Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World

by Jennie Allen

You and I need friends who, instead of trying to fix us, help us to fix our eyes more firmly on Jesus.

Truth in love is the safest place to be, even if it stings a little.

I am a receptive person rather than reactive. I am more resilient than rigid. I am aware and mindful rather than unaware and emotionally clueless. I am responsible for my own life. I don’t blame or take victim status. I am empathetic. I am strong. I am stable. I am realistic. I don’t have expectations that are unattainable. I see the world in a beautiful way and don’t grow stale. I believe God is for me. I am grateful and content.

I know how to trust, hope, be humble, desire, and love well.

You want to know one of the biggest problems we face when it comes to friendship? We mistakenly think friendship is about us.

C. S. Lewis said, “Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers.”[4]

On mission together. Making disciples in our ordinary moments.

But knowing the fruit that comes from healthy conflict doesn’t take away its pain.

For too many of us, the pain we’ve suffered on previous occasions when we opened ourselves up to authentic community is so raw, so deep, so real, that we’re reluctant to try again.

That’s why we need relationships with God at the center and united...

Picture the scene on the night of the Last Supper. Jesus knew that the events leading to His crucifixion had been set in motion. He soon would be betrayed and hurt by nearly every one of His closest people. But in the midst of the hurt and rejection He must have been experiencing while sitting at the table with them, He pulled out bread and He broke it for His friends to eat. He poured wine for His friends to drink.

“Now as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and after blessing it broke it and gave it to the disciples, and said, ‘Take, eat; this is my body.’ And he took a cup, and when he had given thanks he gave it to them, saying, ‘Drink of it, all of you, for this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.’ ”[2] The ultimate table of reconciliation has been set, built on the broken body and spilled blood of our Savior. This is why we can forgive.

It’s why we can come together at the table with other sinners. We can, because He did. We can, because He made a way for us to be rig...

Throughout history and cultures, coming to a table, breaking bread together, has always represented reconciliation and healing.

Conflict is safe when you know you won’t quit each other.

But if you quit, that will mean you start over in finding your people. Guess what? The new people are going to hurt you too. Or you will hurt them. Or both. Because we all do. If you stay, you work through it and grow stronger together.

Conflict is a part of life, and we have to figure out how to deal with it in a way that honors and glorifies God to the rest of the world. How Do We Do This? Let’s get really practical. How can we have healthy conflict? 1. Assume the Best If we’re going to deal with an offense, it needs to be a real offense.

don’t react too quickly. So many hurts are just misunderstandings.

We are satisfied in our relationship with God so we can be content with people being people. We can let them disappoint us and just let it go. 2. Keep Short Accounts If you can’t let that thing go, then go to that person. Ask them what they meant by that. You might have misunderstood them, so give them space to explain. But no matter what, don’t let bitterness fester.

Be Quick to Apologize When someone says you’ve caused them pain or harm, be quick to apologize and ask what you can do to make amends.

You don’t need to say much else. In fact, the more you say, the more it turns into defending yourself.

I can’t tell you how many times people have brought me something that hurt them, and I didn’t even know I’d sinned. There was no ill intention, no purposeful hurt, and I didn’t even realize I had said or done the things that so clearly caused pain. That doesn’t matter. They felt hurt, specifically by me. I take responsibility for hurting them, even if I didn’t mean to.

King David never defended his own name. He held people back from defending his name. He was comfortable with being misunderstood or people thinking ill of him. He knew God would defend what deserved to be defended.

Aim to Be a Peacemaker

If you think someone is upset with you, but they haven’t come to you with a concern, what can you do? I’m a big believer in getting everything out on the table. Don’t spend time trying to construct a story around what someone might be thinking about you. Instead, just pick up the phone and call or send a text and make sure the two of you are okay.

Because we’ve been given such abundance, we give away our abundance. This is our story. This is how we live out the gospel.

To leave behind our loneliness and enjoy the reward of community we have to keep showing up, keep being vulnerable, keep coming to the table. Be together, work together, and share life together—over and over again. Then one day we look up and realize our friendships have grown deep.

While we can maintain roughly 150 meaningful relationships at a time, he suggested only fifty of those people would be considered “friends” and only five would be considered “intimate friends.”

“He found that it took about 50 hours of interaction to move from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to move from casual friend to friend, and more than 200 hours to qualify as a best friend.”[5]

That impromptu trip to the mall that lasted a couple of hours? That’s 1 percent of an intimate relationship logged. The cookout in your backyard that spans an entire summer’s afternoon? You’ve just racked up 3 percent of a ride-or-die friendship. The constant togetherness at the two-day women’s retreat? That’s a good 25 percent right there. My guess is that the reason you feel close to certain people is that you have faithfully put in the time together.

I’m convinced a key reason for our loneliness is that we give up too easily. Friendships take time—a lot of time. A lot of working it out. A lot of showing up. A lot of cleaning out closets. A lot of tears. A lot of laughter. A lot of food. A lot of inconvenience.

We love others in the manner in which we ourselves were loved. Equally true: we tend to hurt others in the manner in which we ourselves have been hurt.

Yes. It’s difficult and costly. I am a family member and I am a church member, and I know what a mess I can be and I know what a mess you can be too. But here’s what else I know: there is nothing quite like having a full table of broken people who, like my Italian family, fight and laugh and celebrate and talk over each other and show up and love and criticize and toast.

the moment you look for ways to serve your family and church instead of constantly expecting things from them… the moment you watch for opportunities to speak an encouraging word instead of questioning their every decision… the moment you seek out chances to love them well instead of spending your days anticipating awful exchanges with them… that might be the moment when you see your family and church changed.

When I read that verse above in Ephesians, I realized the problem wasn’t my friend. The problem was the enemy who was trying to divide us.

More kingdom work would be taking place than we could possibly imagine. So, of course, the most effective way for the enemy to stop the work of God on earth is to have us devour each other instead of celebrating each other and loving each other and serving each other and working together. This is why I care so much about developing deep, authentic, committed community.

Investing in relationship is not about pursuing our own happiness. It’s not just so that we can have friends to go to dinner with when we feel lonely. It’s so that we can be effective for eternity. It’s so that people will come to know Christ because of our love. It’s so that our love would speak so boldly and clearly of Jesus that it would be contagious, that it would cause other people to want to follow God.

Codependency develops when we look to other people to meet our needs instead of looking to God.

If there is one principle that has shaped my last three years of ministry, it is this: pull people in at every turn. Never do anything alone. Why? Because even God exists in community within Himself.

If you want to be effective, then ask for help. This makes other people feel needed, draws them together in a shared purpose.

What influenced her most wasn’t the brilliant Bible study I led—as much as I wish that had been true. It was all the small things, our mundane interactions as we were just living, that made her feel seen.

Romans 8:6 tells us that there’s a road that leads to sin and death and a road that leads to life and peace. How do we stay on the road to life and peace when it comes to gossip? We assume the best about each other and protect each other.

If a culture feels unsafe, then you have no place to thrive, no place to share your issues, your weaknesses, your failures. You have no place to be broken.

It’s easy to form snap judgments, self-protect, decide too quickly how you feel about a place or people. But in my experience, you tend to miss the good parts when you operate that way.

Before confronting the other person about your perception that things between you are not going well, give yourself twenty-four hours. Eat something. Take a walk. Get a good night’s rest. Pray through how you’re feeling.

I have never once regretted momentarily holding my tongue.

We aren’t meant to carry the problems of the whole world all day every day. But we are the first generation to know them all.

“Friend, I know you already know this, but I feel compelled to remind you: when I pray for your family, I pray like I’m praying for mine.”