Where We Went Wrong

by Kelsey Kingsley

She released a deep breath, and in her eyes, I saw how much she dreaded what came next. I thought about how hard her job must be, to deliver this type of news to family members. To children. Because, at the end of the day, that’s what we were. Adults, sure, but we were still his children and he was still our father, and no amount of adulthood can prepare a child for that look.

“Andy,” I laughed, shaking my head and pushing through the swinging doors, “there's always room for pizza.”

And then, when my lips touched hers with a little more passion than she had exhibited, I wondered if that fear was just a sign that I was about to embark on a journey worth taking. If maybe that queasy, terrifying feeling in my gut was my soul saying, yo, Vin, this chick right here? She’s better than dirty sex in dirty bathrooms, and you know what? Maybe you are, too.

Elle, a stick-thin blonde, wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “No, thanks. That many carbs will keep me on my Peloton for hours tonight. Do you have salad pizza?”

From the corner of my eye, I saw Jamie. I saw her hands clasped against her chest and her smile, and I smiled back. She liked him, she approved, and that felt more important than getting the thumbs-up from my sisters.

I nodded somberly. “Did you ever see her again?” He shook his head. “Never in person but always in my dreams.”

I picked up the bowl and scrubbed it vigorously, replaying his laugh in my mind. And then, I dropped the soapy thing back into the sink, realizing that soon, so, so soon, I would no longer remember the sound of his voice. He was already fading from my mind and this place. The process had already begun the second he died, and I could acutely feel the bottom of my heart drop out. Pain swept over me, filling my chest and my stomach, and it took every ounce of effort to remember to breathe.

Pulling in a deep breath, I whispered, “I love you,” on my exhale. And Vinnie thrust his lips against mine, kissing me deep and thoroughly, before muttering, “I fuckin' love you, too, sweetheart.”

I agreed to not talk, but I never promised that I wouldn’t think. And so, as we danced and as she hiked her leg up around my waist, drawing me closer and, eventually, drawing me in, my thoughts circled in an endless loop. I was never perfect, but she was. And I ruined her.

It occurred to me then that love isn't just the simple act of being with someone, it’s also carrying the weight of their truth and making it your own. Just to lighten the load and make their life that much easier.