I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Third Edition: Understanding the Borderline Personality

by Jerold J. Kreisman

Like someone with an injured leg, an individual with BPD must learn to limp. If after a leg trauma, he remains bedridden, his leg muscles will atrophy and contract; if he tries to exercise too vigorously, he will reinjure the leg even more severely. Instead, he must learn to limp on it, putting just enough weight on the leg to build strength

Likewise, healing in BPD requires placing just enough pressure by challenging himself to move forward. As Elizabeth’s therapy progressed, cognitive interventions gave way to a more psychodynamic approach, with more attention focused on connections between her past experiences and her current functioning. During this transition, the therapist’s interventions diminished and Elizabeth became responsible for more of the direction of therapy.

The borderline view of the world, like that of most people, is shaped by childhood experiences in which the family served as a microcosm of the universe. Unlike healthier individuals, however, he cannot easily separate himself from other family members, nor can he separate his family from the rest of the world. Indeed, he perceives all relationships to be like those in his family. And he continues to accept as normal the pathological interactions therein.

Unable to see his world through adult eyes, the borderline individual continues to experience life as a child—with

One of the greatest obstacles to change in BPD is the tendency to evaluate in absolute extremes. He must either be totally perfect or a complete failure; he grades himself either an A+ or, more commonly, an

If the situation presented is not perfect, it is rejected. Unwilling to play the hand that is dealt him, he keeps folding every time, losing his ante, waiting to be dealt four aces. If he cannot be assured of winning, he won’t play out the hand. Improvement comes when he learns to accept the hand for what it is, and recognize that, skillfully played, he can still win.

The person with BPD sometimes functions as a parasite whose demanding dependence may eventually destroy the relationship with the person to whom he so strongly clings; when this person leaves, the individual with BPD may be destroyed. If he can learn to establish more collaborative relationships with others, all learn to live more contentedly.

When an individual first enters therapy, he often does not understand that it is he, not others, who must make changes. However, when he does make changes, important people in his life must also adjust. Stable relationships are dynamic, fluctuating systems that have attained a state of equilibrium.

Participation in therapy may be a valuable experience for everyone affected. The more interesting and knowledgeable Elizabeth became, the more ignorant her husband seemed to her. The more open-minded she became—the more gray she was able to perceive in a situation—the more black and white he became in order to reestablish equilibrium. She felt that she was “leaving someone behind.” That person was her—or more accurately, a part of her she no longer needed or wanted. She was, in her words, “growing up.”

She began to accept them for who they were, love them as best she could, and go on with her own life. She recognized the need for new friends and new activities in her life. Elizabeth called this “going home.”