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I couldn’t forgive him or like him, but I saw that what he had done was, to him, entirely justified. –F. Scott Fitzgerald
There’s no point in objecting. What I want doesn’t matter. It never did. Royal kept telling me, but I didn’t understand. Now I do.
King would despise me if he knew what we’d done, what I’d let them become. I should have killed her like I wanted, kept them from her, kept myself from having to admit this truth about them—that I knew what they’d do to Harper when I finally let them have her after six months of denying them. It was both their reward for respecting my previous claim and her punishment for betrayal. But I can’t remember when they became the kind of people whose attention is a punishment.
If there’s one person on earth who’s tough and resourceful enough to do that after what we did to her, it’s Harper. And she’ll be out for revenge. So, if she’s alive, why hasn’t she called the cops? And if she’s dead, why can’t I find her body?
Just when I thought I couldn’t sink any lower, I find new ways to surprise myself. Like a fucking serial killer, I just jerked off while looking at pictures of the girl I murdered.
I’d die before I admitted it to anyone, but everything’s been shit since Harper. My insides are raw, jagged edges.
“Don’t you think it’s weird that she just… Vanished? I mean, I’m not saying you’re not worth going off the deep end over, or that you couldn’t eviscerate her heart so completely she could never love again. She liked to play it cool, but she really loved you, Royal. Like, the kind of love that eats you alive, and you’re never the same again.”
“So you dressed me up and pretended you did,” I say, feeling like some weird blow-up doll. I’ve acted like one. I haven’t been a whole person since before the swamp. I’ve been a doll, broken into a million pieces, and he’s pieced some of them back together—at least on the outside. But he can’t fix me inside. He can reach in, but he won’t find anything to piece back together. I’m hollow.
Now I know the truth. Nothing can help him. His evil knows no bounds. I’m not the demon. He’s the demon, the one who possessed me and stole my soul, leaving nothing behind. I’m the empty shell of a girl, all that’s left after the demon gets what it wants and moves on to the next victim.
The only way out was through, and now I’m through. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s what Mr. D was doing. He was the other piece of the puzzle, the Darling side that had to use up whatever was left when the Dolces were done. He finished me off, and now I’m so empty there’s nothing left but a perfectly polished shell.
“I… Wanted to see you,” he says quietly. “Why?” I ask, stopping in front of him. “What could you possibly want from me that I haven’t already given? No, actually, that you haven’t already taken. There’s nothing left, Royal. I’m nothing, just like you always said.” “I never said that.” I cock my head. “Didn’t you, though?”
“Can we just—can we talk?” A laugh escapes me, but it’s more of a bitter snort. I don’t think I’m capable of laughter anymore. “Fine,” I say. “Whatever you want, whatever you think I still have left to take, take it. I don’t care. I’ll give you anything you want if you’ll just leave me alone for the rest of my fucking life.”
“Were you really trying to end your life?” he asks after he doesn’t find whatever he’s looking for in my eyes. “No,” I say. “Of course not. My life is even more glamorous now than it was before I was gang raped and left for dead in a swamp. I mean, what could possibly make a girl like me want to end it?”
“Look, whatever you want, just take it,” I say again. “You want to talk, talk. You want to fuck me, I’ll lay down on the back seat and you can fuck me in the ass or whatever sick thing you want to do that you think can still hurt me. It won’t. Don’t you get that? It doesn’t matter, Royal. Whatever you do to me, I don’t care. If you want to kill me, here are my wrists. Fucking slit them. I won’t fight. I don’t care.”
“I want you to fucking fight,” Royal growls. “Why, is that what gets you off?” I ask. “Oh, wait, never mind. Nothing gets you off now that I’m not around, right? Is that why you’re here?” “No,” he snaps, frustration etched into his every beautiful feature. “What the fuck, Harper. I’m not here to fuck you.” “You can see where a girl could be confused,” I say. “Seeing as how all of last year, you told me that was my sole purpose in life.”
Royal threw a guy over the edge once, into the quarry, because he was fucking with me. If he really wanted to protect me, he should have pushed me over instead.
I think he means his words as a promise, but they bring no comfort. They’re a curse I can’t escape, no matter how well I hide. He’s a curse.
I should have known. I had it all wrong. It’s his need that will kill me. Because now I’m empty, but he still needs more. He’s still here, demanding more, and I have nothing to give him but tears. I’m as hollow and soulless as he is. I can’t fight his claim, but I can’t accept it, either. I can only sob out my anguish and fury and regret, knowing I will never be free as long as his venomous heart craves mine, as long as the void of his soul seeks mine, calling for it in the empty cavern inside me where only echoes live now.
He insisted on following me home before he’d leave yesterday. The irony is not lost on me. What does he think can happen to a girl that’s worse than what he already let happen? What he caused?
“I didn’t say you were stupid.” “I don’t care,” I say. “I don’t care if you take me right back to the swamp. I don’t care if you have a whole fucking parade come by and fuck me before you kill me this time. I don’t care what you do to me, Royal, because I’m already dead.”
You’re a fake, just like everyone in your family. You’re probably going to tell me you were faking this, too, that you’re a nice guy under it all. That you were just doing what you had to do so you could stay with the in crowd, following orders. But there comes a point when being a spineless little coward doesn’t make you pathetic, it makes you evil.”
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry it was so hard for you, and that my existence ruined your life. I really, truly feel for you. I know you think it’s my fault, but it’s not like I asked to be born.” “I know you didn’t, baby,” she says, sitting down beside me on the bed. “And I know I wasn’t always the best mama to you. But you’re doing real good for yourself, and I want you to know I’m proud of that.”
I’m not crying, you’re crying
The force of the memory hits me right in the chest, like the memories hit me at the bridge. Despite everything, despite us both playing a game all along, both seeing how far the other could go before we broke, we were happy. The realization is shocking and absurd and tragically, terribly real.
I was aimless, lost in some dark swamp of nightmares for the past six months, unable to leave even when my body was pulled free and carried out. My soul never really left that night, though. I’m not sure it ever will.
Speaking of that guy, Colt hasn’t gotten out. I open his door. “You coming?” “Nope,” he says, crossing his arms. “So you’re going to sit here and let us take all the risk for you, while you’re the only one who really benefits?” Gloria asks. “Yup.” “Colt,” I say, putting a hand on his knee. “What’s going on? You’re really not coming?” “Not even if you offered to sit on my face while Gloria rides my super fine dick.”
“I consider you a friend,” I say. “And I need friends right now. Allies. Can you trust me just this once?” He looks at Gloria, then back to me. “Fine,” he says. “But this time, whatever happens is on you. Consider yourself a murderer if they kill me. And out of respect for our friendship, try not to fall on any of their dicks until my body’s cold.”
“I solemnly swear to avenge you if anything happens. Now come on.”
“And I didn’t tell the twins what happened to you, Harper. And yet, somehow they seem to know. Funny how that works, isn’t it?”
Wtf happened to her that he’s taking about? Why can’t I remember?! Must’ve been book 2 or 3?
“He’s been sucked into your orbit,” he says. “You were a passing sun whose gravitational pull was strong enough to pull him out of his solar system and into yours. Now you’re stuck with him. He can’t leave you alone. But I think you know that, Jailbird. I think you knew all along that men like Royal don’t love twice.”
Some part of me never really left the swamp that night. Some part of me died there. Another part of me lives there still, caught in the nightmare of a night that never ended. And I don’t know how to end it without ending everything.
Of course Harper’s not going to fucking seek me out. She’s been running from me since I walked out of that swamp for the first time.
I stare at him in horror, wondering where the hell I just was, if I became a monster like Royal, out of my body, like someone else was acting in my place.
“I hate you, too, you fucking bitch.” He grabs my chin and squeezes, his fingers cutting into my cheeks until my mouth is forced open. He leans down over me, works his jaw, and spits a long stream of warm blood into my mouth. I’m so shocked I swallow before I can help myself.
“Trust me, baby. I’m going to cum so deep inside you that you can’t remember anything but the way my cock owns every inch of you, inside and out. You’re fucking mine, Harper. It never ends. You’re right about that.”
I can feel his warm cum sliding down my cold thighs like tears of shame. I didn’t think it was possible to hate myself any more than I already did, but somehow, Royal makes it possible.
I clench my jaw and bare my teeth in my most ferocious smile. Then I repeat the words he once said to me. “Just because I made you cum, don’t get attached.”
