More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
“I-I have PTSD.”
These three men fill all those empty, broken pieces of me, making me whole. Cyrus’s strength. Bray’s laughter. Asher’s hopes.
Nothing will turn them away. Once Crew, always Crew.
That’s what family is. They help you hold the burden of your pain, even as they experience the light with you. It’s about trust, about give and take. You can’t always be happy, that’s not real life. Family is a dirty, bloody mess, and I fucking love it.
I didn’t want to. I was so exhausted and lonely, so fucking tired of fighting my own head, but I managed to climb back down.”
“None of it was your fault,” Bray tells me, his eyes catching mine to ensure I understand him. “It’s his fault. Don’t you dare carry that weight. You did nothing wrong, Blair, and if I have to, I’ll tell you that every single day for the rest of our lives.”
“No one will ever hurt you again, Blair. You are home.”
We can’t change the past; we can only help her with her future.
I thought we shared trauma, and I was right, but hers... I could hear the scars on her heart as she talked. I don’t know how she kept that all in, but I am beyond astounded by her strength, beauty, and inner light despite it all.
I wake up expecting it to be awkward, but it’s not. They are here, like they promised, holding me tight and protecting me, fighting off my demons for me. There’s no judgement, only love—as much as that scares me. They claimed me as Crew, they promised to protect my heart and body, and now they are willing to fight my nightmares for me.
but I’m okay today. Amazing actually, like I can finally breathe with that off my chest, but under it all... there’s a feeling, a bad feeling, like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Cyrus winces, then he explains, “When you first moved in, he wanted to plan for your periods in case you ever needed anything—oh fuck.” He groans and closes his eyes as Bray skids back into the room with, yep, an actual bag with a skull on the front labelled ‘Period Rescue.’
“There.” He nods, his expression serious. “What else did the internet say—ah, chocolate!”
“I’d kill everyone in this fucking world for you,” I admit. “Anyone or anything, just to see that smile, just for you to sleep through the night again without bad dreams.”
“There is nothing we wouldn’t do,” Asher adds. “No law could stop us.”
“You fought so hard to stay alive, don’t give that up now.”
I have been living in the grey, almost killing myself to forget, yet when it happened, all I wanted to do was survive. How could I forget that? I’ve spent so long killing myself slowly when under it all, I just wanted to live and be free of the pain.
“And thank you for telling me, for trusting me with that. I’m so sorry, Blair, I really am. So fucking sorry.”
But loving someone means that you love every part of them, even when it scares you. To ask her not to do this would be like asking her to change who she is, and I refuse to do that.
“Blood in, blood out. Family isn’t always blood, but who you are willing to spill blood for.”
“I knew it!” I screech and laugh. “I knew you wanted to ride more than their bikes.”
don’t you dare apologise for doing what you needed to do to stop your mind from fracturing.
“But sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes you can have everything in the world and still feel so empty and alone. I do sometimes. I shouldn’t but I do.”
“I take a deep breath and look at my life. I remind myself of everything I did to get here. I remind myself that I have people who love me, even if she never did. I remind myself this is my life now, and I can make it whatever I want. The future isn’t set in stone, it’s what I make it. If I’m not happy? I can change it, it’s that simple. And those who stay with you, they are the ones you need in your life. I’m not saying life is easy, Blair, and that we don’t make mistakes. I’m not saying living is easy, because it’s not. It’s fucking hard. “Sometimes just getting up in the morning and living
...more
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
“Even if, one day, it does fall apart, at least we tried, at least we had it.
“Pull away if you need to cry, scream, or whatever you need to do to survive, but remember, there’s always a tomorrow if you fight hard enough. Fight for us, Blair. For you.”
“Use that anger. This world isn’t going to give you anything, baby girl. You can walk through life thinking it owes you shit, but it doesn’t. You take what you want, and you fight for it with everything you have. So fight, Blair.”
“More to stay for, even when it’s hard. This is my safe space, the one place I go to get away from everything, and now it’s yours too, like everything I have and own. I just hope it brings you the same peace it brings me, especially with you here in my arms, knowing you’re safe and okay.”
Maybe life truly never throws anything at you that you can’t handle, even when it seems impossible, so you’ll end up where you’re supposed to be.
“I think I love you,”
“But I love you, Blair. Every wild, sarcastic, perfect scarred inch of you.” “Don’t love me,” she whispers. “Too late, babe.” I lean down and kiss her. “I’ll break your heart,” she whimpers with tears in her eyes. Her gaze speaks volumes, telling me that although she doesn’t want to, she loves me too. “It’s yours to break,” I vow.
I hope she stays, and that one day, she says she loves me too.
Why am I never enough?
Bray is sensitive in a way no one but us and Blair understands. He feels so deeply, and that’s why he keeps his heart locked away.
“That we are all just humans trying to survive, Blair, and if you’re lucky enough to find someone to stand at your side and gain a slice of happiness with them, then nothing else matters. You could worry about the what-ifs until your face is blue, but the truth is you will never know unless you try, and those what-ifs usually don’t end up happening.
“I’m scared,” I confess ashamedly. “Who the hell isn’t?” She laughs. “But what you have to ask yourself is this: do I fear the thing more than the fear of never doing it? Not everything will work out, but those are the things that teach you what being alive is about. You can’t control the future, Blair, and you can’t control how you feel. The fact you are worried about ruining their lives shows exactly that. You won’t do it because you clearly love them enough not to. Have a little faith and hope. You’ve survived this long, and so have they. You are stronger together than apart.”
Stronger together than apart.
Love is all-consuming. When you’re in it, it’s a beautifully imperfect high.
Of being so connected to another person, they see you in your darkest and brightest times.
“It doesn’t matter what happens, I have to go back. I’d rather be with them for a short time and be truly alive and happy than be without them and live a long, sad, boring life. They are worth the risk; they are worth the pain.”
I can’t keep running, it won’t fix my problem. That’s what I’ve been doing for so long. I run from my memories, from my past, from people’s love.
It’s over, and it’s time to start the rest of our lives. Together.
“I love you forever, even when you steal all the covers.”
“I’m fine, I just... Fuck, I don’t know, Faye. I’m not fine, but I don’t know why. It’s so stupid!”
“Babe, did you ever consider that you have been in survival mode all this time? Since the first incident happened, you haven’t stopped, haven’t let yourself just... feel, grieve, or allow your emotions out. Maybe now that you know it’s over for sure, they are all coming to the surface, and since you held them back for so long, they are powerful. You need to break to be put back together, and then move on, otherwise you’ll never get any better. You’ll never truly let go of what happened, and you need to. You need to accept it, talk about it, be sad, be angry, be fucking terrified if you need
...more
“Confused? Everything? Not surprising. Healing isn’t a straight line, babe, but it starts here. Talk to me, we can do it together, and when you’re ready, they will listen too. They will do anything for you, and you for them. You survived, Blair, you all did. You are okay.”
I’ll never be the same girl as I was before, but that’s okay. I’ve survived a lot, I’ve lost a lot, but I’ve also gained a lot, and now it’s time to finally live again.
Everyone has secrets behind closed doors, little fantasies they would never let anyone know about, or a dirty stolen moment. I’m just choosing to display mine and live my desires instead of being afraid of them.
As long as you can live with yourself, as long as you can look back on your life and say that you were truly happy, that you did everything you wanted to and lived with no regrets, then who cares? Will it matter a month from now? A year? Two? Twenty? No, people will forget, but we will still be us.
and if I continue to hold onto this hate, I’m not starting fresh like I want to. I can’t hold onto the past and move forward. I can’t hold onto hate and be so deeply in love without it tarnishing it.
