I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

by Tom Segura

When Jeffrey Epstein called me in the summer of 2013, I didn’t know what to make of it. We had spent time together in Paris the prior spring. Kidding! Just checking that you’re actually reading this.

Are the Taliban really that bad? Seems like they’re a bunch of knuckleheads, but mostly the kind of guys you want to have a beer with.

repulsive,

My dad would stare, stone-faced, waiting for it to make sense to him—kind of like one of those paintings at the mall where you zone out looking at one image and then another image pops out at you.

But what I really took from the whole encounter was put yourself out there. If you love barbecue, tell the world. If you love tennis, tell the world. If you love dressing up like a dog and having a dildo that’s made to look like a tail inserted into you rectally, tell the world. The world hears you. You’ll see.

“If I think about your mother, I can do it seven times. They call me dead hand.” That is a Hall of Fame level answer for a twelve-year-old

I think this is the part where someone who really has a dream does the work they’re supposed to do. Rocky ran those steps, and Michael Jordan got cut from his JV team and pushed himself, and Buffalo Bill had to follow all those big-boned women home to hone his craft.

I’d learned something they don’t teach you in school: The world is full of disappointment. In sports, jobs, but most of all, in people.

she’ll do something amazing like one of her widely celebrated farts. Seriously. We, her family, have been in awe of her wind valve for decades.

“bringer” shows (shows where you, the performer, are supposed to literally “bring” people to watch it).

“When it comes to art, greatness is not subjective. Greatness is undeniable.”

you are in a terrible neighborhood if you see a white girl with cornrows. If you see one, you can be sure she is down for whatever.

one of the greatest albums of all time was recorded: Skanks for the Memories by Dave Attell.

I’m not special, but I didn’t wait for something to happen. I took calculated risks, and you can and should do the same. Make the life you want happen for yourself because you really can.

Some days I don’t want to see anyone, and I savor the time to just exist. I don’t want you to think I’m building bombs in a cabin with no power. I don’t like being that alone.