If You Could See the Sun

by Ann Liang

It’s not until I’ve spoken the words aloud that I realize this is my greatest fear; the permanent loss of control, the rest of my life fragmented and ruined, forever at the mercy of those unpredictable flashes of invisibility.

But the rest of his sentence is drowned out when Mr. Chen clicks onto the attached video. Immediately, a BLACKPINK song blasts through the speakers at full volume, so loud that half the class jump in their seats.

Because even though I’m smart, I’m not that smart. Not the kind of prodigy-level smart you would expect to find at Harvard, the kind that would allow me to skip all my classes and still rank first in every test, that would make everything come easily.

“If I’m not first, I’m nothing.”

I hate that this is always my first instinct: self-doubt, anxiety, the nagging feeling that I did something wrong.

“I’m passionate about being good at things.”

Despite what everyone likes to assume based on my scores and general personality, Mama and Baba have never pressured me to study. If anything, they’re always the ones to tell me to relax, to put the textbook down and watch some TV, go outside more.

Wow, this feels even better than answering a Kahoot question correctly in front of the class.