Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance

by Kelly McDaniel

Spend time with safe people.

Therapist Uncensored is a good one.

objective guidance

A true apology involves two things: recognition of your pain and repair efforts to mend hurtful behavior.

A trustworthy mother is aware of her power, recognizes when she causes harm, and repairs the damage.

you can heal without her involvement.

Her apology would certainly make it easier, but it’s not necessary for mending your

broken ...

Waiting might be the biggest roadblock to healing. The necessary next step is facing grief.

Grief related to Mother Hunger needs a framework that invites permission and acknowledgment for the complicated, unique ways each of us mourn the loss of maternal care. Are you grieving the mother you didn’t have? Are you grieving how much this attachment injury has impacted your life? Are you grieving lost dreams? Are you grieving broken relationships and destructive behavior? Are you grieving all of these? Disenfranchised Grief

Suffering needs soothing. Heartbreak needs belonging. These efforts help us grieve. Without public validation, however, grieving stalls.

There is no place to talk about this injury and very little public awareness.

Disenfranchised grief is so intrinsically woven into the fabric of Mother Hunger that it’s normal; frozen grief is the essence of Mother Hunger.

“Abnormal” grief, however, according to psychology experts, doesn’t move through predictable stages. It stays stuck in patterns of mourning.

Naming an apology ache helps women begin letting go of the fantasy that their mother might eventually say “I’m sorry.” It also helps women avoid transferring the apology ache to a spouse, a friend, or a grown child.

Living with Mother Hunger is like being trapped inside a cage of rage and longing.

Gilbertson sees wallowing as “(w)allowing”—allowing emotions to have room and attention.

Wallowing is a powerful way to move through difficult emotions.

Pushing them down doesn’t work; we just get depressed. Repressing them won’t work; they leak out in other ways. Denial further abandons the little girl inside us who tucked away the emotions her mother couldn’t tolerate. We a...

avoiding negative feelings is actually avoiding yourself.

Healing comes from facing your fear, from being present with the wounded parts of you that your mother didn’t see and couldn’t tolerate. Let disenfranchised feelings wash into your soul. Face the pieces of yourself that you’ve been hiding. Wallow.

Finding places to belong heals Mother Hunger.

Instead, like any other healthy boundary, a decision of this magnitude must come after careful consideration and from a place of peace.

In these moments, your heart seeks a maternal figure who knows and loves you, someone who isn’t burdened by your fears. In such moments, some of my clients find it helpful to lean into the embrace of a celestial mother.

What would your ideal mother be like?

The point here is to allow yourself permission to turn inward with a deliberate purpose: to find a celestial mother who can offer you kindness

and love. Then lean into that love.

As yo...

love will weave its way into your tissues, and in time, you may become your own inner mother, filled with a we...

a small window of time in utero before a fetus is connected to the biological mother.

Dr. Laurel Parnell, mother of Attachment-Focused EMDR.

When the body has been a battleground, disorganized attachment patterns are enduring.

The “indelible” mark is scar tissue on your heart.

Fundamentally, the treatment for this unspeakable wound must focus first on the disorganized attachment rather than the trauma,

because the broken maternal relationship is the trauma. A safe relationship with one trustworthy adult is the cure.

attachment healing is trau...

Only when you feel felt—when your body knows that someone is deeply experiencing this madness with you—can you come home to yourself.

But when I miss a cue and there’s a momentary disconnection, it’s a chance for repair—a chance to model what it looks like when a caring woman takes responsibility for the well-being of the relationship. This is good therapy in action.

When grief creeps back in, it can be discouraging. You may think it’s a sign you aren’t healing. But this isn’t true. The ongoing grief that is part of Mother Hunger is connected to what’s known as ambiguous loss.

While this wound may never feel fully healed, you will gain an inner peace as you replace lost maternal care and transform pain into purpose.

we can become shame resilient. “Shame can be transformed. And the transformation happens in connection with someone who is close and regulates our nervous system.”10

As you work to replace lost nurturance, protection, and guidance, remember that this is an ongoing process. You’re building a new brain, and like any new routine, it takes time before you feel the results.

Healing Mother Hunger brings you home—home to yourself—but it’s really helpful when you have a village around your home.

The more your life reflects who you really are, the less you need to fill the emptiness with unhealthy behaviors or people.

Replacing lost elements of maternal love improves how you love yourself and others.

I’ve found that women who heal the pain of Mother Hunger become very attentive, loving mothers.

For those of you who already have children, be encouraged; as you heal from Mother Hunger, your efforts transfer to your children.

I’d like to emphasize that each element your little one needs—nurturance, protection, and guidance—you need, too. To nurture well, you need nurturing from friends and family.

Rest assured, even with Mother Hunger, you can nurture well when you let Mother Nature be your guide.

Nature gives you what you need to bond with your baby. Unfortunately,