The Gap and The Gain: The High Achievers' Guide to Happiness, Confidence, and Success

by Dan Sullivan

“The way to measure your progress is backward against where you started, not against your ideal.”

What Jefferson didn’t realize is, with that single statement in the Declaration of Independence, he framed the experience of “Happiness” as unattainable. That notion would go on to shape the culture of America. By saying happiness is something we’re pursuing, the direct implication is that we don’t have it now.

When your happiness is tied to something in the future, then your present is diminished. You don’t feel happy, confident, or successful. But maybe in the future you will be, or so the logic goes.

When you’re chasing happiness externally, it’s because you’re disconnected internally. And when you’re disconnected internally, then you’re trying to fill a GAP. Are you in the GAP?

“Your future growth and progress are now based in your understanding about the difference between the two ways in which you can measure yourself: against an ideal, which puts you in what I call ‘the GAP,’ and against your starting point, which puts you in ‘the GAIN,’ appreciating all that you’ve accomplished.”

It’s human nature to be in the GAP. The GAIN is the antidote. The GAIN creates immediate happiness. The GAIN connects you to yourself and your own progress. The GAIN transforms everything. The GAIN gives you power over the direction in your life. The GAIN gets you out of the GAP.

For instance, you may be on your way to a concert with your spouse that you’ve been anticipating, but you’re running five minutes late. If you’re focused on and frustrated about those five minutes, then you’re in the GAP. You’re measuring yourself against your ideal. You’re not actually living in the moment. All you have to do is shift to the GAIN and focus on the fact that you’re having an exciting night. The whole night is a GAIN. If you focus on the GAIN, you’ll be happy.

In every circumstance you’re in, you’re either in the GAP or the GAIN, but you can’t be in both at once.

hedonic adaptation. It’s the tendency of humans to quickly adapt to where they are and what they’ve got. It leads to never being satisfied, and to constantly seeking the next thing.

Ideals are meant to provide direction, motivation, and meaning to our lives. They are not the measuring stick.

“I don’t think we set and achieve goals in an effort to become happy. We do it because we are happy and want to expand our happiness.”

Being in the GAIN means you measure yourself backward, against where you were before. You measure your own progress. You don’t compare yourself to something external. You don’t measure yourself against your ideals.

“I’ve discovered that when something very emotional happens to me, it stays with me until I’ve converted it into lessons. Before I knew this was the case, I could become paralyzed by negative experiences for long periods of time.”

When you’re in the GAP about someone else, all you see is where they’re not measuring up. You only see their flaws. You don’t see their GAINS or growth.

Decades of scientific research is clear on this point: happiness is where you start, not where you finish.

research shows that people in high-stakes situations make the best choices when in a state of gratitude.

“The future isn’t a reality—it’s a projection. And because it’s not reality, it can’t be part of any real measurement of your progress. The only way to measure goals is backward, against the past. Use the reality of where you currently are and measure backward from there to the reality of where you started.”

Needing anything outside of yourself is a form of being in the GAP.

When you’re in the GAP, you have an unhealthy attachment to something external.

The problem is that “needs” are unresolved internal pain, not something you can solve externally.

There’s a common perception that in order to be the best at what you do, you’ve got to be completely obsessed with what you’re doing. You’ve got to “NEED” your passion with every fiber of your being. Essentially, you’ve got to be unhealthy about whatever it is if you want to truly be great at it.

“I think you can have both.” What he meant by “both” is: Having an intense commitment to succeed, and Having a healthy detachment from what you’re doing

you can be 100% committed to something and simultaneously not need it.

The moment you become obsessive or attached to something, you’re in the GAP.

If you have the need to be “right” in an argument, then you’re in the GAP. If something doesn’t go how you planned and you’re upset, you’re in the GAP. You’re measuring your experience or situation against how you ideally imagined it was “supposed” to be, rather than learning from the experience and being happy regardless. Research shows that obsessive passion stops you from being mindful.

If you’re obsessively passionate, you’re thinking short-term. You’re trying to force things to go your way. But you don’t truly want whatever it is you’re seeking. You just think you need it because you’re unresolved internally. Whether you get what you want or not, sooner or later you’ll shift that unhealthy need onto something else—the hedonic treadmill will continue.

When you’re in the GAP, you’re desperate to get “there,” because you’re trying to escape being here. You’re bouncing around, rather than getting real and getting traction. When you’re in the GAP, you aren’t thinking long-term. You’re impulsively trying to fill an unresolved “need.”

Conversely, when you’re in the GAIN, you no longer need to be “there.” This doesn’t mean you don’t have huge goals. It simply means you’re fully “here.” You’re where you want to be. You’re playing a long game, which means you LOVE where you’re at now, and you love where you’re going.

The GAP makes you a slave to “there” and makes “here” a prison you’re trying to escape from.

Being self-determined means that you’ve made yourself the reference point, rather than measuring yourself against something external.

“Your input determines your outlook. Your outlook determines your output, and your output determines your future.”

“Before you start the process with a new goal, make sure to recognize and appreciate the progress and achievements you’ve made so far.”

There’s a quiet confidence that comes from running your own race, from no longer measuring or comparing yourself to others. The philosopher Seneca called it euthymia, which means “That you’re on the right path and not led astray by the many tracks which cross yours of people who are hopelessly lost.”

your interpretation of events, despite their objective characteristics, determines the impact of stress and illness on your body.

You could be going through a challenging and even stressful experience, but your body can positively handle that experience because you’re framing it as a GAIN. No one’s life is without serious problems, but you still have a choice on how you see them. Take, for example, my friend Jeff, who recently got divorced. He was not expecting that divorce at all. He was 100 percent committed to his wife and loved her with his whole soul. But she decided she wanted a different lifestyle, one that went fundamentally against the belief and value system they had previously shared. Jeff spent nearly 18 months trying to change his wife’s mind, but it was set. It became clear divorce was the only answer. Jeff wanted to maintain a positive relationship with his now ex-wife. In order to do so, he had to be intentional about how he framed her specifically and how he framed their past relationship as a whole. It became clear to Jeff that his wife had gone through a great deal of emotional trauma and confusion leading up to the divorce, which led to her radical shift in beliefs and personality. Rather than being mad at her for these changes, Jeff decided to have compassion. He could see that she was dealing with serious psychological problems. He didn’t blame her for that. He didn’t blame himself either. He also wasn’t mad at himself for how things turned out. He believed he truly did everything in his power to save his marriage, and that in the end, he couldn’t control his wife’s shift in bel...

the “normal life” you’re now living may be the dreams—or even beyond the dreams—of your former self.

My experience is what I agree to attend to.”34 Your experience is what you choose to focus on.

the good things in people’s lives happen because of what they do during their “valleys,” whereas the bad things in people’s lives happen because of what they do during their “peaks.”16

“Trust me when I say that one day it’s going to hit you—that you woke up happy, that you’re smiling for no reason, that your hands aren’t shaking anymore. One day, you’re going to remember what it was like to be you a year ago, or three years ago, or even a week ago, and you’re going to be so glad that you fought. You’re going to be so glad that you kept going.” —Bianca Sparacino, Popular blogger