Christmas Mountain

by Garrett Leigh

“Damn it,” Fen cursed, still holding my wrist. “Can’t a dude ask a dude out without getting interrupted by a riot?”

Was good at it still, even eighteen months after I’d last seen him, and a year since I’d heard on the offender grapevine that in my absence from the prison he’d been stabbed on the lifer’s wing.

“She never asked me where I was before, and I never told her.” I reached for my sandwich and ate half of it in two bites, holding Rami’s steady gaze. “I might’ve done if I’d known she was your sister, though.” “Why?” I shrugged and ate more food. “Because I missed you.”

Because he was the light in the room, especially when his epic gaze snared me like it had right now.

With his head tipped back, his neck had a perfect, elegant arch. I wanted to bury my face in it, but that craving wasn’t new. I’d always found Rami’s neck appealing.

urge to inch closer to him. To crowd him against the door where he stood and breathe him in. It was strange as hell to have him here, but ignoring the fact that I wanted him as much as I ever had felt stranger still.

“Or you can come back to the couch and drink my beer while we watch Die Hard. It’s my favourite Christmas film.” “It’s not a Christmas film.” “Okay, well…you’re wrong, but whatever. Come sit so we can argue about it.”

I found myself leaning on him, sliding down his hard, warm body until my head was pillowed on his belly. And then, because this strange limbo we were trapped in persisted in warped moments of perfection, I fell asleep.

Most people annoyed me. Fen didn’t. He excited me. Thrilled me, though it probably said more about me than him that I got giddy over him opening a tin of baked beans and banging them into a saucepan. Right. It’s the baked beans that make your heart thump like this. Actually, it was. Because it was everything about Fen that lit me on fire, even the way he was chewing on his lip as we crossed the village boundary. Leave that lip alone. It’s mine.

“You’re the hottest weirdo I’ve ever met.”

I liked it, his gentleness. It did something to me I couldn’t explain.

His deadpan humour flicked a switch in me, the switch controlling my base instincts. As the crackly radio in the chip shop banged out some Bing Crosby, I leaned in and kissed him, a soft brush of lips that didn’t seem to surprise him.

“Marry me,” I said absently, still thinking about kissing him until it dawned on me what I’d said. “I mean, for the chip-doctoring alone.” Rami snorted. I threw a chip at him. “You don’t think that’s important?” He evaded my spud missile and stuffed one of his own into his mouth. “It’s important,” he said around chewing. “But I can think of better reasons for marrying you.”

I’d be totally into fucking around if you were too, but I don’t need it. Shit, I haven’t shared a bed with an adult for more than a year and it’s not the sex I miss.” “What is it then?” He drank more beer and nudged my can to my lips, sealing our fate to spend the entire night together. “It’s the warmth,” he said, quiet and low. “That feeling when you know someone’s behind you, or you have your arms around them from behind—that skin-on-skin, man, I love that.” “Me too. But just so you know, if you were sticking around longer than a couple of days? Yeah, I’d totally bang you.”

All I know is I want to spend this night with you and not think about what comes next.”

No one wants him to go. Why can’t he just stay? How I was so convinced I needed that after so little time with him, I couldn’t say, but I. Did. Not. Want. Him. To. Leave.

“I’m scared of getting hurt,” I said. “I don’t do half measures and casual emotions. The way I feel about you, if we fucked I’d probably want to marry you, and I’m not robust enough in here—” I tapped my head—“or here—” I tapped my heart—“to handle rejection.”

He was right there. And he could cook. This day was panning out to be magic.

The thing was, I’d never wanted anyone as much as I wanted Rami. I’d never felt such a deep, primal desire cloud my mind. It was intoxicating. With him this close, I couldn’t think or breathe for wanting him. I could only kiss him.

I’d never been so hot for someone. I’d never burned for someone the way I had that morning in my abandoned bed. Could I walk away from that? Could I give him up?

I could kiss him forever. And for the first time, I didn’t chase the errant thought away. I let it linger, settle, and carve out a place in my present.

“Don’t be cute.” “Why not?” “Because I want to do things to you that aren’t cute.” Fen’s expression turned serious. My body temperature amped up a notch and I almost forgot that we were having an actual conversation. Almost. Fen hooked two fingers under my chin and dared me to hold his gaze. “We don’t have to talk about it,” he said. “Just know the fact that it’s on your mind makes me pretty damn happy.”

didn’t want to just be Rami’s friend. I wanted more. So ask him for more. He doesn’t have to live here for you to be together. Manchester isn’t a million miles away.

All I knew for certain was that I was a different man to the one who had driven his broken car up a mountain a month ago. My heart had been closed off then, barricaded by all the hurt Damon had left behind. But Fen…fuck, sweet Fen. He’d toppled the gates just by existing and now I couldn’t picture a life without him in it.

I love him. It should’ve been a revelation, but it wasn’t. How I felt wasn’t new. Rami had been on my mind since the day I’d met him, and the last month or so had cemented what I’d already known—that he was everything for me, if only life would give us a chance.

Something rose in me, from a happy place I didn’t recognise as mine. A surging warmth that I couldn’t deny any longer. Fuck, I’m in love with this man.

“I mean you two have lost each other once. Are you really going to let that happen again when fate has worked so damn hard to bring you together?”

“Never mind. You can tell me later. But can I tell you something before you fall asleep on me?” “I’m not asleep.” “Whatever. I love you, and I need you to know that.” My head jerked up from where it had been fast descending to my chest hard enough to give me whiplash. “What?” Rami laughed. “I said, I fucking love you. And I’m sorry you didn’t know it until now.” A beat of silence settled between us. My brain jolted to life, my heart too, but the rest of me wouldn’t comply. My eyes were so heavy it felt like they were melting into my face and I couldn’t quite believe that those sweet, sweet words were meant for me. “Lie down,” Rami whispered. “What?” “Down,” he repeated with a hint of authority that would’ve heated my blood in circumstances that weren’t so bemusing. “You’re exhausted. We can talk later. Just know that I love you, Fen. Nothing else matters right now.”

I’m homeless, but he loves me. It was a fair trade, in my eyes. Everything else could be replaced.

I knew what it meant—it meant that Mother Nature knew as well as I did that Fen had suffered enough. That he was a good, kind man who deserved the fucking world. But I kept that to myself. Fen wasn’t a man who could be told what he was worth and believe it.