If You Could See the Sun

by Ann Liang

God, I hate him. I hate him and his flawless, porcelain skin and immaculate uniform and his composure, as untouchable and unfailing as his ever-growing list of achievements. I hate the way people look at him and see him, even if he’s completely silent, head down and working at his desk.

I do a quick mental scan of all the people I know, and what I end up with is a harsh, painful truth: I’m friendly with everybody...but I’m friends with nobody.

I sneak a peek at his Spotify playlist, half certain it’ll be all just white noise or classic orchestral music, only to find Taylor Swift’s latest album playing instead.

“To live well, you must live unseen”; Trust me, actually being invisible isn’t anywhere near as fun as y’all think.

Sometimes the universe offers us the things we think we want, but which turn out to be a curse,”

“Everything is temporary, Yan Yan. And all the more reason to seize whatever’s in front of you while it’s still there.”

Alice Sun: Airington academic scholarship recipient. Honor roll student. Student council representative. And now criminal. Who would’ve thought?

Henry, again. Even when he’s not here, he’s everywhere.

“You know,” I muse out loud, “if it weren’t for the fact that we hated each other’s guts, we’d probably make an impressive power duo.” I expect Henry to raise his eyebrows at me as usual or make a cutting remark, but his footsteps suddenly slow beside me. “Wait. We hate each other?”

Yes, is the obvious answer. I do hate you. I hate everything about you. I hate you so much that whenever I’m around you, I can barely think straight. I can barely even breathe.

It’s not about happiness; it’s about power. It’s the thrill of being needed, of knowing things other people don’t.

Secrets, I’m realizing, are their own kind of currency.

I’m Alice Sun, the type A, straight-A student, the sole scholarship recipient, the perfectly programmed Study Machine, the girl who will help you get full marks on your group project. I do everything that is expected of me and more.

I don’t have the luxury of taking it easy. If I’m not swimming as hard as I can, feet thrashing at the waves, I’m drowning.

We’re not friends, I remind myself. We’re competitors. Enemies. Only one of us can win in the end.

I think about how ironic it is, that in order to become the person I’d like to be, I might have to do the last thing others would expect of me.

My parents didn’t work this hard for me to only get this far.

“See, this is why I can’t stand people like you,” I seethe, jabbing a finger in his direction. “You think that just because you’re all smart and wealthy and attractive you can just do whatever the hell you want—” “Wait.” Something shifts in the black depths of his eyes. “You think I’m attractive?”

“I’ll see you tomorrow night then.” For some reason, he sounds weirdly excited.

Henry and I have spoken about plenty of things over the past few months. Exams. Criminal activity. Bribery. The Boxer Rebellion. How we both achieved the same perfect English test score in Year Ten but I received more praise. But we’ve never touched upon the topic of relationships. Of romance.

I’ve spent my whole life longing to be seen, but I’ve also come to realize that when people look too closely, they inevitably notice the ugly parts too, like how the tiny cracks on a polished vase only become visible under scrutiny.

I get that feeling extras must have on large movie sets: like my presence might count for something, but it doesn’t really make that much of a difference.

“For one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met, you can really be quite oblivious sometimes.”

“Is this the part where you kiss me?” He leans closer, and even in the dim hotel lights, I can make out the silent laughter in his eyes. “That was not my intention.” A pause, teasing. “Why? Did you want me to?”

“God, you’re so perfect,” she says with a little hiccup. Then, to my surprise, her eyes flicker to me as well. “And you, Alice. Both of you. King Henry and the Study Machine. Our perfect model students.”

“Henry... Did you just admit that I’m smarter than you?” He shoots me a half exasperated, half affectionate look. “Don’t make me say it again.”

I’ve missed him. God, I’ve missed him. I somehow still do, even though he’s standing right in front of me.

‘To live well, you must live unseen.’ To live well, you must learn to see yourself first.

I still want so much, so badly. My heart still aches for all the bright things beyond my reach. I want to be smarter and richer and stronger and just...better. But honestly? I also want to be happy.

Together, we’ll—” “Be the nation’s greatest power couple?” he offers. “I was going to say conquer the world,” I admit. “But sure. I guess we can start small.”