Head Above Water

by C.E. Ricci

Heartbreak is part of life. Losing people we love and care for often comes with getting older. But we always make it through to the other side. We always survive. We don’t have any other choice.

I’d sell my soul to see that smile.

Right now, I’d let him lead me straight to hell like this.

But when it came to his relationship with the ocean, he’d wait forever to find perfection.

Because contrary to popular belief, you can survive without something if you’ve never had it. But once you have it, and then it’s gone? The ache, the missing piece, it never stops being noticeable.

And therein lies the biggest issue, knowing it’s toxic, yet not giving two fucks to stop myself from jumping headfirst, anyway.

Every piece of my heart. Every part of my soul. I give it all to him. I give him my everything.

“You’re a dream in the midst of my worst nightmare.”

“I could live the rest of my life right here, in this moment, and it still wouldn’t last long enough,”

Putting him back together is breaking me apart.

As long as it lessens his suffering, I’d carry the world for him.

“Your grief is your own. No one else’s, only yours. So don’t you fucking dare let anyone tell you how to handle it.

But the pieces of who we are have changed and warped, not fitting together the way they used to. And no matter how hard we try, forcing them back together only makes it worse. So somewhere during our efforts to put each fragment back in place, we decided to forget to whom each piece belonged. We just healed each other. And now my soul is not mine and mine alone. It’s also his. Just as his is now mine.

It’s all-consuming. It’s like a fire’s been lit inside me, and no matter how many times I try to put out the flames, it only grows. He dug his way into my chest and wrapped his fist around my heart in a vice-like grip. Every time I look at him, the grip gets tighter. Squeezes to the point of discomfort, but it’s a pain I’d never want to give up.

Because…that’s the thing about hearts— Like waves, they break too.

It’s like I was gasping for air the moment I found out he was gone, not realizing he was the oxygen I needed the whole time.