All I've Wanted All I've Needed

by A.E. Valdez

“Don’t you ever feel like we’re just settling, Hendrix? Almost like we’re together because we’re comfortable, not because we’re in love with one another?”

I feel like we’re together because it’s what’s expected of us, and not because we want to be together.

“You’re doing what is best for you. Don’t feel bad. If you two are truly meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other.

“I really thought this was what I wanted… but now I’m second guessing myself.

“Give yourself some grace. It’s okay to not be okay.

But we all get to a point where we decide we want more, don’t we? Even if we seem happy and content. I know there is more out there for me, and I want to find it.

“You can love me, but that doesn’t mean that we’re meant to be together, Hendrix.”

“It is when you try to force me to do it on your terms.”

Letting go is a lot harder than it seems.

Neither of us are making it easy to move on from the other. I wonder if there will ever be a point where we feel like we can live without the other. Right now, I feel as though we may never reach that point. Instead of degrading myself for still loving and wanting him in my life, I accept that this is where I am. And things can change at any given moment.

I do spend a lot of time doubting myself and thinking about how there are people more deserving than I am. If I’m going to be teaching others though, I need to find some confidence.

but for some stupid reason I’m still in love with him. I miss the familiarity of him.

Sometimes comfort is what kills us.

Maybe this move is your more. Stop doubting yourself.”

“Face your shit. You can’t run from good thing to good thing, hoping it will erase the bad shit that happened. It happened.

that I deserve to be 100 percent happy, whether that’s with or without him, and to not hold myself back for his sake.

“There’s nothing wrong with being committed to yourself. When you’re not focused on love, that’s when it sweeps you up.”

The problem with comfort is that it makes it easier to slip into routines. It makes it easier for us to become stagnant.

Since I’ve been “adulting”, I’ve learned that things mean more to you when you’re invest in them for yourself.

people who fade in and out of your life… they don’t matter. The ones who do matter will stand by your side regardless of what you got going on.”

I’m a naturally indecisive person who likes external validation, and that carries over into all areas of my life.

Maybe it was naïve of me to think that he and I could remain friends after being together for so long. I think that maybe there will always be a piece of me that wants him in my life even though I know that we would probably be better off parting ways.

Letting go takes a lot of time, indecisiveness, and fuck ups before you can officially walk away and feel done. I’m not there yet, and I guess that’s okay, even though I’m wishing that I were.

“You know that you’re going to have to be the one to cut things off, right? Because he never will. He truly believes that you two are meant to be together.”

“You’ll want her around all the time. She has a magnetic personality and is one of the few genuine people that I know.”

He’s not looking at me expectantly or sympathetically. He’s simply sitting next to me in this moment. Holding the space for me to let it out.

She’s a sweetheart, but I can tell that there’s a side to her that you don’t want to cross. Something about the quiet ones.

“Because… I still care. I feel stupid for caring about someone who so blatantly doesn’t really care about me.”

“You realize you’re human, right? We can’t just switch off emotions. You two were together for a long time. Over time you’ll care a little less, until you realize that you don’t care about him anymore at all.

when something affects your overall health, it isn’t worth it.”

“Stop acting like you owe everybody something. You don’t owe anyone anything. The only person you owe something to is yourself. It’s okay to walk away from something that isn’t working for you.”

Staying in a situation because I feel like I owe someone something isn’t going to get me anywhere.

I think about all the time we’ve spent together and how comfortable I’ve become with him. Not the mundane kind of comfortable, where you fall into a routine and then shit goes stale. It’s the kind of comfort where I can be myself while giving me room to grow and evolve.

I don’t know why I’m so damn nervous to meet them. I was actually excited until my mind started wandering.

I know I’m being ridiculous but once I start thinking about something it’s hard to stop.

I resolve that it isn’t my job to make them like me. Either they will or they won’t, and there isn’t anything I can do about it.

It becomes exhausting trying to appeal to people. When you start being yourself, you attract people who you naturally vibe with.

I want a relationship where I can still be my own separate being with hopes, dreams, and desires.

Acyn helps remind me that I can’t do it all and I won’t miss opportunities that are meant for me.

you realize people who were once your world matter a little less to you each day.

I’m not going there with him again. He needs to accept that I’ve moved on. I smile to myself. It feels good to finally be able to say that to myself.

I can’t make someone want to be with me and I won’t.

This man is fluent in my body language. He worships me. I’ve never experienced this level of pleasure in my life. It isn’t only a physical pleasure, but an emotional pleasure as well. The pleasure of knowing someone wants to know every curve, thought, and detail of you so they can take you to a state of bliss only they can.

It feels good to have someone to lean on that can support me when I feel like I can’t support myself.

This is what it feels like to fall in love… to be in love.

We’re all deserving of happiness and of a love that’s so deep that you only discover the depths to which it goes with each passing day as your love grows.