Beard in Hiding (Winston Brothers, #4.5)

by Penny Reid

It had been a valuable lesson: the only kind of loneliness worse than being alone was being with someone who felt more for me than I did for her.

This is a special occasion, Jason. You’re dining on champagne pussy tonight.

I hadn’t even begun and I already knew once would not be enough. She wanted orgasms? I’d give her ten. Twenty. I’d make up for a lifetime without. I no longer minded that I was on my knees. She deserved adoration. Her body deserved to be worshipped.

“Open your eyes,” I said, fighting to give sound to my voice. I didn’t want to talk, but I did want her to see me. I wanted her to watch me. I never wanted her to forget who’d made her feel this way.

Everyone deserves a breakdown when their world is breaking down.

I wasn’t stalking her. I was following her. From a distance. Making sure she was okay. Keeping eyes on her. Just in case. Not stalking.

“There is a time in our lives, usually in mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision - possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life - and that is, whether to be bitter or not.” CLARISSA PINKOLA ESTÉS, WOMEN WHO RUN WITH THE WOLVES: MYTHS AND STORIES OF THE WILD WOMAN ARCHETYPE

But I also knew he made love soft and slow. And then he made love hard and fast. And then he took requests afterward for one or the other.

By the end of his speech I was panting. And incredibly turned on. I wondered if anyone in the history of the world had ever been as turned on as I was right that minute. Probably not.

“Midlife: when the Universe grabs your shoulders and tells you, ‘I’m not f-ing around, use the gifts you were given.’” DR. BRENÉ BROWN

“Another belief of mine: that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.” MARGARET ATWOOD, CAT'S EYE

You will not be having sex with that man tonight, so cool your britches.

“Grown-ups don't look like grown-ups on the inside either. Outside, they're big and thoughtless and they always know what they're doing. Inside, they look just like they always have. Like they did when they were your age. Truth is, there aren't any grown-ups. Not one, in the whole wide world.” NEIL GAIMAN, THE OCEAN AT THE END OF THE LANE

“I guess that settles it.” His voice deepened and he gave me a single nod. “You show me movies, and I’ll show you the world.” I held a finger up. “Don’t say it unless you mean it.” “I don’t say anything I don’t mean.”

Whereas new Diane wanted to give her a high five and take notes on how to not give a cold crap in hell what other people thought.

“It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.”

I wonder if I can DoorDash a Long Island iced tea?

“Some men only respond to the threat of a stronger man. I know that. I’ve seen it in action before now, with my own father. I grew up with it, but it’s been a while. Even I find it hard to accept that those people actually exist and aren’t something out of a distant past.”

I needed to stand up. One cannot simply sit still while one is overwhelmed by reciprocated feelings.

He chuckled. The deep, rich, rumbly sound vibrating in my bones. “Oh now, I’m not sure I should say what’s on my mind.” Fireworks bursting in my heart, I muted my side of the call and squeed, doing a ridiculous dance in my office.

I giggled. Just full on giggled. Like a giggling giggler.

“Raise your voice until you are heard. Look however you want, be whoever you want, and demand people pay attention to you. Stop taking what you’re given, and demand the space in life you want.” K.F. BREENE, MAGICAL MIDLIFE MADNESS

“When we find ourselves in a midlife depression, suddenly hate our spouse, our jobs, our lives – we can be sure that the unlived life is seeking our attention.” ROBERT A JOHNSON

But what makes me so angry I can barely breathe is that I say no, and he doesn’t listen. I say no, and I’m not believed. It makes me want to learn karate or some other martial art so I can kick butt, and I hate it. I don’t want to have to know how to kick butt. I want people to listen to me, to my words, I want them to mean something. Why can’t a woman’s words count for more than a man’s violence?”

“You don’t think staying committed in a marriage is noble?” I could see he wanted to lighten the mood, but I wanted him to know where I stood. I told the truth. “No. Not always. Not if one party is shouldering all the burden, not if both people aren’t striving to be worthy of that commitment, and especially not when one of those people is a sociopath. Staying in a marriage like that isn’t noble, it’s spiritual suicide. And I don’t think Saint Peter would take kindly to me knocking on the pearly gates without my spirit.”

I thought about this moment, and all the moments that had come before, and how much I’d treasure them no matter what happened between us next. For once, the silence didn’t make me squirm or fret, probably because I dreaded the end of it.

Folks enjoy making claims about knowing exactly what they’d do in every situation, but the truth is, until it’s staring you in the face and it’s your situation, you don’t know a damn thing.

“Now, I’d like to pretend for a bit longer to be upset, if you don’t mind.”

“If I forgive you now, then it sets a bad precedent for the future. Therefore, I’m going to need to see some groveling, including time spent on your knees.”

“For however long this lasts . . .” Jason bent to me, slid his nose slowly against mine, teased my lips with his, “I want to belong to you.”

Square jaws and thick hair and expressive eyes don’t make a man. Thoughts and actions make a man, specifically the ability to take action and a willingness to think. And, I supposed, that’s what made a woman too.

“We'll never be as young as we are tonight.” CHUCK PALAHNIUK, RANT

I didn’t have a single concern about what he did, how he touched me. I trusted him. There is no conquering what has been freely given.

“Here’s one: what is the difference between a welder and a comedian?” “What?” Jenn, Beau, and I asked in unison. She lifted an eyebrow and deadpanned, “A comedian tells jokes.”

My burdens had lessened because this strong, sweet, capable young man was willing to share them temporarily.

Because if or when I faced demons, he was the one I wanted at my side.

“At an early age I learned that people make mistakes, and you have to decide if their mistakes are bigger than your love for them.” ANGIE THOMAS, THE HATE U GIVE

I leaned my elbows on my knees, my face in my hands, and shook my head. Sons and fathers. I’d never had one. Isaac had wanted his father dead. What a fucked-up world for little boys like us.

Because she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is so much light, she blinds me. And I love her. I need her more than I need to breathe.”

I thought perhaps I’d make an attempt at normalcy and bake something, but I couldn’t find the sugar. I needed sugar to bake something. Unable to locate the sugar, I began to cry.

My baby was here, talking to me, hugging me. If this was a dream, I never wanted to wake from it.

I know, I know, mothers are weird. But we can’t just stop wanting to nurture and fuss over our chickens simply because they’ve hatched.

“It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.” VOLTAIRE, THE AGE OF LOUIS XIV

“People who long for their youth, for a simpler time, are really just longing for an existence of blissful ignorance, where other people’s struggles and suffering are conveniently kept quiet so as not to ruin their good time, or their ability to sleep at night. No such time has existed for me.”

But kids trusting the wrong adults didn’t deserve nasty consequences. They deserved protection and patience.

“You know, I don’t believe that a bad man can be with a good woman and not want to change for the better.”

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.” MARK TWAIN

Nothing is quite the same as a hug from your child; it’s like being wrapped in contentment and happiness.

“We don't see people as they are. We see people as we are.” ANAÏS NIN, LITTLE BIRDS

Time was short, but right this minute my woman needed comfort. I held her.