This Way Out

by Tufayel Ahmed

I tried to keep my cries to acceptable decibels – too loud, too untamed, and the world would know the broken human being I had become.

few things give me joy like discovering a good book and talking about it

I also realise I need to stop giving in to my self-destructive tendencies and to deal with my issues better, but I have no idea how.

Religion, colour, anatomy . . . It doesn’t matter compared to the quality of the person.’

‘You can’t just make someone gay. It’s not like I woke up one day and decided to be gay. It doesn’t matter – white, brown, black . . . some people are just born like this.’

‘You don’t just have to see a therapist if you’re

suicidal, Amar. People see therapists for lots of different reasons, even small stuff. It’s a good way of dealing with your emotions.

I imagine a thousand more days and nights like this with him. Mundane everyday activities that other people take for granted. To me, they feel like the spoils of a lifelong war.

‘Sometimes I think maybe this is just how my life is meant to be. Temporary happiness and endless misery.

‘I don’t really know how to contain everything that I feel inside, and then it all builds up and it’s like I want to scream. Or just lie down and give up.

maths in my head. That’s nearly five months. No wonder people don’t get therapy, if we aren’t equipped to deal with mental health the same way we do a burst appendix. I blame the Tories.

Isn’t therapy for white people with too much time on their hands? And, more specifically, middle-class white mothers who are possibly addicted to little Heston’s ADHD pills?

‘I would say that, no matter what community you identify with, everyone has struggles, and your psychological health is just as important as your physical health. Psychological issues can affect you physically, too. We have to take care of our whole selves to feel our best.’

She says it is normal to feel grief still, even when I remind her it is three years on, and that there is no timescale for overcoming it.

Bland roast chicken. Dry beef. Where is the spice? Brits have colonised so many different parts of the world over the centuries, and this is the best that white people can do?

White people, in my experience, tend to be a little hostile and uncomfortable when confronted about their blind spots when it comes to race or culture. It’s almost like the accusation of racial or cultural bias is more offensive than the behaviour itself.

The love of a child should be unconditional, regardless of religious beliefs, politics, sexuality, all of that.

Reconcile with yourself. Love and accept yourself.’

A book is a beautiful object. Each page should be treated with love and care.’

People like me, who don’t fit into heteronormative roles, people of different Islamic groups, differently abled, women and non-binary people. It is eye-opening and heartening to see. There is no arbitrary segregation or distinction between people. We are here, simply as human as one another.

Opening up a book unlocks the imagination, it transports you to a different world, it inspires, it teaches you about people and cultures you might not otherwise know about.

It’s like the grief is a ball. It used to be really big, and it’s getting smaller and smaller. Maybe it’ll always be there, but not take up as much space?’