Mother of Death & Dawn (The War of Lost Hearts, #3)

by Carissa Broadbent

It’s not all that hard to keep yourself sane, so long as you’re flexible with your definition of the term.

“Five hundred years is a very long time,” he said, at last. “One hundred and eighty thousand days, and I thought of you in every one.”

“One hundred and eighty thousand days I have been at the mercy of human kings,” I snarled. “And if you think you are any better than any of them, you are a fool.”

Sometimes there was nothing to do but put one foot in front of another.

“No. They just helped conquer my country.” She didn’t miss a beat. Just kept walking.

But commissions are business. It wasn’t… personal.” She gave him a calm, cold stare. “It never is.”

“It was a gift, Max,” she murmured. “A gift to have known you. I hope that you have the most incredible, happy life. I hope you find a future worth forgetting your past. Make it worth it. Find joy. Do you understand?”

My arms wrapped around her like the shape of her body was already a homeland I knew by heart.

This was not him wielding me. This was him handing me the means to be something more. This was him trusting me with power. Putting himself at my feet, even though he was the king, even though I owed him my life. It was not a command. It was an offer.

A realization came to me, one that I had been grappling with for the last ten years. There was no single moment when everything changed. No single before and after. There was just… life. A million decisions and a million consequences.

Tears streaked his cheeks. I wiped them away with my thumb. “I love you,” I whispered—because what else could I offer him? I could not erase his past. I could not take away his grief. But I could love him, no matter what, always.

I relished in Caduan’s expression when he saw me—unfettered awe, like the sight of me made him forget that everything else existed.

A dizzy flood of affection fell over me at the sight of it—because it was such a familiar expression, and I loved that it was suddenly so familiar. Yes, a lifetime of memories was a heavy weight. When they returned, I had thought some of them might break me. But then, some of them were this.

Fuck. I was gone. Even when I didn’t know who she was, I was gone.

“You want the truth? The memories are hard, yes. But none of that scared me as much as the prospect of exactly how close I came to never seeing you again. That’s what fucking terrifies me.”

If you ever have to guess what I want, or what is best for me, it is you. Alright? I have made that decision already. I do not make it lightly. Don’t disrespect that by claiming that you know better for me than I do. I have made bad decisions before. But you are not, never have been, and never will be one of them. It is always you.”

I made a show of pressing my lips closed. “I am silent.” Then I opened my arms. “Now debase me.” He leaned down to kiss me over the still-pointedly-closed seam of my lips. “If you insist.”

Max’s thumb brushed my cheek. “I had a lovely time with you.” I kissed his palm. “Me too.”

“I’m glad I had the foresight to make sure my room wasn’t next to yours.” “So superior. As if you’ve been sitting here all alone like a priest.”

We all feel the same things, and we will still die trying to kill each other for it.”

Perhaps death was a door, but if it was, he had torn it open to drag me back.

Sometimes, it being important to them”—he nodded out to the dancing crowd—“is enough to make it important to me. So I pretend.”

Her fingers traced mine. She had hardly let go of me all day, like she felt like she was the only thing tethering me to the earth. She may not have been far off.

It had held against two of the most powerful militaries in the world. Against all odds, it still stood. This was what Tisaanah had fought so hard for. This was what she had dreamed of when she crawled to the Orders’ steps, half-dead.

Yes, we had won our country back. But sometime today, a million deadly combinations of a million deadly acts converged in exactly the right way, and just like that, my best friend lost the love of his life. That would never be a fair exchange.

Max led me there. I was silent as he ran a bath, helped me from my clothes, lowered me into the warm water like I was a child.

“Thank you for coming for me.” “Always, Tisaanah.” He kissed my forehead. My nose. My cheeks, left then right.

Max did not ask why I was crying. He did not tell me everything was going to be alright. He just took a cloth and washed the blood from my back, stroke by stroke, gentle as a lullaby, and let me cry.

He gave me affection, and then he pushed me away. He took my body, and then he abandoned it. He saved my life, and then refused to speak to me. All while he waged the greatest war the world had even seen in my name.

“What are we even doing any of this for, if not for a future with the people we love?”

No, he did not. To love someone is to want to keep them forever. To love someone is to curl up with their bloodstain on the floor. But it is not love to leave someone voluntarily. It is not love to cradle someone’s heart and take it with you to the grave.

His knuckles brushed my cheek. “Come out there with me.” I started to shake my head, but he said, “You are my partner. I don’t care about traditions.”

He was beautiful. So different than the man I had discovered drunk in his garden so long ago. And yet… He glanced at me and gave me a little, nervous smile. Left side first. …And yet the same. In all the best ways.

And those who had nothing simply raised clenched fists to the sky. No one cheered. No one shouted. But this—this swelling wave of silent, mournful solidarity—seemed more meaningful than any applause ever would.

“Do not fear death, my daughter. We all walk with one foot in each world. There is beauty in impermanence. And what sad lives we would live, if we never loved anything we would lose.”

but now the only thing that I want to know is you. Every part of you. I want you to be the last thing I see when death comes for me. And I want you beside me when we build this new world.”

He spoke that way now. Like his love for me was something sacred.

“You are my home, Max. I never allowed myself to believe I would ever have one. I never allowed myself to think that I could keep one, if I did. But I have realized that there is bravery in hope for the future.

When we parted, our foreheads pressed together, he murmured, “You cannot possibly understand how much I love you.”

“Say that again,” he whispered. “Marry me, mysterious snake man.” His arms wound around me, pulling me onto his lap, and he kissed me again, and again, and again, until finally we untangled ourselves from each other long enough for him to look into my eyes and say, “Well, I guess so.”

I picked a few red blossoms from the bushes that lined the path and tucked them into Tisaanah’s hair. When she grinned at me in response, there were no gowns or makeup or magic in the world that would have made her more beautiful than she was in that moment.

“Max. For my first gift, I give you my future. Our future. I promise you that we will build it together. And I promise you that I will always fight for it, as hard as I need to.”

“I give you my partnership,” I said, at last. “I promise that whatever road you walk, I will walk it beside you. Whatever challenge you encounter, I will face it with you. You will never fight alone again.”

“I give you my heart,” Tisaanah said. The rest of the world had faded away—it was only us, and the flowers, and our words. “Fully and completely. There is no part of myself that I will hide or shield. I promise you my love, in good times and hard times. You will always have an embrace to return to.”

“I give you my soul. It’s not a perfect one. It’s a little messy. You inherit some scars. But… all the good parts are for you. From the minute you showed up at my door, all the good parts were for you.”

“It was worth everything else,” he said, barely louder than a whisper. “This time with you.”

The world hurt her. She hurt the world. The cycle went on, and on, and on.

“I see you, Aefe.” My words slowed. My consciousness was fading. “You can do more than destroy. You can be more than death.”

And that, I realized, was the cruelest truth of all. He could not save me. I could not save him. “Together,” I choked out. “We go together.” “Your story deserved a better end.”

His hand was outstretched, as if he had been holding something, or someone. Aefe was never found. Her body was gone.