Really Good, Actually

by Monica Heisey

I stayed on the floor until mid-afternoon.

post-breakup rotting days… i know it all too well

It is horrible to be sad in the summer.

watch instagram stories anonymous

not the instagram profile viewer 😭

bill hader divorce bill hader wearing t-shirt bill hader warm laugh

jason segal is my bill hader

That first month alone passed in a haze. A typical day involved waking up after one, then lying in bed joylessly masturbating while The Last Five Years soundtrack (original off-Broadway cast recording) played in the background.

did this woman somehow go into the future and watch me all of november

Clive and I split a bag of jagged low-calorie chips and toasted the beginning of my “ho phase,” though my lip started to quiver as our glasses clinked, forcing him to walk it back and remind me that every ho must take things at a pace that works for her.

did she somehow time travel and watch me for the month of february?

“Last week he made me a playlist. He keeps asking if I’ve listened to it, but to me, that is where I draw the line.” “At listening to the playlist.” “Yes,” she said gravely. “Who knows what could be on there?”

no more pre-marital spotify playlist sharing

I told Amirah my ideal situation (to the extent that any of this could be considered ideal) would be for everyone to know about the divorce without my having to tell them, and for me to lie in some kind of hyperbaric de-stressing chamber until I was ready to reenter society.

Most days, after a few hours of carefully scrutinizing plays from the 1500s that were unpopular even then, I’d reward and/or punish myself by looking at Jon’s various social media profiles.

it gets really bad when you start checking their public records. really hoping he gets a dui charge one day

As soon as we could, Amirah and Lauren and I moved in together, watching reality television and getting briefly into day-weed and never ever cleaning the bathroom.

i miss living with blythey

“Sorry, but he can’t get mad at you for being bitchy. He married you knowing you’re a bitch. It would be so unfair to divorce you over it.

I wish I didn’t think that. I’m working on not thinking that.

i have said this exact thing too many times

“Oh, babe, do not worry,” she said. “People feel very bad for you.”

Deciding your ex was a villain seemed like an easier way to go through a breakup. I flip-flopped hourly between hating Jon and wanting to go easy on him.

there’s things i want to say to you, but i’ll just let you live.

I thought about Jon dying one day, an old man with millions of newly accumulated experiences, none of which would have anything to do with me, darkly sweet death prank long forgotten.

oh! never thought of this before! hahahahaha!

Would he think of me when he chopped garlic, at least?

i bet you think about me…

I told Amy everything I posted online felt like a PR exercise, like I was trying to broadcast to friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and a few friends’ dogs that I was doing well, possibly even thriving.

I swiped on tall women and short men, women with nose rings and men with tattoos, men in large, anonymous groups or standing alone on top of mountains, gesturing vaguely to the outdoors like, get a load of this.

The desire to cut and bleach my hair was extremely strong and getting stronger by the day.

oh no girl

While he was here, Jon updated Janet’s account with us and removed your contact info and status as primary caregiver.

holy fuck no

At the very least, wasn’t the cat conversation fucking ongoing?

no but so right

How lucky, I thought, to have access to such a generous model on which to base my way of thinking. How sad, that her words meant nothing to me, that I was filled instead with a white-hot rage that would not be sated until I had won this divorce and reduced the man who hurt me to rubble, razed his cities to the ground and salted the earth so nothing would ever grow there. Merris had been correct in every way, but that was not the way we would proceed.

GET HIS ASS!!!!

This was a man who would promise to love you and lie about it. This was a man who would steal your cat. I got drunk and had sex with Calvin.

YEESSSSSS

I was fucking lovable, actually. I was fine.

“No adult starts a hobby from a good place.”