This Way Out

by Tufayel Ahmed

For one thing, Joshua is everything I’m not supposed to marry: a man – a white man, at that – and a non-Muslim.

I might be a son that brings shame on the family, but in an alternate reality, I’d be a model daughter.

Asad: Astagfirullah. Allah, forgive me.

Religion, colour, anatomy . . . It doesn’t matter compared to the quality of the person.’

‘No. It’s against our religion . . .’ Mina remains obstinate. ‘THEN TELL ME WHY ALLAH MADE ME THIS WAY!’ I shout.

I am angry, too, at God. If being gay is a sin, how could a kind and merciful god make me this way? Make my life so difficult? It is cruel and unjust to be punished for what I can’t control. I never chose to be attracted to men, to fall in love with a man, and there have been so many times I’ve considered how much easier my life would be if I were like Abed or Asad or any of the other Bengali boys. But I can’t live a lie. I have to live my truth.

I have struggled my whole life to make the two sides of me coexist – being Muslim and being gay. To accept.

‘I am. I’m not dying. I haven’t changed as a person. I’m still me. I can’t help who I love. You guys are all married and happy. Why can’t I be?’

That’s what the likes of Josephine will never see or understand, because it doesn’t fit the narrow caricature of Muslims they subscribe to. To them we are two-dimensional characters, not humans with emotions and complex lives.

‘I can’t help it, Allah made me this way.’

‘If you really never want to see me again, then I’ll hold you to it. I won’t ever come back here. Not even when you die. Think about it. Is that what you really want? What would Mum say? What about Allah? Isn’t forgiveness and empathy what Islam is all about? If you do this, you can’t turn back. You always told us Allah will judge us, but now he’ll judge you, for this.’

I still pray five times a day, and I fast, and I feel very connected to Allah. My bedroom is my business. Only he can judge.’

‘It’s only natural you’re questioning yourself. Islam is for everyone. The ummah, all around the world, is a diverse populace. We’re all different, right? We are a religion of peace. No one can tell you that you can’t be a Muslim, first of all.’

‘One of the first things we learn is that Allah is the most compassionate and merciful. He has the final judgement. And Allah has created us all equal,’

‘It’s a lot to take in. But take this away with you – love is a gift. The Quran says that Allah “created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy”.’

Love is companionship, feeling content and safe in the arms of another person. It is the mundane moments when you know the other person is there but you don’t need to speak – their presence is enough, the meals shared, the walks taken, not just sex. What is so wrong about that?

Maybe I don’t have to choose between being gay and being Muslim.

Opening up a book unlocks the imagination, it transports you to a different world, it inspires, it teaches you about people and cultures you might not otherwise know about. And there’s nothing like taking your time and browsing the shelves to find that next book. Picking up books and reading the blurbs on the back. Smelling the newly printed ink. Feeling the quality of the paper.

Our relationship isn’t always easy, but maybe it isn’t meant to be.