Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance

by Kelly McDaniel

mothering requires three essential elements: nurturance, protection, and guidance. The first two—nurturance and protection—are the most primitive needs little ones have from mothers. Guidance, the third element, comes later. If we are deprived of one or more of these developmental needs, we struggle with symptoms of insecure attachment as we mature. For example, without early maternal nurturance, we grow up hungry for touch and belonging. Without early maternal protection, we are constantly anxious and afraid. Without maternal guidance, we lack an internal compass directing our choices. These are the symptoms of Mother Hunger.

As a child, if essential elements of maternal nurturance and protection were missing, you didn’t stop loving your mother—you simply didn’t learn to love yourself.

“One of the best things each of us can do—not only for ourselves, but also for our children and grandchildren—is to metabolize our pain and heal our trauma.”

Growing awareness of the “mother wound”—a matrilineal burden that manifests in women and is passed on from generation to generation—gives us the framework for understanding the origin of Mother Hunger.

Dr. Oscar Serrallach describes the transmission of the mother wound by explaining the cultural forces that require women “to internalize the dysfunctional coping mechanisms learned by previous generations of women.” Serrallach describes the mother wound as “the pain and grief that grow in a woman as she tries to explore and understand her power and potential in a society that doesn’t make room for it.”

Mother Hunger, in part, is a legacy of the mother wound. Passed from grandmother to mother to daughter, the belief that women are somehow less than men damages our bond with each other as we pass our internalized beliefs about our body, worth, and power to the next generation.

I’ve seen this pattern of sibling tension over and over again in cases of Mother Hunger. Many sisters become adversaries as they individually survive a mother who acts like a child. When siblings strive to survive, they don’t play. They rarely relax. One becomes parental; the other stays young. Siblings take on roles like peacemaker or comedian. Sometimes children just hide from the chaos, quietly retreating into themselves.

When a mother has unrepaired attachment injuries from her own upbringing, her capacity to soothe herself or her daughter is compromised. An emotionally fragile mother may have facial expressions that frighten her daughter or vocal tones that are hard to listen to. Easily distressed, a vulnerable mother can’t tolerate it when her daughter has big emotions, particularly if they are negative emotions. Afraid that she has no solution, a vulnerable mother may push her daughter away to avoid feeling helpless.

Earned protection manifests in many different ways. Some girls are fierce. They have rapid movements, forceful voices, and frequent demands. Displays of dominance alert others to back off and be careful. On the other end of the spectrum, some girls appear submissive or compliant, their posture bent or unsteady. They may rely on others to make decisions for them.

If you meet a woman who has buried this type of Mother Hunger under fierce defenses, you might not know she is afraid. Externally, she might seem strong. But underneath a carefully crafted veneer, her frozen personality parts wait for attention. One part is a frightened little girl who longs for maternal protection. Another part is an angry teenager who had to figure things out by herself. Unaware of these parts, a woman who did not have early maternal protection may find herself attracted to powerful authority figures who have status and wealth or she may work tirelessly and ferociously to build her own financial fortress. She is seeking the protection she didn’t have as a child.

Women who grow up without maternal protection are accustomed to high levels of fear and anxiety. If this is part of your story, you have been living with high levels of stress and self-management for a long time. Your endurance may be running thin. Because maternal protection was missing, you adapted very young, and part of you may still feel like a frightened girl at times.

In fact, becoming a mother may be the first time you care for yourself, because life is no longer just about you, and caring for yourself is also what’s best for your child.