Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

by Brené Brown

There is research that shows that one way to minimize disappointment is to lower our expectations. True, optimism can sometimes lead to increased disappointment, and I believe these findings are accurate, but there is a middle path—a way to maintain expectations and stay optimistic—that requires more courage and vulnerability: Examine and express our expectations. There are too many people in the world today who decide to live disappointed rather than risk feeling disappointment. This can take the shape of numbing, foreboding joy, being cynical or critical, or just never really fully engaging. Sometimes, when I’m in one of those moods where I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed—and there were many of those days during quarantine—I promise myself that I’m going to get less excited about things so I feel less disappointed. Then I always remember this interview I did with a man early on in my research. He was in his sixties, and I’ll never forget how he looked at me when he said: I used to think the best way to go through life was to expect the worst. That way, if it happened, you were prepared, and if it didn’t happen, you were pleasantly surprised. Then I was in a car accident and my wife was killed. Needless to say, expecting the worst didn’t prepare me at all. And worse, I still grieve for all of those wonderful moments we shared and that I didn’t fully enjoy. My commitment to her is to fully enjoy every moment now. I just wish she was here now that ...