Saving Noah

by Lucinda Berry

He was like curling up on the couch with a blanket and stepping into my favorite book.

I fell in love with him instantly, marveling at his perfection and that I’d grown him cell by cell in my body. My feelings stemmed from the deepest parts of me, parts I didn’t know existed until I had him. He wasn’t a stranger when they placed him in my arms. It was like a missing piece of myself had been returned.

If you did everything right and it still turned out wrong, then what was the point?

“Noah has made a great client. You know that. We talk about it all the time, but there haven’t been any battles. None. It’s almost been too easy. I’m wondering if we missed something.”

“Of course, he didn’t. I don’t understand either,” I snapped. “You really don’t understand?”

“That’s just it. He doesn’t understand contacting them would cause them more damage. I’m afraid there’s another reason he wants to talk to them.”

Time had dragged. Nobody told me time slowed down with tragedy and how each minute became excruciating when it was painful to merely exist. Just when I was gaining my footing, something would remind me of it and send me into an emotional tailspin. Most of the time it was the little things, like a college admission packet in the mail, an email about ordering hot lunches for the next month, or lyrics to a song he liked. The grief would pummel me, and I had no choice except to succumb to it until it passed.

But I had to go on for Katie, because being a mother means you live your life as a living sacrifice.

There had to be a God, because there had to be a heaven. A time when I got to see him again, and he was the one to walk me home.