Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance

by Kelly McDaniel

What I’ve found is that mothering requires three essential elements: nurturance, protection, and guidance. The first two—nurturance and protection—are the most primitive needs little ones have from mothers. Guidance, the third element, comes later. If we are deprived of one or more of these developmental needs, we struggle with symptoms of insecure attachment as we mature. For example, without early maternal nurturance, we grow up hungry for touch and belonging. Without early maternal protection, we are constantly anxious and afraid. Without maternal guidance, we lack an internal compass directing our choices. These are the symptoms of Mother Hunger.

A mother can only give her child what she has.

Mother Hunger emerges from the intergenerational inheritance of growing up in a culture that prefers men, masculine traits, and independence while devaluing women, feminine traits, and interdependence.

Adapting to loneliness too early in life leaves a deep hole where love and connection should have been. We’re without an internal compass for love and life, muddling along with brains adapted to loneliness and unprepared for healthy relationships.

Without attunement, a baby can’t tolerate her mother’s proximity. It is not enough that her mother is physically there; the baby needs her to be emotionally there too.

No mother is perfectly attuned to her baby all the time, nor does she need to be. But tuned-in mothers don’t let their little ones struggle too long or too often. Like the mothers in the Tronick experiment, they make timely repairs when they miss a cue for connection.

Women with an avoidant attachment style are typically attracted to people who are more anxiously attached (and more invested in the relationship) in an unconscious attempt to maintain control and the illusion that everything is okay. This is how they get their needs for closeness met without asking. Asking for connection requires vulnerability, and emotional vulnerability isn’t tolerable for women with avoidant attachment.

You might be interested in an online version of the Experiences in Close Relationships Scale to take a closer look at your attachment style (openpsychometrics.org/tests/ECR.php).

Childbirth is a profound experience for a woman, opening a psychic portal into deeper parts of herself. If her own early experiences with her biological mother were positive, feelings of joy may flood her body and brain as she brings forth new life. She is psychologically and biologically ready for bonding.

Mother Hunger doesn’t arise in a vacuum. Mother Hunger is created and transmitted within a culture that obscures our human need for one another and prioritizes men over women.

Feminists in the U.S. coined the term rape culture in the 1970s to describe a society where sexual violence is normalized and victims are blamed for sexual harassment and assault. Rape culture emphasizes “don’t get raped” instead of “don’t rape.”7 Emilie Buchwald, Pamela Fletcher, and Martha Roth, editors of Transforming a Rape Culture, describe rape culture as: a complex system of beliefs that encourages male aggression and supports violence against women. It is a society where violence is seen as sexy and sexuality as violent. In rape culture, women perceive a continuum of threatened violence that ranges from sexual remarks to sexual touching to rape itself.

The Sexual Alarm System, explains how women are so accustomed to sexual fear that—without our awareness—our bodies are constantly on guard, like a low-level hum. Leavitt calls this adaptation the sexual alarm system (SAS). The SAS keeps us on high alert, preparing us for “the possibility of abuse,” because we know it’s possible and “we are alert and watching out for it. Otherwise, we would go out for a walk anywhere at any time of night, or travel freely anywhere in the world, or not worry about the men on the street following us.”11

A personality of defense starts early. From a young age, we learn we aren’t safe because our body is an object that can be sexually exploited and violated. The sexual alarm system is a product of patriarchal culture.

Frightened women make insecure mothers who sometimes fail to protect their children.

Beginning with pregnancy, scientists are learning, maternal anxiety, stress, and fear can be passed on to a baby in utero, specifically in the last trimester.

On the “digital street corner,” girls are learning that danger and sex go together. That strangulation is part of foreplay. That being hot is everything.

Control teaches compliance. Compliant daughters are at risk for becoming vulnerable women without healthy boundaries or self-awareness because they learned to appease their mothers.

But the idea that mom and daughter could be best friends ignores the power imbalance between them. A daughter loves her mother but needs her differently than a friend. She needs her mother’s nurturance, protection, and guidance—a job description way beyond friendship.

Studies show that if a father enjoys his daughter and encourages her natural strengths, she may be more inclined to see herself as capable.

All women in a patriarchal culture are highly susceptible to sexual shame, but the legacy of harmful sexual messages may be intensified for marginalized groups of women. Women of color and lesbian women, who don’t fit into white heterosexist norms, become targets for unwanted sexual attention in media and movies.

The research suggests that parents who spank their children are actually unable to regulate their own emotions.

High levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, damage brain regions meant for social interaction.

Listen to a mindful podcast like Tara Brach or On Being with Krista Tippett.

Listen to educational podcasts about attachment. Therapist Uncensored is a good one.

Disenfranchised grief is so intrinsically woven into the fabric of Mother Hunger that it’s normal; frozen grief is the essence of Mother Hunger.

While loneliness might feel safer than risking connection, finding a place where you have temporary relief from your own thinking is an essential piece of healing Mother Hunger.

Finding a place to belong sounds much easier than it is. You have probably tried. Groups of women can be scary places. You might have learned that churches aren’t safe either. For this reason, I love 12-step programs. They are free, nonjudgmental places to belong. If the idea terrifies you, try a phone meeting or an online group like InTheRooms or Seeking Integrity (www.seekingintegrity.com) for support.

If you have no idea how to create an ideal mother, you could explore the goddess figures we have historically worshipped. For a nurturing mother, think of the Greek goddess Gaia. Maternal soul of the earth, Gaia provides life and nourishment. Sometimes known as Mother Earth, Gaia has a name in each culture. If you need a protective mother, Kali is a powerful goddess to call on. Kali is the Hindu goddess who destroys evil forces and preserves freedom. Widely worshipped in India, Kali is the divine protector. Imagine what she might do to help you. Who would she fight? Where would she take you for safety? For guidance, you might study the goddesses who balance fierceness with wisdom, like Athena and Persephone. How do they make difficult choices?

Reclaiming Damaged Dreams and Goals This is a fun and fruitful way to identify your desires and dreams. To start, let’s prime your brain. Think of four of your significant achievements to date. What are you most proud of accomplishing? (For example, abstaining from alcohol or completing an academic program or moving to a new town are all significant achievements.) What are four ways you express creativity? (Planning meals, entertaining friends and family, or creating music and art are just a few ideas.) What gives your life meaning? List four things that get you out of bed in the morning. (Try to think of things that make you smile, like your pet, yoga class, or cup of coffee.) Now your brain is ready for the next part. Think of seven words to describe yourself, such as funny, pretty, resilient, creative. (This is the “self” that feels most like you, not the “self” that worries about what others think.) Think of seven things that you like to do and that give you a sense of purpose and meaning. (Go back to the first three lists if you need ideas.) When you have all fourteen, pick your top three descriptive words. (For example, words to describe yourself might include strong, pretty, persistent, funny, quiet, and intelligent. But now you pick your favorite three, such as (1) funny, (2) persistent, (3) pretty.) Now pick your favorite three activities. (For example, (1) reading, (2) cooking, (3) knitting.) Now it’s time for the finale: let’s operationalize what you have put to...

The science of epigenetics informs us that we inherit the resilience and trauma of our ancestors.

Resources for Mothering The Baby-Friendly Hospital Initiative (BFHI), launched in 1991, is an effort to ensure that all maternity facilities, whether freestanding or in a hospital, become centers of breastfeeding support. Their website can guide you to a supportive facility in your area. Attachment Parenting International supports parents with science-based, attachment-focused advice. Their newsletter is very helpful. Darcia Narvaez is a researcher whose work focuses on “lifelong human wellness” and “meeting the biological needs of infants.”3 I recommend her book Neurobiology and the Development of Human Morality: Evolution, Culture, and Wisdom and her blog (evolvednest.org). The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two, by William and Martha Sears, is an excellent guide from a doctor and a nurse who have raised children and now have grandchildren. The Attachment Parenting Book: A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby is another excellent resource from the Sears Parenting Library. Nighttime Parenting: How to Get Your Baby and Child to Sleep, by William Sears, explains how parenting at night is just as critical as parenting during the day. Raised Good: This blog is full of supportive guidance for natural parenting in the modern world and offers online courses (https://raisedgood.com).

Margaret Renkl’s Late Migrations. Her beautiful words have a prophetic nature as she says, “There is nothing to fear. There is nothing at all to fear. Walk out into the springtime, and look: the birds welcome you with a chorus. The flowers turn their faces to your face. The last of last year’s leaves, still damp in the shadows, smell ripe and faintly of fall.”