Right Where I Left You

by Julian Winters

The thing about coming out is you’re so focused on making sure who you are doesn’t hurt or change your relationship with your loved ones that you never really think about yourself.

Not all families are created by blood. Some families are made through love and companionship.

“The only one I don’t understand is that heterosexual thing,” I say. “When are people going to realize it’s just a phase?” “Right?” Davi says. “I think they’re confused.” “Maybe they haven’t met the right person yet?” “Hopefully, they’ll grow out of it.” “But what if they don’t?” I gasp dramatically.

Not everyone takes my sexuality seriously. It’s like, coming out is supposed to be this huge declaration. But then no one hears you when you say you’re bi. They think it’s a phase.”

Being anything other than straight means performing your queerness for everyone, all the time, for validation. But that’s stupid. Queer people don’t have to prove anything. We are who we are.

At fourteen, I don’t think we were ready to admit how big it was to come out. We were two boys saying the words casually. Terrified of how the other would react. Friendships don’t come with guarantees, even the closest ones. I know how lucky I am that neither one of us made it this epic, life-altering moment. Still, I wanted more back then. Maybe Diego did too. This is the moment we didn’t give each other then.

The thing about apologies is you can’t force the other person to listen, no matter how badly you want them to. You can only gather the words, hold them in your heart, and hope the person on the other end will meet you halfway to hear them. Once you’ve hurt someone, wanting to fix things is the easiest part. It’s the waiting on acceptance that truly destroys you.

Maybe not every friend is the one you share your deepest secrets with. Maybe you’re that friend to someone else—the one they confide in. Maybe there are friends for laughing and crying and sharing food with while avoiding problems. Maybe every friend plays a different role.

Sometimes, you have to be brave enough to give yourself the thing everyone else won’t.