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And the infant brain learns from what it feels. A
Self-soothing is an advanced skill that comes later and flows naturally after bonding is secure. When
the personality and behavioral adaptations that fill in for compromised mothering happen so young that no one notices.
babies cry because this is how they communicate. Communication is central to bonding. And bonding is core to survival.
Nurturance, the most primitive human need for healthy development, requires responsive, sensitive care so that human connection feels natural and development is optimal. Nurturance and sleep training are not compatible. Isolating a baby to put her to sleep is the opposite of nurturance.
Anything that looks like self-soothing, such as thumb sucking, is purely auto-regulation, a scientific term for coping with isolation.
Too much “self-soothing” sets up a need for other auto-regulatory substitutes (sugar, alcohol, fantasy, sex) as a child grows up, because she is learning that she must meet her own needs instead of resting in the comfort of her caregiver.
There
it is—the implicit belief a child creates when maternal nurturance is inadequate: I’m not wanted. This belief becomes part of her internal, unconscious love map that will guide her life and self-image.
Little girls without maternal affection are especially vulnerable to those who might take advantage of them. They don’t recognize inappropriate touch, because it’s better than no touch.
Like food, orgasm medicates emotional starvation.
Erotic affection between girls often has little to do with sexual orientation and frequently stems from touch deprivation.
If a daughter is nurtured, protected, and guided by her mother, she’s less vulnerable to her father’s unhealthy behaviors. And she may not need as much of his time or encouragement. His
love is a bonus, but she’s already steady from her mother’s love.
reaction. I call this involuntary reaction intimacy intolerance. When someone gets too close, intimacy intolerance causes you to feel a little sick. Their emotional proximity feels disgusting or irritating.
maternal love represents protection,
Mothers carrying their own victimization pass it on to their daughters. Self-loathing and contempt corrupt the mother–daughter bond as hatred of women is shared. “A mother’s victimization does not merely humiliate her, it mutilates her daughter, who watches her for clues as to what it means to be a woman.
Mother Hunger, in part, is a legacy of the mother wound. Passed from grandmother to mother to daughter, the belief that women are somehow less than men damages our bond with each other as we pass our internalized beliefs about our body, worth, and power to the next generation. The unconscious and epigenetic processes that teach us to be “feminine” occur without our consent.
Pleasing and appeasing is similar to a trauma response—it’s an automatic, unconscious reaction that can become an engrained personality trait.
Frightened women make insecure mothers who sometimes fail to protect their children. This isn’t a matter of love. Mothers may fiercely
Some mothers are overly protective and daughters miss out on developmentally suitable experiences. On the other hand, some mothers are so permissive that daughters face adult challenges before they are ready. The right balance is mysterious.
Early lessons in safety and security between mother and daughter may not be measurable or visible, but they are powerful. Beginning with pregnancy, scientists are learning, maternal anxiety, stress, and fear can be passed on to a baby in utero, specifically in the last trimester.
Maternal stress and anxiety pass insecurity to a daughter through touch, vocal tones, and breathing patterns, and later through behaviors and choices that put both mother and daughter in harm’s way.
Life transitions that don’t have cultural support are hard, and maternal love makes things easier.
tragic display of systemic misogyny that overrides the protective maternal
instinct.
Sometimes women compensate for misogyny by behaving like those in power—they offend someone more vulnerable.
but it highlights the generational nature of women unable to protect each another from systemic sexism. This is how Mother Hunger happens.
personality adaptations also make them competitors for whatever love is available.
Unprotected children grow up guarding themselves and fighting for attention. As a result, when siblings most need an ally, they frequently end up with an enemy—or, at the very least, a difficult relationship laced with competition and resentment.
Many sisters become adversaries as they individually survive a mother who acts like a child. When siblings strive to survive, they don’t play. They rarely relax. One becomes parental; the other stays young. Siblings take on roles like peacemaker or comedian. Sometimes children just hide from the chaos, quietly retreating into themselves.
Adaptations to a mother’s fear can inhibit a daughter’s ability to play, learn, and feel comfortable making friends. Feeling anxious, she loses access to her inner wisdom and intuition.
defensiveness earned protection.
But underneath a carefully crafted veneer, her frozen personality parts wait for attention.
Women who grow up without maternal protection are accustomed to high levels of fear and anxiety. If this is part of your story, you have been living with high levels of stress and self-management for a long time. Your endurance may be running thin. Because maternal protection was missing, you adapted very young, and part of you may still feel like a frightened girl at times.
“Because fear takes people out of presence and into vigilance, it also moves them out of being able to pay attention to the nuances of what is happening for someone else.”6
As we discussed in the mirroring section in Chapter 1, we know that by four months of age a baby has already learned her mother’s facial expressions. Babies regulate their nervous system in sync with their mothers’. In this way, maternal distress can become infant distress. No Safe Haven
Dr. Gabor Maté, “We are not talking about individual parental failure. We are talking about a broad social phenomenon. We live in a society . . . that completely destroys the parenting environment.”
Children without a protective caregiver suffer more than children who have one. Dr. Robert Block, former president of the American Academy of
Separation is scary for infants and hard on mothers for a reason: survival.
“Secure attachment makes separation less painful for children, but separation causes a child pain even when that child has an emotionally present mother,” Dr. Komisar writes.
While little ones benefit from socialization in daycare and preschool, they aren’t psychologically or emotionally equipped for
peer interactions before they are two years old.17
Peer play goes more smoothly when early attachment needs have been met. Attachment must precede socializa...
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relationship is the basis for attachment and feelings of safety. Secure attachment happens gradually as trust grows in connection with predictable, warm care. If you didn’t have a sense of safety growing up, the separation anxiety that is evident in little ones might still be with you.
You might feel a deep uneasiness when you are alone or when someone leaves. Many argue that encouraging mothers and infants to stay
Perhaps if policies promoted secure attachment by allowing longer parental leave, the importance of the early moments and months would gain universal respect.
In the first three years, encouraging dependency is an emotional investment in future independence and health.
Little ones who learn to rely on themselves for comfort and safety become guarded teenagers who are hard to reach.
He describes an alpha mother as a woman who knows her strength and primacy in her baby’s world. An alpha mother claims her place as her child’s protector.
