I Hated You First

by Rachel John

hypocrite. My heart wasn’t free to give. It already belonged to this spitfire who didn’t want it.

I’d catch Clay looking at me, really looking—the way a jewel thief might stare at a priceless necklace encased in glass.

“Tall blondes with brown eyes. Feisty. Speedy in a truck but slower on foot.” I turned, as if surprised to see her jogging next to me. “Oh, look. There’s one right here.” She slapped me away good-naturedly, but I saw the question in her eyes. She didn’t want to believe there was truth in my teasing, but she still… wondered. Good.

All I want to do is rearrange all the single people I know like Barbies and Kens, and none of you will let me.”

His admiration was not for show. It was not an act. It was solely about me and for me, and it filled me up more than any pretty words could ever do.

Chemistry was a funny thing. I truly believed you could create chemistry with a person if you both wanted it. You could choose love. You could build it. None of this falling out of love business.

How would I rate kissing Clay Olsen? Five stars. Two enthusiastic thumbs up. Fireworks. Everywhere. He had wrecked me for all other men with one kiss, and I’d made sure he knew it the way I’d clung to him.

When Parker and Dad pulled up to the curb in their apology caravan two minutes later, Clay was still chasing me around the yard with the Nutcracker doll. What a day.

We weren’t a big family, but boy, were we loud and intense sometimes, with all the subtlety of a social justice warrior in a Reddit forum.

For her, every other guy was gray and fuzzy, and Clay was in vibrant color.

Love was this scary and beautiful thing that existed all around me. I could see it. I could read about it. But I’d never experienced it before.