Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

by Brené Brown

I am responsible for holding you accountable in a respectful and productive way. I’m not responsible for your emotional reaction to that accountability.

What really got me about the worry research is that those of us with a tendency to worry believe it is helpful for coping (it is not), believe it is uncontrollable (which means we don’t try to stop worrying), and try to suppress worry thoughts (which actually strengthens and reinforces worry). I’m not suggesting that we worry about worry, but it’s helpful to recognize that worrying is not a helpful coping mechanism, that we absolutely can learn how to control it, and that rather than suppressing worry, we need to dig into and address the emotion driving the thinking.

Envy occurs when we want something that another person has. Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have.

While jealousy is frequently considered more socially acceptable than envy, it can often lead to more dire consequences. For example, some research has found that high levels of jealousy are directly related to problem drinking and to interpersonal violence when drinking. Other research has found that frequent experiences of jealousy combined with problematic alcohol use are related specifically to higher levels of physical assault and sexual coercion.

people who are more satisfied in their romantic relationships are less likely to be jealous about potential relationship threats; however, they are more likely to react negatively to actual relationship breaches.

We know from the research that unwanted identity is the most powerful elicitor of shame. If you want to know what’s likely to trigger shame for you, just fill in this sentence stem: It’s really important for me not to be perceived as ________________.

Now when I start to feel resentful, instead of thinking, What is that person doing wrong? or What should they be doing? I think, What do I need but am afraid to ask for?

What mean and critical thing am I rehearsing saying to this person?

Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.

It’s easy to build counterfeit connection with collective schadenfreude.

Researchers Richard H. Smith and Wilco W. van Dijk grabbed my attention with this line about schadenfreude: It’s “an emotion typically born out of inferiority rather than superiority.” I would add that it doesn’t always have to be about inferiority; schadenfreude is also born out of fear, powerlessness, and/or a sense of deservedness.

As researcher and writer Sherry Turkle says, “Boredom is your imagination calling to you.”

What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.

Disappointed: It didn’t work out how I wanted, and I believe the outcome was outside of my control. Regretful: It didn’t work out how I wanted, and the outcome was caused by my decisions, actions, or failure to act. Discouraged: I’m losing my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort—I’m losing the motivation and confidence to persist. Resigned: I’ve lost my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort—I’ve lost the motivation and confidence to persist. Frustrated: Something that feels out of my control is preventing me from achieving my desired outcome.

I think that’s the biggest watch-out with irony and sarcasm: Are you dressing something up in humor that actually requires clarity and honesty?

Hope is a function of struggle—we develop hope not during the easy or comfortable times, but through adversity and discomfort. Hope is forged when our goals, pathways, and agency are tested and when change is actually possible.

“Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.”

Compassion is a daily practice and empathy is a skill set that is one of the most powerful tools of compassion. The most effective approach to meaningful connection combines compassion with a specific type of empathy called cognitive empathy. Let’s get into it.

The near enemy of compassion is pity. Instead of feeling the openness of compassion, pity says, “Oh, that poor person. I feel sorry for people like that.” Pity sees them as different from ourselves. It sets up a separation between ourselves and others, a sense of distance and remoteness from the suffering of others that is affirming and gratifying to the self. Compassion, on the other hand, recognizes the suffering of another as a reflection of our own pain: “I understand this; I suffer in the same way.” It is empathetic, a mutual connection with the pain and sorrow of life. Compassion is shared suffering.

Pity involves four elements: a belief that the suffering person is inferior; a passive, self-focused reaction that does not include providing help; a desire to maintain emotional distance; and avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering.

Theresa Wiseman’s Attributes of Empathy: Perspective taking: What does that concept mean for you? What is that experience like for you? Staying out of judgment: Just listen, don’t put value on it. Recognizing emotion: How can I touch within myself something that helps me identify and connect with

what the other person might be feeling? Check in and clarify what you are hearing. Ask questions. Communicating our understanding about the emotion: Sometimes this is elaborate and detailed, and sometimes this is simply, “Shit. That’s hard. I get that.” Practicing mindfulness (from Kristin Neff): This is not pushing away emotion because it’s uncomfortable, but feeling it and moving through it.

“Let’s be clear. Empathy and pity are not the same thing. When non-POC non-female tell our stories, they may think they’re creating empathy, but they unconsciously channel pity, which can often look like empathy but it’s not. The difference is hierarchy.”

we need to dispel the myth that empathy is “walking in someone else’s shoes.” Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences.

The minute I try to put myself in your place rather than try to understand the situation from your perspective, our empathic connection unravels. Either I get sucked into the vortex of my own emotional difficulties, or, because my experience doesn’t match yours, I doubt what you’re telling me.

There’s compelling research that shows that compassion fatigue occurs when caregivers focus on their own personal distress reaction rather than on the experience of the person they are caring for.

Empathy is not relating to an experience, it’s connecting to what someone is feeling about an experience.

According to Neff, self-compassion has three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Self-kindness vs. self-judgment: “Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties [are] inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals.”

Common humanity vs. isolation: “Self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience—something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to ‘me’ alone.”

Mindfulness vs. over-identification: “Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be ‘over-identified’ with...

I highly recommend that you take her self-compassion inventory at www.self-compassion.org.

Harter and her colleagues reported that “in every case, the shooters described how they had been ridiculed, taunted, teased, harassed or bullied by peers (because of their inadequate appearance, social or athletic behavior), spurned by someone in whom they were romantically interested, or put down, in front of other students, by a teacher or school administrator, all events that led to profound humiliation.”

Perhaps more important, their studies suggest that bullying alone does not lead to aggression. Instead, individuals who are bullied become violent specifically when feelings of humiliation accompany the bullying.

Hartling suggests that humiliation can trigger a series of reactions, including social pain, decreased self-awareness, increased self-defeating behavior, and decreased self-regulation, that ultimately lead to violence.

Calm is an intention. Do we want to infect people with more anxiety, or heal ourselves and the people around us with calm? As the psychologist and writer Harriet Lerner says, “Anxiety is contagious. Intensity and reactivity only breed more of the same. Calm is also contagious. Nothing is more important than getting a grip on your own reactivity.” Do we match the pace of anxiety, or do we slow things down with breath and tone? Do we have all the information we need to make a decision or form a response? What do we need to ask or learn?

Do I have enough information to freak out? The answer is normally no. Will freaking out help? The answer is always no.

This element of dehumanization seems to be one of the characteristics that distinguishes disgust from contempt. They write, “The disrespect involved in disgust implies that human dignity is perceived as alienable. The person is responsible for the bad action [they have] done, but the very effect of that action is dehumanizing: by performing it, one has responsibly degraded oneself to sub-human.”

The near enemy of love is attachment. Attachment masquerades as love. It says, “I will love this person (because I need something from them).” Or, “I’ll love you if you’ll love me back. I’ll love you, but only if you will be the way I want.” This isn’t the fullness of love. Instead there is attachment—there is clinging and fear. True love allows, honors, and appreciates; attachment grasps, demands, needs, and aims to possess.