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February 27 - March 14, 2023
storm of life. Of course, even mothers who provide these elements will make plenty of mistakes along the way. Fortunately, mistakes don’t create Mother Hunger. Mother Hunger comes from unacknowledged damage to nurturance, protection, or guidance. Mothers who recognize their mistakes and make repairs keep bonding secure. In order for any mother to do this well, she must be nurtured by friends, protected by partners, and supported by family. If these resources aren’t available, a mother may need professional support in order to meet the demands of mothering.
With repetition and predictability, a baby’s neural makeup mimics her caregiver’s, imprinting a template for how to love and how to feel. Warm, regular touch helps her brain grow, feeding the neurons that promote bonding. A baby develops in her mother’s arms, against her mother’s heart, one breath at a time. In the mother–infant dyad, the symphony of love orchestrates a brain equipped to master observation, communication, and social connection
In recent interviews, former surgeon general Dr. Vivek Murthy discusses the toxic nature of loneliness. He explains that ongoing loneliness creates a “chronic stress state” that in turn damages the immune system; creates inflammation, heart problems, depression, and anxiety; and increases the likelihood of premature death. “Chronic loneliness is the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day,” according to Dr. Murthy.24 In a culture that encourages independence training for babies and children, too many parents are profoundly unaware of their baby’s critical attachment needs. Fearful that their
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attachment and setting the stage for Mother Hunger to grow. As adults, many of us live with a deep, unconscious craving for love and security that stems from too much loneliness during vulnerable, dynamic periods of brain growth. While we might appear capable and strong, deep within there is a nagging sense of emptiness. Adapting to loneliness too early in life leaves a deep hole where love and connection should have been. We’re without an internal compass for love and life, muddling along with brains adapted to loneliness and unprepared for healthy relationships.
may turn into depression. Without appropriate intervention, these daughters lose validation and don’t recognize that their anger is a friend tapping them on the shoulder to notice that something is wrong. We will
Oxytocin creates a biological reaction in the
food
yes
hungry?
yes
alone?
mom cooked and we were forced to eat together
Restrict?
yes
sensations
i fel angry or anxious
favorite
junk food McDonald's, icecream,
about
i need it
intimacy.
scared withdrawn
Patriarchy is evident in the everyday violence against women. It is reflected in the battlements we build to protect ourselves: the little accommodations, the things you do reflexively to keep yourself from being hurt while you walk around, all the subtle ways you protect yourself from being alone with some men in offices and other men in cars and all unknown men in large empty buildings . . . every time you’ve ignored the lewd comment from a man on the street or at a bar or at a party, because who knows what he’ll do if you lash out . . . the quick scan of a subway car when the train pulls
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and ferociously to build her own financial fortress. She is seeking the protection she didn’t have as a child. Although a woman carrying this type of Mother Hunger can take care of herself, she is tired of doing it. She longs for someone to take control and relieve her of responsibility, someone to let her be the little girl she never got to be. Women who grow up without maternal protection are accustomed to high levels of fear and anxiety. If this is part of your story, you have been living with high levels of stress and self-management for a long time. Your endurance may be running thin.
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Spanking For a long time, spanking has been considered an appropriate way to “train” a child, but, finally, this is ending. While spanking might appear effective in the short term, there is no existing study to support the idea that spanking or physical pain leads to long-term positive
outcomes. The research suggests that parents who spank their children are actually unable to regulate their own emotions. Spanking is a shortcut, an emotional bypass from parental discomfort, anger, or helplessness. Parents justify spanking in all kinds of ways, but it is an abuse of power. Spanking leads to fear, aggression, humiliation, and withdrawal in children. Spanking a child is the opposite of nurturing, protecting, or guiding. In a study of children exposed to routine, painful medical procedures, such as allergy shots or blood draws, the anticipatory distress before the painful
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headaches are normal. During a spanking, physiological reactions such as heart pounding, vomiting, and even loss of bowel or bladder control can occur. Spanking creates toxic stress for a child and for the siblings who watch, eroding trust and safety in a family.14 Children who were spanked suffer long-term symptoms, such as depression, anxiety, and emotional distress.15 If you were spanked as a child, you may feel disgusted by your body. It may be difficult to care for yourself (including pursuing medical care, dental care, regular exercise, and healthy nutrition) because your body has been a
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Identify your primary missing maternal needs. Do you crave affection and quality time from one special someone? You need more nurturance. Are you routinely anxious and afraid? You need more protection. Do you feel uninspired or lost? You need guidance. Understand what I call apology ache. Understand disenfranchised grief. Discover the benefits of a having a celestial mother. Find professional support. A qualified attachment-focused therapist can help regardless of
