I'd Like to Play Alone, Please

by Tom Segura

My father actually waited until people were settled in before he decided to bring up what a “sucking chest wound” is.

Lol

I really hate bothering people, and unless I see an opening that will aggravate minimally, I don’t say shit to anyone.

I've never read something more me

Someone could spit in my face and my response would be, “Maybe he thought I was thirsty.”

Fair enough

This other time, I had a lovely date with a woman, but it never evolved into a relationship. Do you know why? Her feet were too narrow.

Omg me