Queen of the Tiles

by Hanna Alkaf

thoughts, and every once in a while, they swarm all over me, nipping away at my insides. Every time I start to spiral—I know something bad will happen, or This will never work, or I could have done more—Dr. Anusya says I’m supposed to stop myself, squash the ants, clean up my mess.

But it's hard to do that

The notebook is like an extension of my memory, like buying more RAM to supercharge an overworked laptop. I take it with me everywhere, making a note of anything I don’t want to forget. The last thing I want to do for this grand comeback is call attention to how broken I actually am. Carefully I write them down:

Second brain method

The thing about flying is that the scariest part isn’t soaring through the air. It’s the moment that comes right before. It’s making the decision to let yourself fall. It’s surrendering yourself

True

again. I know the relief is temporary, but grief, I’m learning, is a burden you carry your whole life, and a smart person would welcome any breaks they can get.

Okay

I didn’t know, actually. But I imagined that childhood friends were a lot like childhood toys: some grow with you, some you keep around for sentimental reasons, and some belong in the past.

True

knocked off balance. “But we’re not after

Easy to love, easy to hate. Maybe they’re both just different sides of the same coin.

Oh

I remember my conversation with Puteri and think: Love shouldn’t feel like this.

“Do you know what BRACONID means?” Puteri shoots me a look. “Seriously, Najwa?” “Okay, fine, silly question.” I take a breath. “In 2016, Brett Smitheram beat Mark Nyman to win the World Scrabble Championships. He described Mark as being one of his Scrabble idols when he was growing up. They were friends. Can you imagine what that’s like, watching a friend eclipse you, reach these amazing new heights, leaving you behind?” I pause to gather my thoughts and take in the expression of understanding dawning on Puteri’s face. “Anyway, Brett won the game with the word BRACONID, a type of parasitic wasp that leeches on another creature and prospers at their expense.” “And Trina was the braconid in this situation?”

I know how it feels