Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance

by Kelly McDaniel

On one hand, [culture was telling me] I had agency, autonomy, and responsibility for my body, my choices, my life. On the other, [the larger culture was teaching me that] I didn’t really know what was best for me. I couldn’t be trusted to say what things were. My mother knew better. My father. My teachers. My elders in general. And then, when it came to my desire, men knew, or were supposed to know, better than I did. Except the bad ones. If only it were easier to know which ones were bad.11 Cultural programming impacts mothers and daughters, complicating maternal guidance when it comes to sexuality. As understudy to our mother, we form an internal compass that directs our desires and feelings about our body by watching her. Many of us feel confused as our body develops and we first feel sexual desire. Caught in a sexual and social double bind that asks us to be good (saintly, pure, and sacrificial) and bad (sexy, erotic, and seductive) at the same time, we aren’t sure how to navigate erotic feelings in a healthy manner. When our mother hasn’t made peace with this double bind herself, we are on our own to find other guides. Fathers and Daughters When it comes to guidance, daughters benefit if and when their fathers are involved. Research shows that fathers who value relationships are more likely to have securely attached children. A father’s primary job is to protect and support the mother so she can build a base for her daughter in the early months and years. Once this ba...