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“But-for is the same trap as what-if. You drive yourself crazy with possibilities. There’s only one cause, and it’s the carjackers. They did it. It’s their fault.”
Not for homecoming. Forever and ever.
“I’ll come back to that in a moment. First, we have identified your daughter’s murderer as one John Milo.”
My daughter surrounded us, but was absent. It was a family room without the family.
“Both men were members of the George Veria Organization, or GVO, a dangerous criminal network that distributes and sells OxyContin, fentanyl, and other opiates in central and southeastern Pennsylvania.”
It reminds me of the sun in Rome. Al, you’ve never been to Rome. I can imagine it. You can imagine Rome? Can’t you, Dad?
Deep inside me was the most profound sorrow I had ever known, one that had unpacked, settled in, and taken up residence. I felt the mute agony of loss, my heart so heavy it weighed on my lungs, making it hard to breathe. I didn’t feel entitled to, when Allison could not.
We passed a big green sign for the Port of Wilmington, heading south on I-95.
Wilmington DE...same day i traveled north i95 to Wilmington NC
I was alone, on the edge between land and sea, earth and heaven, life and death.
Suddenly a magnificent blue heron flew overhead, flapping its angular wings, leading with its long neck, graceful and strong, the hue of heaven itself. Tears came to my eyes. I took the heron as a sign. It resonated within me. It felt like Allison’s soul, beautiful, strong, and proud, set free, taking flight.
couldn’t be the center anymore. I couldn’t hold another second. I fell to my knees in the coarse sand. And I cried and cried, for my beloved baby girl.
Marriage was reading each other’s minds, but knowing what had to remain unsaid.
“The people you love, like Pop and Allison, even the pets you love, like Max and Wendy, they never leave you, not as long as you love them. You’ll always have them as long as you love them. And you’ll love them forever. That’s what lasts forever. The love.”
It was important to go on, but impossible to go on.
My chest felt full and tight, both at once. My heart was broken, but broken open. I hurt so much, but I felt so much, too. I felt everything more than I had before. I gave myself over—to what, I didn’t know. To whatever happened next.
He said, ‘Decide what you want and do what gets it.’ ” Dom nodded. “Nothing else matters. No rules, no laws. Not what you should want. Not being right. Not your pride.”
glanced at the dashboard clock. “Think we’ll make it back in time for the press conference?” “I don’t care. They’re all the same. Blah-blah-blah joint effort law enforcement God country apple pie.”
I took her gently into my arms, and I held her against my chest while she began to cry. I rocked her back and forth, feeling the tears in my eyes and the love in my heart and the grief we shared, the two of us standing between the land and the water, clinging to each other under the moon.
