This Is Why They Hate Us

by Aaron H. Aceves

Let’s do the things that will lead to us becoming the people we want to be.”

Using Kelly Clarkson lyrics as a mantra is all fine and dandy until a cute boy who could ruin your entire life is in front of you.

but it’s so hard to even think about shaking off the resolve I’ve had for so long: go with what’s comfortable, stick with what’s safe, and don’t disrupt the lives of the people who care about you because they deserve peace. If I make a move on a guy, I’m not the only one who’d feel the effects of that.

Ever since they found out I was crazy, they haven’t wanted to put any pressure on me whatsoever. Everything I do is “good enough.” Even waking up in the mornings is seen as an accomplishment. Which, I guess, sometimes it is. But now I wonder if they’ve given up on me.

It’s funny, I feel like I’m living an entirely different life online and stuff. I can express myself however I want to. I can be thirsty and angry and dumb and funny. I can be me without worrying about what my parents or my aunts or uncles will say. I wish I could be like that all the time.”

I’d forget myself in an instant if I saw him today. And that makes me wonder, Why is it so easy for me to discard myself for someone else?

I’m hiding a part of myself from everyone I love, too scared to show myself in my entirety because maybe then they’d leave.

2meirl4meirl

And now comes the feeling that only bisexual people are lucky enough to know the true horror of: wanting to make out with the person who’s stealing the person you also want to make out with.

lmao

Saleem and I were in the same world history class, and our teacher was Mr. Stewart, who told us on the first day of school that the United States was the best country in the world and his favorite president was Reagan.

Oh, dear.

You can’t love someone if you’re not willing to fight for them. And boy did I love that boy in front of me.

this could very well be a homophobic thing. Maybe Tyler thinks that if his encounters with dudes mean nothing to him then that means he isn’t actually queer….

I’m tired of being envious of people. It’s a never-ending list. I’m envious of people with tanner skin, people with non-brown eyes, people who are musically talented, people who are athletically talented, people who are dumber than me and don’t have to think, people who are smarter than me and do everything with ease, people with normal brains who don’t lose the ability to function at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I’m envious of straight people and white people and rich people. I’m envious of guys who are taller than me, guys with bigger dicks, guys with better asses, guys who are hairless, guys who are hairier. I want to be anyone who isn’t myself.

It always happens in the summer. People are supposed to get sad in the winter, but for me it’s always the summer. There’s too much time. Too much time to think. Too much time to feel.

Fuck summer tbh.

Here’s the thing about therapists: I always know what they’re gonna say. I know how I should be, how I should feel, what’s “healthy behavior.” But there’s a reason I don’t always go in that direction. When you’re poor and overworked you don’t go to the grocery store after your shift ends to shop and then go home to slave over the stove, even if that’s the healthier, more cost-efficient option. When you’re poor and overworked you go to McDonald’s, and even though you already feel guilty for ordering a large Big Mac meal, you throw in a strawberry shake because there’s a chance that fucking shake is the only thing standing between you and death. Well, a faster death.

I once read a very interesting article about weight loss that talked about how people don't recognize that willpower is a finite resource.

“What if it changes me? Permanently. What if meds alter my brain chemistry in a way that can’t be undone? I’m not particularly fond of the brain I have now, but it’s at least familiar. I’ve figured it out. Mostly.”

This is such a a common fear that I relate to, but man, I really wish that I had been put on an antidepressant like 10 years sooner. The difference in quality of life is hard to articulate.

So often I blame myself for being lazy and dramatic, and while I’m sure I can’t blame everything on my mental illness(es), I just don’t want to be making it all up.

Do I want a dude from this app to come to my house and kill me? Or do I want to go to his house and have him kill me there?

“I only want you to be safe, and I want you to experience love and relationships when you’re old enough not only to legally consent, but understand how to protect yourself.”

It’s like this thing I learned about in my psych class called stereotype threat. You internalize an idea about yourself and it starts affecting how you act and you end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy. So I’m constantly doubting my attractions, my actual feelings. I’m gaslighting myself.

I’ve been realizing that even the most important people in my life don’t know me completely. I’ve kept different parts of myself hidden from them and offered up a version of me that I thought they’d like, that they would feel comfortable with. And lately, that’s become utterly exhausting. Because I’m tired of people loving pieces of me. I want them to see me, in full, and celebrate me for who I am.”

Ugh. I hate when people exaggerate how “amazing” I am. The distance between my perceived self and the person they claim to see grows so large it becomes unbelievable. Why don’t they keep it realistic and call me an “okay” person? That I’d accept.

I don’t feel like a person with you. I want to be with someone who makes me feel like a person. Even if we’re only hooking up.”

👏👏👏😭😭😭

He rolls his eyes. “You’re being really dramatic right now, you know that?” The utter disgust in his voice jacks up my heart rate. Is this what those guys on the app meant when they put “not into drama” in their bios? They don’t want someone who will call them out on their bullshit? Who demands to be treated like a human being?

It’s just that… I think I’ve always been subconsciously aware that in the future, when I’m older, when it comes time for me to take relationships more seriously, to maybe start a family, I’ll probably seek out women. Because that’ll be easier. On my family and on myself. I guess I’m focused on guys at this point in my life because I know any relationship that begins now or in the next few years most likely won’t be permanent.

This needs to be talked about more!!

I hate that prejudice is a factor when it comes to my love life. I hate that it makes it seem like I see women as a second choice or a backup plan or a consolation prize when I could very well meet a girl one day who makes me redefine love. I want to be free. I don’t want to consider what people will think of me when it comes to what I want. But that’s not life. At least, not for me, not at this point in time. I hope eventually I find the courage to follow my heart when I need to, wherever it takes me.

“Saleem can’t fix me. You can’t fix me. Even I can’t fix me. Completely. But I can try damn hard. And I’d be lying if I said Saleem doesn’t make me try harder.”

🥺

“What is it?” “You feel like home. When I’m with you, I’m home. Your chest is where my head belongs, and your arms are where the rest of me belongs.”