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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Brené Brown
Stressed We feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demand as beyond our ability to cope successfully.1 This includes elements of unpredictability, uncontrollability, and feeling overloaded.
Worry is described as a chain of negative thoughts about bad things that might happen in the future.
What really got me about the worry research is that those of us with a tendency to worry believe it is helpful for coping (it is not), believe it is uncontrollable (which means we don’t try to stop worrying), and try to suppress worry thoughts (which actually strengthens and reinforces worry).18 I’m not suggesting that we worry about worry, but it’s helpful to recognize that worrying is not a helpful coping mechanism, that we absolutely can learn how to control it, and that rather than suppressing worry, we need to dig into and address the emotion driving the thinking.
Avoidance, the second coping strategy for anxiety, is not showing up and often spending a lot of energy zigzagging around and away from that thing t...
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Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other—it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out. Comparison says, “Be like everyone else, but better.”
Envy occurs when we want something that another person has. Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have.
Envy typically involves two people and occurs when one lacks something enjoyed by another.9 The target of envy may be a person or a group of persons, but the focus of envy is that one lacks something compared with a specific target, whether it be a target individual or target group.
Jealousy typically involves three people and occurs when one fears losing someone to another person. Envy and jealousy result from different situations, generate distinct appraisals, and produce distinctive emotional experiences.
love how the poet Maya Angelou frames it. “Jealousy in romance is like salt in food.18 A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.”
Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.
I used to think the best way to go through life was to expect the worst. That way, if it happened, you were prepared, and if it didn’t happen, you were pleasantly surprised. Then I was in a car accident and my wife was killed. Needless to say, expecting the worst didn’t prepare me at all. And worse, I still grieve for all of those wonderful moments we shared and that I didn’t fully enjoy. My commitment to her is to fully enjoy every moment now. I just wish she was here now that I know how to do that.
Disappointed: It didn’t work out how I wanted, and I believe the outcome was outside of my control. Regretful: It didn’t work out how I wanted, and the outcome was caused by my decisions, actions, or failure to act. Discouraged: I’m losing my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort—I’m losing the motivation and confidence to persist. Resigned: I’ve lost my confidence and enthusiasm about any future effort—I’ve lost the motivation and confidence to persist. Frustrated: Something that feels out of my control is preventing me from achieving my desired outcome.
Interest is a cognitive openness to engaging with a topic or experience. Curiosity is recognizing a gap in our knowledge about something that interests us, and becoming emotionally and cognitively invested in closing that gap through exploration and learning. Curiosity often starts with interest and can range from mild curiosity to passionate investigation.
Curiosity doesn’t exist without interest, but we can be interested and not have our interest grow to curiosity. An increasing number of researchers believe that curiosity and knowledge building grow together—the more we know, the more we want to know.
Interestingly, nostalgia is more likely to be triggered by negative moods, like loneliness, and by our struggles to find meaning in our current lives.
The level of divisiveness, uncertainty, and anxiety in the world today leads a lot of us to struggle with rumination, which Garrido explains is an “involuntary focus on negative and pessimistic thoughts.”20 It’s important to note that she also differentiates rumination from reflection, which is “highly adaptive and psychologically healthy.”
Anguish is an almost unbearable and traumatic swirl of shock, incredulity, grief, and powerlessness.
