To Hate Adam Connor

by Ella Maise

Isn’t it the worst thing when your ex gets in touch with you when you’re starting to move on with your life? Isn’t it so inconsiderate of them? I

yes

There was something special about falling in love with fictional characters through words.

“What matters to you, Lucy? Where do you see yourself in ten years? Will you be busy making sure no one touches your heart again just so you won’t end up like your mom and grandmother? Or will you be living your own life on your own terms? Is your life about not being like them or is it your own story?”

It’s not like I’m not capable of love. I’m just practical. I know what will happen, so why step off the cliff if I know I’m just gonna fall into the ocean? And like I just said, I did step off that cliff just a few months ago and look what happened.”

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t jealousy. I wanted nothing but happiness for them, but maybe it was the first time I’d wanted someone to hold me that closely, to look at me just like Jason was looking at Olive. His fingers were playing with her hair as Olive’s head rested against his chest. Eyes closed. There was no music. Nothing but the two of them in the world. So, for a brief moment, I wanted the same for myself.

The feeling of security that someone was there to hold you up when gravity was too much to handle on your own, that you had someone you could trust enough to let go.

“Do you like dancing?” I asked, ignoring common sense. “No.” “Oh,” I said, surprised. “Okay.” “Ask me anyway,” he countered. I hesitated. “Will you dance with me?” “Yes.”

but it still hurt to see that he wasn’t all that different with other people than he was with me.

When I catch Jason looking at Olive, even when she is doing something mundane like drinking water or generally acting like a crazy person, I see his lips tipping up. If I’m feeling extra mushy and look hard enough, I can actually see his love for her. Again, mushy, I know, but it looks beautiful on them. Love looks beautiful on them.

“I’m going to un-break your heart, Lucy,” he promised in a low voice.

I know how to take care of what’s mine. You won’t want to lose me.”

“And you deserve better. You don’t deserve to panic about something like this on your own. You don’t deserve to be alone. You deserve so much better.”

because I deserve to be loved, goddammit. I deserve to have someone dance with me to no music.”