I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

by Tom Segura

I’m not special, but I didn’t wait for something to happen. I took calculated risks, and you can and should do the same. Make the life you want happen for yourself because you really can.

You see, Jesus loves me. I know this because he gave me blue eyes. Blue like the heavens above. And yes, you might get lost staring into my dreamy, water-hued eyeballs, but you should know that they only despise one thing: bright lights. You, reading this, probably don’t have blue eyes, right? You probably have turd eyes. Brown, diarrhea-colored eyes are very common. I frown all day whenever I see them. “Caca eyes,” as they are referred to in the medical community, might look like shit when you see them, but the one and only upside of having those poop balls in your head is that they process light much more effectively.