Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance

by Kelly McDaniel

the legacy of ancestral heartbreak.

Mother Hunger emerges from the intergenerational inheritance of growing up in a culture that prefers men, masculine traits, and independence while devaluing women, feminine traits, and interdependence. If

In all stages of life, untreated Mother Hunger craves a quick fix for the empty hole lurking inside.

This self-preservation strategy creates a false sense of power, upsetting the balance in any relationship.

When culture devalues relationships and connection, the anxiously attached woman gets labeled needy, clingy, or dependent as she tries to bond with others.

Adapted to deprivation, they have learned there’s a limited love supply. Their emotional intensity sometimes looks like a baby or toddler in a protest state (having a tantrum): crying, screaming, or pouting to bring someone close. Anxiously attached women may rage, pout, starve, or seek revenge when they detect abandonment, even by their daughters. Women with an anxious attachment style have the same need for autonomy as anyone else, but they don’t feel it. For them, being alone is torture and the concept of restorative solitude is unimaginable.

Too much “self-soothing” sets up a need for other auto-regulatory substitutes (sugar, alcohol, fantasy, sex) as a child grows up, because she is learning that she must meet her own needs instead of resting in the comfort of her caregiver.

Hunger and bonding are inextricably biologically linked.

Women with Mother Hunger are conflicted about eating because maternal deprivation required substitute comfort. Some avoid meals and restrict calories to feel strong, visible, or safe. Starving is one of the most basic ways to compensate for feeling helpless. Others are more inclined to overindulge, following the inner voice promising that pizza will make everything okay. Overeating and undereating are effective ways to mask internal distress and numb the void where maternal nurturance fell short.

It’s as if we are protected from knowing until we are truly ready to know. Perhaps getting angry with a father for our difficulties is easier than pointing to Mom because our culture allows us to identify men as abusive before women. Or maybe it’s even more primitive than that. Psychologically, it might be more threatening to lose a mother’s approval than a father’s. Most certainly, it’s a mix of these complicated factors.

To have her mother’s love, she sacrifices her intuition and her needs.

In adolescence and adulthood, adaptations might look like constant low-grade depression or chronic anxiety. Attention problems, hyperactivity, and perfectionism are also evidence of Mother Hunger. So are addictive habits—addictions are a form of self-soothing and a resourceful way to avoid pain. If you didn’t have adequate maternal protection, hopefully the anxiety and stress you live with makes more sense now. Protecting yourself for so many years takes a toll. Living with fear and anxiety wears down your immune system, leaving you vulnerable to physical symptoms like migraines, joint pain, bowel disorders, painful PMS, or autoimmune problems. You might be attracted to powerful people who are manipulative and perhaps dangerous. You might have addictions or compulsions.

Addiction always leads to shame, and shame interferes with the legitimate hurt that needs your care.

“At the core of every addiction is an emptiness based in abject fear.”30 Addiction is an attempt to regulate fear and despair—fear of being unlovable or alone, fear that grows without a fundamental sense of safety.

teaching her daughter to be gentle and strong, to love others without giving herself away, and to care for her female body.

A mother who knows how to rest and care for herself teaches her daughter that she is worthwhile and important.

Compliant daughters are at risk for becoming vulnerable women without healthy boundaries or self-awareness because they learned to appease their mothers.

She had little patience with your natural mistakes, because your behavior reflected her mothering ability. Her unlived life was yours to fulfill.

Replacing maternal guidance is your chance to choose women you admire and learn from them.

Healing—identifying, understanding, and remembering—can be as painful as the original abuse.

deep inside each of us is a little person who remembers the vulnerability of being totally dependent, and the idea that a mother could betray this dependency is terrifying.

emotional abuse is psychologically traumatic because it betrays a fundamental role of

parenting: it violates trust. Without the ability to trust a mother’s love, daughters have no idea how to love themselves.

Reacting to life with the mind of someone young and afraid is the legacy of abuse; not an indication of character or value.

Spanking is a shortcut, an emotional bypass from parental discomfort, anger, or helplessness.

If you were spanked as a child, you may feel disgusted by your body. It may be difficult to care for yourself (including pursuing medical care, dental care, regular exercise, and healthy nutrition) because your body has been a battleground. You

prioritizing safety over learning and communicating.

A body that is frozen hurts.

But remember: Your personality developed to survive your mother’s lack of care. It’s not your true self.

body memory that is deeper than words.

twofold process: First, you find words for the speechless terror you felt as a child. You are doing this right now. Reading this book gives you language for the disorganized heartbreak you’ve endured for so long. Second, if you haven’t done so already, it’s time to stop reaching for your mother, rest your weary soul, and grieve what is lost. In order for this to work, you need the company of someone who understands this unique pain and/or a clinician trained in and dedicated to healthy attachment. Your pain emerged from relational trauma, and it will only heal with healthy relational experiences.

You are the architect now.

allowing someone to support you is a vulnerable position to be in.

Waiting for her apology delays your ability to grieve early losses, fill in missing pieces, and start enjoying your life. Waiting might be the biggest roadblock to healing.

The fantasy of a loving mother hides behind the quest for something to fill the unnamed void.

When we don’t have a name for what hurts or a place to talk about it, the grief process freezes.

avoiding negative feelings is actually avoiding yourself. Healing comes from facing your fear, from being present with the wounded parts of you that your mother didn’t see and couldn’t tolerate. Let disenfranchised feelings wash into your soul. Face the pieces of yourself that you’ve been hiding. Wallow.

Once a safe relationship is established, trauma work might not even be necessary, because attachment healing is trauma healing.

when I miss a cue and there’s a momentary disconnection, it’s a chance for repair—a chance to model what it looks like when a caring woman takes responsibility for the well-being of the relationship.

I have found very helpful is to let go of the idea of a finish line. You don’t need this pressure. Like an apology ache, seeking closure is longing for a fantasy. Even when you use all the tools and your life starts looking up, there will be days when grief finds you again

home to yourself—but it’s really helpful when you have a village around your home.

The more your life reflects who you really are, the less you need to fill the emptiness with unhealthy behaviors or people.

You are beginning a new relationship, and like any new relationship, it’s amazing, awkward, exhilarating, confusing, and sometimes painful.

As you nurture yourself with good food, sleep, and connection with other women, you stop the intergenerational transmission of Mother Hunger. At any stage of mothering, your healing is a gift to your child—and to the world.