The Heartbreak Bakery

by A.R. Capetta

Everyone at school knows I’m queer. My family knows. I know how lucky I am that I was never scared to say it out loud. I don’t know why it’s harder to tell people that I don’t feel attached to a specific gender. That some days wearing a femme outfit or acting a masc way feels nice, but neither of those things is me.

Whenever I see a queer couple doing even the simplest things, like kissing or holding hands or existing, I swear I get stronger.

“Oh.” I want to be with a person who orders my favorite cake just because it’s Tuesday. That might be my new working definition of love.

Harley and I exchange the exploding fist bump of two people who are taking care of their mental health.

It’s not fun to admit, but maybe I’m a little obsessed with love because I’m afraid that, at any moment, it could be snatched away.

But then I’d have to sit down and explain myself on their terms.

It’s about everyone in this room, it’s about all of us, and what shape we get to be when nobody asks us to fit in.

When I was young and full of feelings I didn’t know how to share, when I was afraid nobody would understand me, I found a language everybody knows. Sugar, flour, butter. The comfort of a perfect cookie, the joy of a celebration cake, the bittersweet importance of chocolate. I put everything in my heart into my baking. Years later, I lost the one person who I thought would see me and love me for exactly who I am — and the magic started up again. This has always been my way of sharing what I feel. Especially when things get hard.

Or you know, be afraid, and feel it anyway.

my heart stretches wide with fear and love. They feel like the same thing.

It doesn’t feel like I’m hiding. It feels like I’m shouting in a language that nobody else can understand. Which is frustrating, because being agender already feels like that a lot of the time.

Everyone thinks they have the right to judge when it comes to gender. Guess what? There’s no winning this game! The rules are made up! You might as well have fun.