Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance

by Kelly McDaniel

Maternal love is our first experience of what love feels like,

Mother Hunger comes from unacknowledged damage to nurturance, protection, or guidance.

Mothers who have difficulty showing affection or have frequent, unexplained mood swings create anxious daughters.

most epigenetic transmission is matrilineal,

Epigenetics refers to a modification of gene expression rather than a change in the actual genetic code.

“Our denial of the very specific and special physical and emotional role of a mother and her child, particularly in our attempt to be modern, is not in the best interest of children and their needs.”

You can practice warm self-touch to soothe and reclaim lost maternal nurturance.

helpful diagram put out by the Cleveland Clinic illustrating the sequence of Reiki positions.

Hunger and bonding are inextricably biologically linked. Categorically, women with Mother Hunger struggle with both food and relationships. I have never seen one problem without the other.

Some avoid meals and restrict calories to feel strong, visible, or safe. Starving is one of the most basic ways to compensate for feeling helpless.

What kind of world makes it difficult for a mother to protect her child? The answer to this question involves a discussion of patriarchy,

“A mother’s victimization does not merely humiliate her, it mutilates her daughter, who watches her for clues as to what it means to be a woman.

The mother’s self-hatred and low expectations are binding rags for the psyche of the daughter.”3

widespread infiltration of pornography as a public health crisis.

Frightened women make insecure mothers who sometimes fail to protect their children.

Within weeks, Debra secretly marries John despite her daughters’ protests, and their relationship shows hallmark symptoms of love addiction. Love addiction, like any other addiction, follows certain criteria that indicate when a habit has become a compulsion:

Debra is unable to stop seeing John despite uncovering his lies and experiencing loss of closeness with her daughters.

However, she can’t tolerate the separation and reestablishes contact with him.

Debra lies about her relationship with John from the very beginning. She lies about how fast things are moving, how much access she is giving him to her personal life, and how much of her finances are compromised.

Both mother and daughter show no ability or inclination to slow down and get to know him before including him in family life. They are seduced by his charm. But Debra’s daughters are not.

The eldest, Ronnie, is clearly haunted by her mother’s four previous marriages. Her rage is overt.

Ronnie, unapologetic in her defensive posture, is the protector. She has adopted the parental role that her mother has abandoned.

Debra’s younger daughter, Terra, is disturbed by the relationship but shows her fear in very different ways from her older sister. Unlike Ronnie, Terra tries to appease her mother.

we know this isn’t the first time she’s turned a blind eye to her daughter’s needs to meet her own.

Sometimes women compensate for misogyny by behaving like those in power—they offend someone more vulnerable.

She feels victimized by her daughter’s behavior and goes so far as to apologize to John for her daughter’s “rudeness.”

When a mother is unable to protect her daughters, not only do siblings miss out on maternal protection, but their personality adaptations also make them competitors for whatever love is available.

We see this between Debra Newell and her girls. She treats her daughters as decorations, wanting them at family gatherings but irritated by their routine daily needs.

Though she’s unable to see or respect her daughters’ feelings, she feels victimized when they can’t respect hers.

For maternal guidance to be effective, there must first be a trusted bond.

mothers who look for gratitude or affirmation from their daughters place an unnecessary burden on girls

A father’s primary job is to protect and support the mother so she can build a base for her daughter in the early months and years.

Her unlived life was yours to fulfill.

Emotionally abusive mothers rarely repair the hurt they cause, and the lack of acknowledgment is what causes an enduring psychological trauma.

In spite of decades of evidence that a mother can’t or won’t change harmful behaviors, daughters cling to hope.

Daughters of abusive mothers have been fighting to be noticed, fighting to be protected, fighting to be nurtured, and fighting for an apology most of their lives.

Appeasing an abusive mother sets up a lifetime of relational confusion. And we may find ourselves in one destructive relationship after another.

Stress irritates the functioning of the amygdala, where empathy develops.

During a stressful event or moment, the brain literally ignores information secondary to survival. Over time, unused brain neurons and synaptic connections disappear. Scientists call this sophisticated neurological process pruning.

It must compartmentalize fear somewhere outside your consciousness so that bonding can happen. Over time, the brain shrinks danger signals, like a mother’s shrill voice or furrowed brow, so you can tolerate her proximity. Pruning alters perception and protects you when you are small and dependent, but over time, your innate ability to detect or discern risky situations is twisted.

Since you are adapted to danger, situations that would frighten a regular person don’t raise a red flag for you.

Since it was a secret and wasn’t supposed to be happening, there’s no support for the loss. Disenfranchised grief has nowhere to go.4

we can make room for mothers as victims but not as perpetrators.)

Finding places to belong heals Mother Hunger.