If You Could See the Sun

by Ann Liang

God, I hate him. I hate him and his flawless, porcelain skin and immaculate uniform and his composure, as untouchable and unfailing as his ever-growing list of achievements. I hate the way people look at him and see him, even if he’s completely silent, head down and working at his desk.

Besides, I’ve had to recount my entire life story to strangers enough times to know that sometimes it’s easier to just let them assume what they want.

real

I’m friendly with everybody...but I’m friends with nobody.

also real

sneak a peek at his Spotify playlist, half certain it’ll be all just white noise or classic orchestral music, only to find Taylor Swift’s latest album playing instead.

oh he ate

my eyes fall on the laminated photo taped to his desk, and the significance of Henry Li secretly jamming out to Tay Tay pales in comparison. It’s a photo of us.

aww

xiaolongbao

could eat this for breakfast, lunch, and dinner

things we think we want, but which turn out to be a curse,”

But for the first time, I hate the distance between us.

“Well?” Henry leans forward. His dark eyes are alight, his chin angled up a few degrees, the sure, sharp lines of his body tense with something like anticipation. I realize he’s waiting for me to give my opinion—no, for me to compliment him, like some kid proudly holding up his artwork for a class show-and-tell. My lips twitch. “I didn’t know you had such a praise kink.”

HAH CLOCKED

say exactly what I’m thinking. “Really? Because I’m pretty sure she does more work than you do.” Vanessa’s eyes widen.

Clockedd

“You know,” I muse out loud, “if it weren’t for the fact that we hated each other’s guts, we’d probably make an impressive power duo.” I expect Henry to raise his eyebrows at me as usual or make a cutting remark, but his footsteps suddenly slow beside me. “Wait. We hate each other?”

aww 😢😭

Yes, is the obvious answer. I do hate you. I hate everything about you. I hate you so much that whenever I’m around you, I can barely think straight. I can barely even breathe.

If I’m not swimming as hard as I can, feet thrashing at the waves, I’m drowning.

said perfectly

“Yeah, I know. And I swear, if you’re going to rub it in—” “No,” he says. Quickly. “That was not my intention.”

Aw i love him

I stare at him, taken aback by how his entire demeanour seems to change: the sharp, regal lines of his face softening, white teeth flashing, his shoulders slipping forward from their usual stiff posture. He’s so closed off all the time that I didn’t even think Henry was capable of laughing. For a moment I wonder what we might look like from an outsider’s perspective: just two teenagers joking around and sharing candy and chatting together after class. Friends, maybe.

15 DAYS LEFT It takes everyone a while to figure out what the poster’s referring to. “Maybe it means fifteen days left until my will to live runs out,”

Real

“He cares about you a lot more than he lets on.”

🫶🏽

“You think that just because you’re all smart and wealthy and attractive you can just do whatever the hell you want—” “Wait.” Something shifts in the black depths of his eyes. “You think I’m attractive?”

omg he’s got me giggling 🤭

“You tend to stop being so scared when you’re angry,” he explains. Confusion bubbles inside me. “How—how do you know that?” “I notice,” he says simply.

AHHHHH

“Are you saying you find my presence distracting, Alice?”

i certainly do 🙋‍♀️

Still, it’s nice to have an adult tell me everything will be okay. Even if I’m not so sure that’s true.

real

I get that feeling extras must have on large movie sets: like my presence might count for something, but it doesn’t really make that much of a difference.

soooo real

We’re sitting close, I realize. Too close. Not close enough.

🤭🤭

“Alice,” he says, and his accent— God, his accent. His voice. Him.

AHHHHHH

I’m so used to seeing the side of Henry that laughs aloud, that teases me and challenges me and listens to Taylor Swift on repeat that I keep forgetting how distant he is with everyone else, even people he knows.

i love this and them

For a while, we simply look out at the canals and crowded alleys in silence. Then he shifts closer toward me—only by an inch, maybe less, yet it somehow makes all the difference in the world—and the silence changes, crackles with electricity, demanding to be filled.

oh? 🤭

Henry searches my face for a beat, his eyes narrowed. “You’re being too nice,” he says finally. “It’s suspicious.”

“Well, what else are we supposed to do?” I snap. “Netflix and chill?” His brows rise higher. And suddenly my face is burning too. Hastily, I add, “I meant in the literal sense, of course.” “Of course.”

oh?

He reaches out, his fingers forming a warm circle around my wrist, and I stop walking. Stop everything. “Then tell me,” he says, very quietly. “What exactly do you feel toward me now?”

He moves so our knees are close to touching, and I ask without thinking, “Is this the part where you kiss me?”

I wait for the barrage of questions, the moment of disbelief, but Henry doesn’t even look surprised at this dramatic turn of events. He simply rolls up his sleeves and says, “Okay. Let’s go.” I can’t believe I ever wanted to push this boy off a stage.

same here

“Hi, Alice,” he says, his voice overwhelmingly soft. “Bye,” I blurt out. And I flee.

REAL

“I want to be here,” he says, like that settles everything. Then he adds, quietly, “It’s been ages since we last saw each other. I...” He clears his throat. “I’ve missed fighting with you at school.”

omgg 🥹🥹😭😭

You deserve to be there more than I do.” I stare at him. “Henry... Did you just admit that I’m smarter than you?” He shoots me a half exasperated, half affectionate look. “Don’t make me say it again.”

academic rivals to lovers>>>>

“Where—where exactly do you think you’re going?” I splutter. “To introduce myself to your father, of course,” he says, now heading for the door. “It’s the polite thing to do—”

when he’s respectful and polite>>>>

“If he sees me coming out of the room with you, he’s going to think—he’ll think—” “Yes?” Henry arches one brow, testing. Teasing. “What will he think?”

Whatever happens, she’s more than smart enough to get through it, and I’ll be there to support her.”

omg 😭🥹🥹🥹🥹

Wow, this feels even better than answering a Kahoot question correctly in front of the class.

“I’m also not sure,” Andrew offers. Everyone turns to stare at him. “What?” he says defensively, sliding lower in his seat. “I thought we were doing a thing.”

this whole scene is hilarious

“I obviously wouldn’t have had to hire anyone if I were in like, a squad,” Andrew protests. “I bet the members of BTS could just call each other to help out with that kind of stuff.” “Andrew,” Henry says on an exasperated sigh. “You have grossly misunderstood the point Chanel was trying to make.”

LMAO

Andrew looks around at us hopefully. “So, uh, do you guys want to hang out for a bit or—” “Andrew, again, you’re not part of this,” Chanel interrupts, hands on her hips.

Lmao i love this

God, I’ve missed him. I somehow still do, even though he’s standing right in front of me.

AHHHH 🤭🤭

To live well, you must learn to see yourself first.

My heart still aches for all the bright things beyond my reach. I want to be smarter and richer and stronger and just...better.

real

I also want to be happy. To invest in something meaningful and fulfilling, even if it is difficult, and maybe not the most practical option in the world. To spend more time with Baba and Mama and Xiaoyi, and finally hang out with Chanel, and go out on a proper date with Henry. I want to laugh until my stomach hurts, and write until I’ve crafted something that delights me, and learn to bask in my small, private victories. Learn to accept that these things, too, are worth wanting.

very real

Together, we’ll—” “Be the nation’s greatest power couple?” he offers. “I was going to say conquer the world,” I admit. “But sure. I guess we can start small.”

THEM OMG>>>>>>