Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance

by Kelly McDaniel

As you practice new boundaries, creating safety for yourself, you are essentially coming out of a dissociative trance that you’ve been in most of your life. Emerging from constant dissociation means facing buried emotions. This is a good time to remember what your goal is: You are building secure attachment within yourself that was lost in your formative years. You are creating an internal home where you are safe and loved.

Apology ache is a term I created for the longing that your mother would see how much she hurt you and say “I’m sorry,” the yearning for her to show remorse. You wait for an apology, hoping your pain will stop when she recognizes what she did wrong. But lots of mothers don’t acknowledge their hurtful behaviors or apologize for them. They aren’t sure how, or they feel too much shame, or they simply can’t empathize.

WhatMakesYouHaha.mp3

If you have Third-Degree Mother Hunger, you may never receive a real apology from your mother. While this might be a hard thing to acknowledge, it’s important to know that you can heal without her involvement.

While the stories are unique, there is a haunting similarity in each one—a type of eternal waiting and hoping for a mother to act like a mother. The fantasy of a loving mother hides behind the quest for something to fill the unnamed void.

Pleaseeeeee stop perceiving me

Finding places to belong heals Mother Hunger.

Only when you feel felt—when your body knows that someone is deeply experiencing this madness with you—can you come home to yourself.