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“I think love—the good kind—holds an equal mix of wonder and familiarity. That feeling like you know someone, yet you also know parts of them are still a mystery that you can’t wait to slowly discover. If there’s no wonder, I think the love can die. If there’s no familiarity, I think the love already feels dead. If I were the one marrying you, I would be bothered more than I am. But you chose her.”
FUCK! Yes, I adopted that word into my vocabulary, like a favorite tool in a toolbox that I used only on a need-to basis.
“You didn’t see them. Before his accident, you didn’t see them. They were in love. You can’t be that person, the one who tries to steal another woman’s man.” “Like you stole my mom?”
Oh shit
“Because he’s found someone else.” My lips fell into a frown as I lifted one shoulder like it was no big deal. “Married?” I shook my head. “No.” “Then he’s fair game.”
“But what if my memory never returns? What if I spend months going on dates with Angie, dates where I’m not really thinking about her because I’m really wondering what Nurse Capshaw is doing. Is she working on crossword puzzles for me? Is she shopping at Target without me? Is she running in her sexy running shorts? Or is she delivering someone’s baby and grinning from ear to ear? Is she so excited that she needs someone to kiss? And if I’m on a date with Angie, how can I be the one Nurse Capshaw kisses?
“Slow down. I’m not a fan of jogging in a cast.” “Then go back to your family, Fisher.” “Slow … the … fuck … down …” He caught up to me and grabbed my arm.
Stopppp still chasing after her
“See, that’s the problem. The people I need time and space from just refuse to give it to me. And the one person I need more time with and much less space from is the one who keeps running or driving away from me.”
“According to you, I’m the lost fisherman. Just trying to find myself.” “And you think you’ll find yourself on the way to second base with me?” He glanced over my shoulder into the distance, head bobbing a little bit. “Maybe not on my way to second base. Third base …” His lips twisted. “That’s a much higher possibility. I think a home run would make me not give a shit if I found myself or anyone else for that matter.”
“Second base is everything above the waist.” Above the waist. Was he kidding? That left chest and abs for me. Not that Fisher didn’t have a great chest and abs, but men had nothing forbidden above their waist. Second base was clearly defined by a man.
“I told her I’m engaged to a woman I’ve known nearly my whole life. But I’m in love with a woman I’ve known for a breath, maybe two.”
“The increased heart rate I get just from thinking about you. Oh … and that. The constant thinking about you. The stupid smile that I can’t seem to wipe off my face because I’m thinking about you all the damn time.”
The only gift I cared to give my future husband was the most confident version of myself. A full heart and a humbled soul.
“Because what we have is effortless. It just … happens. What we have doesn’t care if it’s right or wrong. It doesn’t care about timing. It doesn’t care about age. And it doesn’t need memories to live or survive. Fisher doesn’t have to remember that he loves me. It’s simply that he does, whether he makes a conscious choice to do it or not. I think he loved Angie because he’d convinced himself it made sense. And if his memory comes back, I think he’s going to realize that, and then he’s going to realize it no longer makes sense.”
“Oh, hon … I’m Team Reese. Always.” She lifted her gaze.
“Why?” With a contemplative expression, he kept his gaze forward. “Because I love you today. And I think there’s a high probability that I will love you tomorrow—on your birthday. Loving you means making your birthday as special as possible.”
My sleeping bag was laid out along with an extra blanket and my pillow at the top with a note on it. I’ll ask anyway … wait for me.
“What do you fear most? Is it your memory returning and you suddenly knowing what you felt for her and why you felt it? Is it disappointing your family if you don’t marry her? Is it making the wrong decision?” He tucked his hands into my back pockets and kissed my forehead. “It’s losing you while I attempt to do the right thing.”
It was one thing to hear someone tell you they love you. It was something entirely different, infinitely more special to hear them say the words to someone else like it was a three-word explanation for their existence. I love her. I was the luckiest her in the world.
“It’s me,” I said. “Sorry. What, dear?” Grandma said, smiling at me … the slut. “I’m the slut.”
“I know he loves you,” she said. “I just want you to have it easier than I had it. I don’t want love to be this complicated and messy for you.” “Messy …” I laughed a little. “That’s how we know it’s real.”
“This ends. When I get home this ends. I’m not doing this any longer. Fuck my memory. Fuck family loyalty. I can’t do this another month. I want you. That’s it. You. So go sulk. You have three days for your pity party. Then I’m going to tie you to …” Oh shit. SHIT. I knew it happened the second it happened. And not only was I not with him, but I was not even in the same country. And it freaked me out. It scared me for a million reasons.
PICK UP YOUR GODDAMN PHONE!!!!! MESSAGE ME THE FUCK BACK! I ZIP-TIED YOU TO THE STOOL IN MY SHOP! WE WERE MORE THAN FRIENDS AND YOU GODDAMN KNOW IT!
“Fisher …” I grasped for every last second, but all I could do was say his name. “I love you.” “I have to go.” Fisher ended the call.
“I’m always running from you because you are the worst, Fisher Mann. The. Worst. You make it impossible to love you and just as impossible to not love you. But the worst part is you make it impossible to be with you. And you just … let me go. All the freaking time. And you go off to Costa Rica and screw around with Angie and sleep in the same bed and do god knows what else with her. Then you again let me get out of your truck that morning after coffee and you. Let. Me. Go.
I loved you. So yeah … I’m running from you because you are bad for me. And I should have known it years ago.
“I didn’t tell you because I wanted you to remember us and how you felt about me all on your own. And I wanted to be there when it happened. I wanted to see the look on your face. And I wanted it to convey the feelings I had when I realized you were falling in love with me for the second time without ever remembering the first time. I wanted to know if you felt this sense of awe and fate like it was impossible for us to not fall in love at every possible opportunity.”
“I love you today.” He shrugged a shoulder. “And I’m going to wake up and do the same thing tomorrow.”
“Were you ever going to come for me?” Fisher smiled that glorious, unmatchable grin, and it instantly sent a new round of burning tears to my eyes. It blew my heart up like a balloon, and it rattled my stomach, sending those familiar, tiny wings aflutter. “I was thinking about it.”
When we pulled back an inch and gazed at each other, he grinned again. “I told you, all you needed to do was go knock on his door.”
And when it happened, when I remembered the feeling, it felt indescribable, in some way like the universe was laughing at me. How could I have not known? Not like my brain forming the memory, more like my soul tapping on my heart and saying, ‘Yo, dumb ass, remember her? We love her. ‘We will always love her.’”
“Can I do it now?” “Do what?” I asked with a soft voice, running my fingers through his messy hair. “Can I love you forever?” I swallowed a little emotion that had been building since I saw the closet. “Yes.”
I said yes because she was my friend. I said yes because my family adored her. I said yes because she had just lost her mother. I said yes because we were good enough together. And I said yes because I had already let the one go.
I wasn’t engaged when the truck knocked me off my motorcycle. And Angie shared everything about our past that suited her narrative, her desperation to keep me. And given the short amount of time between breaking off our engagement and the accident that afternoon, nobody else knew the truth.
