Astrid Parker Doesn't Fail (Bright Falls, #2)

by Ashley Herring Blake

Even her therapist said it was time for a change. “I thought the point of therapy was to face your problems, not run from them,” Jordan had said in a session two months ago, when Angela had finally suggested, ever so gently, that maybe Simon was right. “There’s running from something,” Angela said, “and there’s running to something new. You need the something new, Jordan. You’re not living your life. You’re living a life that died a year ago. Or you’re trying to, and it’s clearly not working. It’s a life that can’t be lived.”

She was too young to feel this goddamn old.

She hadn’t always been like this. She felt as though her recent lack of faith in anything at all had carved a hole right in the center of her chest where her heart pulsed the brightest, the strongest, and all that was left was a tiny ember she didn’t have the strength to fan most of the time.

There were other memories, countless moments she’d long ago chalked up to admiration or envy. Just good old-fashioned jealousy. She wanted to be those girls, or maybe even compete with them, as horrible as that sounded, not make out with them. And maybe that really was all it was sometimes. Simple observation. But maybe those tiny clues actually added up to a whole lot more, and she’d simply never let herself face it. She liked guys, so she focused on guys. It was easy to ignore anything else.

And while she’d gotten out of that mess, she hadn’t quite felt like herself ever since. She wasn’t altogether sure she’d ever felt like herself, to be honest.

For the first time in her life, Astrid’s heart was shattered. Or had it always been like this and she’d just never let herself feel it? She wasn’t sure, but it felt right. It felt real.

She’d spent her whole life trying to gain her mother’s approval, her mother’s love, and she’d barely noticed anything else around her. Of course, she knew her friends were there for her, but again, it was as though her head and heart were in constant dissonance—she knew they loved her, but she hadn’t let them love her the way she needed to. She hadn’t let it be enough. But it was. Astrid Parker was loved, no matter what her mother thought of her. No matter what choices she made. And that love gave her the courage to choose herself.