Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World

by Jennie Allen

My people were not only quitting me,

Just FYI, *this* introvert HATES that. *I* do NOT want people to dig at my tender spots until I barf my feelings all over them. It does NOT make me feel better. It makes me feel hella WORSE.

But also we feel completely sad. Nearly all of us live this way, and yet it’s just not working for any of us.

And there it is: the fallacy that “we” are all experiencing life this way. “We” are all locked up safe in our homes, lonely and sad as fuck, while we cry into our coffee that nobody cares.

Long, meaningful conversations

I do agree that “we” need that, however, that will be part of my rebuttal: you cannot hurry that along. It takes years to develop that kind of friendship with even one person, much less a handful of them. And the sad truth is, once you’re well into adulthood, the people who are worth having this kind of relationship with likely already have a few of those irons in the fire. Not that you *cannot* make new deep, close friendships past college, of course, just be aware that it takes TIME. It takes *years* of investment to have a friendship like this.

Don’t fucking do that to me!!! Be afraid to intrude! Lol.

People who hurt you and who are hurt by you, but who choose to work through it with you instead of both of you quitting on each other.

Ummm, what? I don’t need more people who hurt me in my life…to me, that is the point of choosing friends (inner-sanctum friends) carefully. Also, being an inner-sanctum friend to someone else *should* mean that hurting them is relatively rare, because you understand them well and avoid doing things that hurt them.

…Or if you choose to be part of a church at all. Here’s a warning: if all your inner sanctum friends are Christians who are part of your same church and/or sect, be afraid, be very afraid. Cause if your faith itself hits the skids, chances are very high that these inner sanctum friends will stab you right in the back. Ask me how I know.

Who needs that? Check, please!

And within our village, we have a capacity to make five of them our BFFs. You read that right. Only five!

I think five BFFs would be a lot. Like, a LOT.

You and I are both a little needy. In fact, God built us this way. And yet it’s hard to need people.

Gross. Needy people make terrible inner sanctum friends. You can’t make withdrawals where you haven’t put deposits and if you start out friendships with the belief that you are “needy” and that’s perfectly okay, you will succeed only in making friends with other takers. You can only be needy with people who have long experience with you being un-needy. Nobody likes a “friend” who is all take and no give.

Reiterating for myself: NOT ALL PEOPLE WANT THIS! I definitely, absolutely do NOT want this. If I want people around, I ask them to be. If I want to be alone, I say that. If someone intrudes on me when I literally said I want to be alone, I will not trust that person in future. And I’m probably going to kick them out of my inner sanctum. But maybe I’m weird; I say what I mean.

Probably, in most cases, they don’t. I mean, sure, if someone just got a bad diagnosis, their kid is in jail or their partner just left them, sure. But it should be just that rare once you’re more than 30 years old.

Can’t relate. I mean…is she serious? For sure, if you are my friend I will turn myself inside out to support you in your hardships, but let’s be real, here: I’m not *looking* for messy people to add into my life. For one thing, any of us that have a partner, adult kids (or any kids, really), one or more frail parents and a couple of other relatives probably have all the messy, sobbing moments they can handle. Again - if you’re already in my inner sanctum, I will go to bat for you when life hands you a shit sandwich, and I hope you will do the same for me. But I’m not hunting around to have *more* messy people in my life who are going to call me mid-cry.

not just once in a while in the presence of a paid therapist.

Don’t dismiss the Benefit of seeing a professional therapist…

We live guarded because we fear someone will use our weakness against us.

They will, though. It’s so annoying how self-helpy authors think that’s fine. Being weak just gets you used and abused. I learned that lesson long ago. By all means, make a few deep inner sanctum friends and, when life bitch-slaps you, have a cry with someone you trust with your life. But beyond that, it’s honestly better to keep a stiff upper lip with the other 99% of your acquaintance.

No, we don’t. Sure, *some* do. But I don’t. I eat with my spouse and my kids.

And I’m sick of it. You and I both are sick of it. We’re sick from it, anyway.

Also…I do not *get* it, because isn’t this author actually married with kids, too? Doesn’t she say in the prologue that she spent time apart from her sisters and husband and they were going on without her when the book was done?

We were tight… Until we were not. One of those friends quit me. I mean, she actually looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t want to be friends anymore.”

This is not surprising to me in the tiniest bit. I guarantee you she exhausted this friend with her neediness. It’s actually a mercy that the friend was this direct about “breaking up.” Now let me read on and see how she interprets this…

this wasn’t the first or last time this happened to me. Without going into details, it was completely my fault.

My friends are exactly the same.

And now, I’m just being picky, but I don’t think too highly of this. I like people who grow. I don’t want to hang out with people who are just like they were in high school. Besides which, I kinda hated high school.

If you are an introvert, I worry that you’re about to put down this book. I realize that I am hardwired for relational connectivity more than most people, but please hear me

She does not understand introversion. I am an introvert, but I honestly do love the idea of communal living (so long as I have some space all to myself), but the thing is, right now? I AM MARRIED. I’m living communally; it’s what I picked when I said “I do”. I only have one budgie still in the nest full-time, but even when he’s out, I have a spouse. Unless he dies or trades me in for a younger model - which would be infinitely to his own detriment, let me just say - I live communally. At some future point, if that is no longer true, I would happily live with the Golden Girls. But for now, I’m married and that is where my communal living energy goes.

In fact, God existed in relationship with Himself before any of us were here. It’s called the Trinity. God is one, and God is three.

Yes, we must have the head-fuck of the Trinity in there. One god, in relationship with two other beings, who are both gods and not-God simultaneously…

Eternity was set in our hearts, Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, which means only a relationship with an eternal God can fill our hearts.

🙄

We complete each other. “As it is, there are many parts, but one body.”[9]

No. This is *wrong*. Expecting people to complete you will always fail because that’s not how it works.

We are meant to live in community, moment by moment, breath by breath. Not

Why is she continually overlooking the one aspect of community that the majority of Western adults DO at least attempt to have:marriage and offspring? It is still more common to marry/choose one particular partner with the goal of permanency than not, and it is still more common to have/adopt/surrogate at least one child (though typically more than one) than to remain childless for life. She’s glossing over the fact that most people do, in fact, wish to live in a family structure rather than permanently alone. So why, why does she keep going past that part and acting as if it has to be a flock of best buddies hanging out around the fire pit night after night to count?

But every moment, every day, for the entirety of our lives.

Fuck that…this introvert just ran away screaming…

We wait for those perfect few friends to come along, and then we look for them to play so many roles in our lives. We look to them to be everything to us.

FYI: I don’t do this. It goes back to what I said about looking for people to complete you - don’t. This is part of why I take new friendships super slow. I figure out how this person fits in with me before I expect anything of them. Because not everybody is the right person to tell when you just got a bad diagnosis or just found out your husband has been cheating on you for a year. Better to understand the limitations of your friends *before* you need them for a crisis.

No, the story goes, they wanted “knowledge”. Not “independence”. It wasn’t the Tree of Independence; it was the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. (Which is not to say I believe this story or in literal trees at all…)

WTF?! No!

My network of people is diverse and intrusive, and they hold me up and together. I love them, and they are in and out of my life most every minute of every day. And I want this for you, if you don’t already have it. More important, God wants this for you.

It’s so gross. I would straight up despise that. Literally, when I met my husband, one thing I liked best about him was that he was not up my butt constantly; he could be in a relationship with me without breathing my air every waking moment. Some weekends, he even had plans apart from whatever I was doing. It was awesome. He gave me space, which is crucial for me.

I think that’s why you are here. I am guessing you are here because you’re sick of the ache.

Nope!

Our flesh loves to not be bothered about its sin. Run—don’t walk—away from toxic people who will lead you into sin and away from God.

Hard eye roll

How do we stay and commit and spend regular time with people, even if they hurt us?

Just FYI: I’m not staying with people who hurt me. I mean, sure, an inadvertent slight now and then; no biggie. But if you hurt me repeatedly I’m done with you. Life is too short to waste on abusive people.

We are going to talk about it all. But I also am going to ask you to take a risk with me. At the end of each chapter in part 2, I’ll give you an assignment. And if you take five weeks and engage with these five activities, I believe at the end of it you will have new friends.

Well as someone who I think probably had someone trying to use these strategies *on me*, I am going to say no thank you. I’m not going to try to muscle my way into peoples lives so they can be my inner sanctum friends five weeks from now.

realize that the unplanned nature of the whole thing took our relationship to a new level, a deeper level, a level that said, “Yeah, I know we don’t yet know each other well, but I am going to be that kind of friend in your life.” The kind of friend who drops by unannounced.

That’s just it: I have specifically *deterred* people from doing that kind of thing. I do NOT want people dropping by on a random evening (especially *with* their kids!), obligating me to put whatever I was doing on hold and dig up some nosh from my pantry. The only instance in which I would be okay with this is if a close friend of mine has a serious emergency. Hospital, jail, accident…that kind of thing. Don’t be intruding on me so you can show your husband my patio furniture. 🙄

She *doesnt* live alone! She is married and has FOUR kids! It’s so weird to me how her friendship endeavor constantly by-passes the relationships of her spouse and kids. Don’t get me wrong; I love my friends and my husband is not right for all activities I would do. But come on already. Your spouse and kids are supposed to meet some of those needs for relationship on a regular basis.

Welll, honey, I literally don’t have people close by, except my spouse, my kid and my boss. I have no neighbors to speak of because I don’t live in a neighborhood. I don’t go to church. I’m not in a homeschool co-op anymore. I work in a small office and I’m the only female. So. The literal only way for me to be with friends on a recurring basis is my clubs, and/or the occasional coffee date/dinner date/whatever that I plan with a close friend.

Right now, get a blank piece of paper and draw scattered circles for each of the activities and venues you frequent over the course of a given week. Label each circle with the location or activity. Next to each circle, write the names of people you interact with in each place. Now think about each of those people in terms of potential friendships.

Bwahahahahaha! C’est ridicules! I don’t have neighbors. I don’t have co-workers. The end.

Pray over those ten highlighted names, and ask God to help you decide on the three to five people to pursue deep relationships with. Who are those people? Circle each name with a red pen.

Honestly, it is so absurd. So very silly and absurd! I hate to break it to you hon, but you can’t form close inner sanctum friendships with someone *just because you want to.* It reminds me of when, as a teenager, we would write down names of the guys we “would marry” and would list their virtues, as if that was all it took to make Mr Right appear. One thing she, so far at least, has not mentioned is that not everybody is interested in making more/new/closer friends. And frankly? With the exception of people who lack friends because of a move or change in situation (such as divorce), secure, stable people *have* friends; they aren’t gate-crashing pizza night at your home and forcing you to entertain them unannounced. They already have their two-to-five dear close friends.

willing to spill my guts,

Nope. I’m not spilling my guts with strangers, and I’m barely inclined to do it with friends. I like keeping my guts inside, thanks.

Most of the disciples lived just a few miles from each other, and most of their travels were day trips on foot.

Well, duh…that’s because there was no Metro…

This is the organized and thoughtful friend who makes sure you get together and makes sure the bill gets split up correctly during a night out. She starts the meal train email and remembers your birthday. My mom

This is also the one who, I promise you, does NOT want you to drop by the house and force her to make pizza for you and all your crumb-crunchers you brought along when you barged in…

So the six of us sat by that fire, and we prayed, we confessed sin, we sang, we cried, we laughed.

Yikes! Leave me out of that nonsense.

But the fact remains that I need somebody to bring me a casserole when I am floundering in crisis or stress, and I need someone who can look me in the eyeballs and call me out on what I’m not saying. I need someone who pops in spontaneously, makes me get dressed, and pulls me out to have some fun when I get depressed. And my people need me to do the same for them.

Me! Me!! Me!!! *I* need someone! *I* need a casserole! *I* need someone to cheer *me* up… Wanna hear a true confession? Now that I have the wisdom that comes of age and bad experiences, I actively avoid making friends with people like this. This is not the same thing as an important friend having a real, honest-to-goodness crisis; in that case, I will do almost anything that will help you. I’m loyal as fuck and, if I say so myself, am a valuable friend to have when life gives you a steaming pile of awful. And when *I’m* the one whom life has bitch-slapped, it’s truly awesome to have those real friends who I know will bring me food, go with me to appointments, ferry my kids around - whatever. But IMO, you can’t *start* with that. You don’t seek out friends with the idea that these people will fall all over you when you have a hangnail or a client was mean to you. Sheesh.

Here’s a little story…once upon a time, I met a wonderful friend whose husband had a transient job. I knew odds were, they would move away within a few years, but I must say, she had some admirable skill at making new friends quickly. I liked her a lot and viewed her as one of my closer friends. But then she moved away. And I was surprised to discover it was as if she just pulled the plug on her life in my state, as if it never existed. I guess she soon made new friends at her new place and I virtually never heard a word from her again. I was even aware one time that she was visiting here but she didn’t call, text, or otherwise acknowledge that we had ever been friends. It was confusing and really was quite disheartening.

…when I try to go deeper in conversation and the vulnerability is not reciprocated? I get it. Some people don’t have this capacity. Move on, keep trying. Don’t quit. Don’t

Haha, I am the one who is rebuffing these nosy people. You don’t get to my inner sanctum by pestering me.

Yuck.

But more agonizing than this first realization was the second realization that hit: I’ve had this same conversation before. Jessica’s words were painfully familiar. I’d lost other friendships for this same reason.

I’m betting that is because she makes friends with needy and intrusive people. Then when she doesn’t be needy back, they are embarrassed that they put all their eggs in such a rickety basket.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to go deep about you. I’m just not that interested in divulging the truest parts of me.

Me neither. But I don’t understand why she insists it is the wrong way to be. Who says we have to throw our guts up on everyone we call a friend? It’s just not necessary, nor is it at all desirable.