Into the Dark

by Dana Isaly

“It’s probably because I have zero self-worth and because my parents were divorced when I was five. I’m ugly, I stumble over my words, I’m too scared to go anywhere new because of my crippling anxiety, and I don’t understand why anyone would want to associate themselves with me. And it’s so, so easy to leave. So when someone shows any interest in me, I cling to it like a life preserver. Their attention keeps me afloat. It keeps me out of the darkest corners of my mind where I love to retreat when everything gets too hard.”

“Because if you’re going to love me, I need you to love me with every single fiber of your being,” My head swivels and looks back on her. “I want someone’s full and unyielding attention. I want someone to look at me and only me. That way I know that person will never leave me.” “That’s not love, Lyra. That’s an obsession. Love is forgiving and always evolving. There’s room to grow and change where there’s love. But with obsession, it can only go one way. Obsession will consume you in a way that you can’t come back from.” “Then I want obsession.”

“Your obsessive personality makes you blind to anything but what’s in front of you, Lyra. You grasp onto that one person like they’re your beginning and your end. Like they’re the answer to everything you could ever ask of them.”

“Want to go to dinner with me?” Her smile broadens, but she keeps her eyes trained on the ground. “Yeah,” she answers, still looking at the ground. “Are you saying yes to the sidewalk or to me? I mean, you can go on a date with a slab of cement if you want, but I might be a bit more interesting to look at.”

That’s what I feel like. I feel like a neglected houseplant that just needs some fucking water.”

“But that doesn’t help me. Knowing that other people do this but just not to the extreme I do doesn’t make me feel any better.” I’m getting frustrated now. Every time she compares me to the societal norm, I get inexplicably angry. I know she is just trying to show me that I’m not alone, but it makes me feel more alone than ever. I’m out in the fucking ocean with a life preserver while everyone else is on a yacht. I’m sinking while they’re floating. I swallow back the tears and turn my attention back out the window, watching the dried leaves blow across the dead grass. “I just need to find someone that will obsess over me the way I obsess over them.” “Do you think that’s really what’s healthy, though, Lyra? Is obsession healthier than love?” I look over at her and muster a smile that I know doesn’t reach my eyes. “That’s all I have to offer.”

“I don’t want to leave. And I don’t need your feelings. I need you to devour and dominate me. I need to be a part of your every waking thought. I need you to want me, not love me. Love can be broken. Love can fade. Love ends in cheating and divorces and trauma.” He blinks and looks like he wants to interrupt me but lets me carry on my rant. “Obsession doesn’t fade. Obsession dominates and controls us. It monopolizes our thoughts and our actions to the point we can’t see past it. That’s what you are to me, Elijah. You destroy anything else in my line of sight. You are it for me. Every part of my body cries out for you.”