Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance

by Kelly McDaniel

Mother Hunger is a term I created to describe what it feels like to grow up without a quality of mothering that imprints emotional worth and relational security.

Neuroscience informs us that the brain doesn’t differentiate emotional pain from physical pain. The body can’t tell the difference between a broken bone and a broken heart.

(CDC) identifies “safe, stable, and nurturing relationships” (SSNRs) as foundational for promoting the healthy social and emotional development of children.

Unmet needs for maternal nurturance and protection fester like an angry infection. The body holds the memory of emotional pain and, over time, may generate chronic distress and insecurity. When distress is the norm, it becomes toxic. Toxic stress creates physiological inflammation, weakening the immune system. In this way, lack of early nurturance or protection is a form of adversity and creates an attachment injury. The frightened or lonely toddler within follows us into adulthood, wreaking havoc on our bodies, relationships, and careers.17 This early broken heart is the root of Mother Hunger.

Truly, what I’ve found is that having an unkind or neglectful mother can be as damaging as having no mother at all.

Daughters of compromised mothers cling to hope—hope that the mother they have will become the mother they need. Enduring hope creates a pathological fantasy that keeps women trapped in cycles of disappointment and grief. Choices feel more like compulsions. Decision-making is based on external pressures rather than internal values. Substitutes are needed. In childhood, surrogate mothers may look a lot like cake, ice cream, or fairy tales.

Over time, I identified three essential maternal elements that contribute to a sense of worth and security: nurturance, protection, and guidance. These are the elements of care that translate into maternal love.

In recent interviews, former surgeon general Dr. Vivek Murthy discusses the toxic nature of loneliness. He explains that ongoing loneliness creates a “chronic stress state” that in turn damages the immune system; creates inflammation, heart problems, depression, and anxiety; and increases the likelihood of premature death. “Chronic loneliness is the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day,” according to Dr. Murthy.