The Gap and The Gain: The High Achievers' Guide to Happiness, Confidence, and Success

by Dan Sullivan

I’m not blaming all American unhappiness on one of America’s most important founding fathers. But ideas can create culture, and culture is perhaps the most powerful force shaping human identity and decision-making.

By embracing the pursuit of happiness, we rob ourselves of happiness in the here and now. We fail to appreciate who we are and what we’ve done to this point.

When your happiness is tied to something in the future, then your present is diminished. You don’t feel happy, confident, or successful. But maybe in the future you will be, or so the logic goes.

When you’re chasing happiness externally, it’s because you’re disconnected internally. And when you’re disconnected internally, then you’re trying to fill a GAP.

“Your future growth and progress are now based in your understanding about the difference between the two ways in which you can measure yourself: against an ideal, which puts you in what I call ‘the GAP,’ and against your starting point, which puts you in ‘the GAIN,’ appreciating all that you’ve accomplished.”

High achievers are particularly prone to being in the GAP. For instance, research shows that CEOs are twice as likely to have depression than the general public.4 Entrepreneurs are prone to substance abuse, as well as depression and suicide.5 Even after some massive victory, their mind quickly goes to the next unreached achievement.

I'm frequently guilty of this; always thinking about the next win more than the most recent one.

Maybe you too, like Thomas Jefferson and Edward, have continually reserved “happiness” and “success” for your future, but never your present. If so, you will never “find” happiness.

the GAP-mindset eventually stops growth altogether.

It’s human nature to be in the GAP. The GAIN is the antidote.

The GAIN gets you out of the GAP.

“The Start is where you were 90 days ago. “The Achieved is what you’ve actually achieved over the past 90 days. “The Ideal is where you wish you were. “You have an ideal in your mind, and you’re measuring yourself against your ideal, rather than against the actual progress you’ve made. This is why you’re unhappy with what you’ve done, and it’s probably why you’re unhappy with everything in your life. “You’re measuring yourself in the GAP.”

You’re in the GAP every time you measure yourself or your situation against an ideal.

In every circumstance you’re in, you’re either in the GAP or the GAIN, but you can’t be in both at once.

The GAP makes you a tyrant. All you can see is where others aren’t measuring up.

I have such high expectations for myself that I can focus on how others aren't measuring up, just like I do to myself.

Psychology has a term for this moving horizon, hedonic adaptation.

The reason the hedonic treadmill exists is because people aren’t taught how to be happy. Ideals are meant to provide direction, motivation, and meaning to our lives. They are not the measuring stick.

Maybe he didn’t get the memo that God is in the GAIN, not the GAP.

Being in the GAIN means you measure yourself backward, against where you were before. You measure your own progress. You don’t compare yourself to something external. You don’t measure yourself against your ideals.

Always measure backward. Always compare yourself to where you were yesterday, not to someone else today.

As performance coach Tim Grover has said, “Winners don’t have a to-do list. They have a ‘done’ list.”

what you’ll soon find is that any experience can be transformed into a GAIN.

Everything in life happens FOR you, not TO you. Nothing can stop you so long as you transform every experience into a GAIN.

When you’re in the GAIN, you become unstoppable.

Yet, the more you’re in the GAIN, the less you compare, compete, or even care what other people think about you.

Happiness is not something you pursue. Happiness is not somewhere in the future. Decades of scientific research is clear on this point: happiness is where you start, not where you finish.

Needing anything outside of yourself is a form of being in the GAP. When you’re in the GAP, your happiness is tied to something outside of yourself, a moving and unreachable target.

When you’re driven by need, rather than want, you have an urgency and desperation to fulfill that need. The problem is that “needs” are unresolved internal pain, not something you can solve externally.

But when you’re in the GAP, you avoid looking inside. You avoid facing the truth that you’re miserable. Instead, you continually search and seek outwardly to fill the GAP inside.

Happiness is a byproduct of realizing that you are the destination. You are enough and you have enough.

Start by grabbing a piece of paper and answering the following questions: What do you feel you “need” in order to be happy? Who or what do you measure yourself against? When is a time in your life where you made something or someone into a “need,” and thus created an unhealthy GAP in your life?

Putting yourself in the GAP is not how you reach your highest level. Having an unhealthy “need” or “obsession” is not how you reach your highest level.

“I think you can have both.” What he meant by “both” is: Having an intense commitment to succeed, and Having a healthy detachment from what you’re doing

“This transformation, moving from needing to wanting, is a capability. The more you do it, the better you get at it.

Being in the GAP is driven by an unhealthy “need.” Being in the GAIN is driven by a healthy and chosen “want.” Psychologists have separated needs and wants into two core types of passion: obsessive and harmonious.13

Harmonious passion, on the other hand, is intrinsically motivated and healthy.

You can know a passion is harmonious if it enhances the other key aspects of your life, and if it makes you better as a person. Harmonious passion is related to being in a flow state.18 Being in a flow state stems from intrinsic motivation—a core aspect of harmonious passion—where you’re performing for the sake of the passion, rather than as a means to an end.

you can want something and be 100% committed to that thing without needing it. This is the counterintuitive reality: by no longer needing what you want, you are actually far more enabled to get it. You can freely perform and be in the flow, rather than obsessing over how it will turn out.

Many high achievers have a hard time being “here.” And although it’s great to have goals and vision and be driven, you’re in the GAP if you’re “here” but wishing you were “there.”

Pull out your journal and answer the following questions: Are there any areas in your life where you have obsessive passion? If so, what unresolved internal need are you trying to fill? What about your life and work do you love? What is your long game? When you’re playing the long game, you’re doing what you love. You’re not doing something just to get somewhere else. Do you have a long enough time table to truly slow down and enjoy being here, or are you trying to quickly get “there”? Look at your life right now—what are all the GAINS you can think of? How would your priorities change if you were playing the long game?

being in the GAP means you’re still trying to free yourself FROM something. You’re trying to fill a GAP. The GAIN gives you freedom. You must choose to be freed from the GAP. That’s the first step we’re inviting you to take in this book. Free yourself FROM the GAP. Free yourself from lack or need.

In any domain or situation, “success” is always measured against a particular reference point. Being fixated on outside reference points puts you in the GAP. Being directed by your own internal reference points strengthens being in the GAIN.

What are the reference points you measure yourself against? Why did you choose those particular reference points? How do you define and measure success for yourself?

Being self-determined means that you’ve made yourself the reference point, rather than measuring yourself against something external.

we now have technology that is literally designed to addict and control us.6 Social media is largely designed to put people into the GAP. It’s designed to create unhealthy needs around being accepted and “liked.”

Social media is articulately designed to subconsciously manipulate people’s identity, their desires, and their behaviors. Put more directly, social media is designed to stop people from becoming self-determined.

It’s the gradual, slight, imperceptible change in your own behavior and perception that is the product. And that is the product. That’s the only possible product. There is nothing else on the table that could possibly be called the product.

Billions of dollars are spent every day to manipulate and change your thoughts, desires, and behaviors. The reference points for your own success are being created for you, not by you.

Your happiness as a person is dependent on what you measure yourself against. The antidote to being in the GAP is to measure yourself by the GAIN. More specifically, you measure your own GAINS, rather than worrying about other people.

Are the reference points you measure yourself against external or internal? How often do you compare yourself to others? How much time do you spend on social media? Are you self-determined and free?

Spend 20 to 30 minutes with no distractions writing down your answer to this question: “I know I’m being successful when

Here are Lee’s six filtering questions, which also act as his personal success criteria: Is this opportunity, person, expense, adventure, experience, relationship, commitment, etc., aligned with my values? (If the answer to this first question is “No,” then Lee doesn’t proceed to ask himself the remaining five questions. If, however, the answer to this first question is “Yes,” then he continues his filtering process.) Will this opportunity, etc., take advantage of my unique ability and make me even stronger? Will it lengthen my stride? How will this opportunity, etc., benefit mankind? Is there a bigger cause or purpose that will benefit society? Does this make sense financially? Is this transactional or transformational? In other words, is this a stand-alone opportunity or a gateway opportunity? If I say “Yes” to this opportunity, what then must I say “No” to?