A Risk on Forever

by N.S. Perkins

I took a moment to regain my composure after being bombarded with images of her body lying in a casket.

:(

I’ve always considered myself a hopeless romantic. Reading about love blooming, especially between two people reluctant to it, has always been one of my favorite things in the world.

“Careful there,” she answered, her own eyes gleaming in amusement. “Wouldn’t want to say things and look like a fool when the opposite happens.”

I sighed in abandon. I wouldn’t change this man overnight.

Ah, men and their fragile image of masculinity.

Do you know one of the most important things I have learned in all my years of life? It’s to listen to people’s advice. I know, I know, sometimes, they don’t apply to you, but from my experience, following the advice of the people surrounding me has always been a good decision.

I wanted to pump myself up for work, so I played Taylor Swift’s 1989 album. Never failed to put me in a good mood.

After opening up to him, I would’ve liked for him to do so too. But he didn’t. Swallowing, he shook his head before grinning. “Let’s say I like to fill my life with beauty, and there’s nothing more beautiful than good music.”

I love that you love music as much as I do. Whenever I feel a particular kind of way, it’s like you can sense it and put on the perfect song, the one that can translate what I’m feeling inside into words or in melody. I don’t know how you do it, but you’ve proven repeatedly that you have this special power.

You have this emotional intelligence that I hope you never lose. Being able to read people without needing them to tell you what’s wrong is the greatest of gifts.

His words hadn’t even been hinting at something more. Still, my mind had clung to them and analyzed every single one of their possible meanings, leaving me utterly confused.

There was no denying the rise of my pulse or the chills running down my arms when I’d been under his gaze, listening to those words.

Show your emotions. Cry when you’re sad, laugh when you’re happy, scream when you’re mad, and kiss when you’re in love. You have every right to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, and expressing it can only help to show who you are as a person.

I wiped a tear I didn’t know had fallen on my cheek with the palm of my hand.

A simple caress that was enough to make my whole body erupt in goosebumps.

“You and Matt, when are you getting married?” I choked on my own saliva, coughing and laughing inside my elbow at the same time. “Never? We’re not even together! Why would you ask that?” He yawned and closed his eyes before turning his back to me. I thought this was it, but as I got up again, he floored me with his answer. “Because he looks at you the way Daddy used to look at Mommy.”

You’ll never get what you want if you don’t work for it. Nothing in this world comes for free, and the best thing you can do for yourself is work your butt off for what you believe in. Fight, tooth and nail, for the people you love.

The song on the bathroom speaker changed to Taylor Swift’s “Soon You’ll Get Better,” and a lump formed in my throat when I listened to the lyrics.

It was like his eyes were an inferno, and I was a moth drawn to the flames.

It was part of her being. She needed it to function like she needed air to breathe.”

We finished the drive in silence, and even after we’d gotten out of the car and entered Louis’ school, I couldn’t shake away the picture he’d described. Awesome indeed.

By the wary look he threw me, I could tell he knew something was about to go down. Things would be said, and there would be no coming back from them.

I know you’ve never been able to stand other people suffering, no matter what they’d done to you in the past. I also know you’ve hated that part of you from time to time, when you couldn’t hold grudges against people that had wronged

There was, in my mind, no better scent than that of the ocean. Salty, a bit tangy, common, yet still unique.

“You were caring for everyone, but who was taking care of you?” I shook my head. “I didn’t need anyone taking care of me.”

knew what it was to be helpless in the face of sickness, to feel like time was ticking away like sand running through your fingers.

It has its downsides, I have to admit it. When I had to give bad news to my patients, I had a hard time keeping my heart away from it. More times than I can count, I cried with the families of patients I couldn’t save in the emergency room. It might not have been the most professional thing to do, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling, even if I wanted to. I was a person before I was a doctor.

When I’d told him Ms. Helen had left for heaven, he’d said he was happy because she would be good company to Mommy.

“I would’ve let you break my heart a thousand times over, just for the chance of getting more of the moments of pure happiness I felt when I was with you. If you’d just given me something, I would’ve given you everything.”

I choked on a sob when I understood he was right. Whether I liked it or not, it was Matthias my heart had chosen. I’d tried and tried to move on from him, but it was an impossible feat. I couldn’t let go of him.

I loved this man more than I had ever loved anyone before. He wasn’t perfect, and he’d made mistakes, but in this instant, I couldn’t imagine ever being with someone other than him.