That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Demon (Mead Mishaps, #1)

by Kimberly Lemming

“Who wouldn’t want to go off on a grand adventure with a bunch of hot heroes also chosen by the goddess?” Me bitches. No, thank you.

Who needs him? Or any man! Love was for people with not enough wine in their hands!

“Maybe I’m not going to use it for myself! Have you ever thought of that? I’ll uh…I’ll give it to my girlfriend!” “Harper.” I began, putting my free hand on my waist. “Look at me. You do not have a girlfriend. I don’t know who you’re trying to fool right now.” His eyes went wide, and I could just picture his stupid open-mouthed face as he took in my retort. “I’m not Harper! I’m just a roaming bandit. You’re mean!” “You’re trying to ROB me!” The metal of the hammer in his hand reflected the moonlight as it caught my eye. “Harper, I swear to the goddess I will shove this torch where the sun doesn’t shine.” I said, grasping the torch with two hands and giving it a test swing in his direction.

“Notice how she got it right on the second try, then kept going!” I giggled. “Then reduced us to birth order!” Cumin roared, doubling over in a fit of laughter. Chili did his best to regain a straight face and slammed his fist on the table. “Spare male child! Listen to your ma!” he ordered, his face breaking into a grin. “SPARE MALE CHILD.” I wheezed, trying not to choke on my stolen bacon. The spare male threw himself on the table in a fit of drama. “Is that all I am to you, mother?! A spare in case Chili perishes in the Great War?” Ma eyed him with the most deadpan face I’d ever seen in all my twenty-four years. “Yes.”

This family dynamic is everything

“I look a bit like this,” came a voice outside the kitchen window.

You little shit

A hand slid around my waist and pulled me closer to him, our faces almost touching. “Until the last phylactery is destroyed, you are mine.” He growled low in his throat. “I will dispose of anyone who impedes that.” Fallon held my eyes a moment longer, searching for any resistance. When he found none, he let go of my waist and backed away. “But I will refrain from killing any humans.” He said, glancing back at me. “If they are smart enough to listen.” I am a strong, independent woman. I run my own segment of the renowned Spicepepper farm, and I pay my own bills. I was absolutely not turned on by that. Vaguely, I wondered how good a demon’s hearing was. If Fallon could hear the drum solo going on in my chest, we would have a problem. What is wrong with me?

“I imagine the women in this realm must be willing to pay a hefty price to make their scent so alluring.”

Turning back, I saw my demon standing there with an astonished expression on his face.

His coal eyes took me in with a downright predatory expression as a crooked smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “I don’t think I’ll be letting you go after we finish this quest.”

A devilish grin sent shock waves straight to my core. “I mean, I’m going to take you as my wife when this is all over.”

“Well, of course not, love. I’d need to put my mark on you for that.” He brushed my curly hair away from my neck and traced it softly. “I’d give you a bite right here and transfer some of my magic into you.” A slight shock of electricity went through me as he kissed my shoulder just above the collarbone. I jumped and pushed him away. Scooting as far away as the seat allowed, I shot him a dark glare. Fallon laughed and settled back into place.

“I mean, not what I would say to the man who just beat your friend with your other friend like he was a ragdoll. But live your best life, I guess.”

“I gave you my word I would try not to kill any more of your precious humans.” Fallon scowled at the mess of men around him. The flames had dissipated from his arms, with the remnants of the shirt smoking slightly. Is he…ashamed? He took what I said to heart. Maybe I wasn’t traveling with a straight villain. Perhaps he was just villain-adjacent. I could work with that. “Fallon, it’s fine,” I told him in a soft tone. Shrugging the quiver off my shoulder, I placed the bow and arrows back in the cart. “I hold no love for rapists and thieves. If you didn’t kill them, I’m sure they would have done worse to me. Hence why I shot the last one. Hell, I think Smash killed the leader.” His head rose to look me in the eye. “You are not upset?” “No. They were rapists. Please kill rapists.”

Fallon put an arm back around my shoulders, settling my head against his chest. “Does this mean you’ve agreed to be my wife?” “No, you’re still a rapscallion.”

I ducking love the two

A small smile graced his lips. “Every scratch,” he whispered, his tone gentle and comforting. “Every bruise, I will pay back in fire and blood.”

“I can be your villain.” He whispered. “Why don’t you let me take away the burden of choice for a while?”

He shook his head. “I want to hear you say it.” Damn him. “Yes.” “Good girl.” His voice was deep and rich, like chocolate drizzled over cake.

“That doesn’t sound very nice.” He chuckled. “I’m your villain today, remember? I don’t need to be nice.”

looked past Fallon to see his side of the bed was also occupied by various cheeses. “Why is the bed covered in cheese?” “You don’t remember?” Fallon put his arms behind his head and settled back down. “Last night, you demanded we bring you cheese and then stated that you were the cheese queen.” I blinked. “There’s no way I did that.” “Really?” He asked with a smirk. “Because I fully remember you tasking several orcs to bring you cheese. Then you sat in the captain’s chair, and the words ‘I am the cheese queen’ definitely came out of your mouth.”

whatever is the quickest way. Just end it.” “My love, I’d sooner kill everyone on this ship to save you the embarrassment.”

“Yes.” He sighed. “But I’ve loved you since day one.”

I could die from this. They’ll have to write “fucked into oblivion” on my tombstone. But glory, glory, what a hell of a way to die.

“Oh, the troubles I go through for my wife.” A thrill went up my spine at his words. “Am I really? We don’t need to have a ceremony or register with the church?” “Darling, we burned down the church.”

Fallon blinked down at me. His hand came up to caress my cheek. “You are my heart.”

The handsome features of my demon became apparent as he lowered me onto the bed. He stared at me with such hunger I thought I’d burst into flames myself. “My wife.” He whispered before capturing my lips in a tender kiss that felt so right, so perfect.

“You’re just going to have me run around naked on this island?” I asked. Fallon rubbed his hands up my thighs before running his tongue along the sensitive skin there, making me shiver. “Of course not. I’m not a monster.” He paused his movements to glance up at me. “You can have a towel.” “My, how sweet of you.”