You're My Home

by Katie Moore

I have found my person, and I can handle anything as long as I don’t lose him.

I think he likes to take care of me, and I like it so much that it makes me want to cry.

He’s so very tiny, just like my brother always was. I can’t stop thinking about the way he’d looked crying in the woods or the welts I’d seen on his back. I want to protect him, keep him safe.

Mom starts crying and Dad is instantly holding her. “He’s so small—like Owen was. I miss him so much.” “I know. Maybe Owen sent us Zach because he knew he needed us,” Dad murmurs against Mom’s head, his voice sounding shaky to me. I knee-crawl over to my parents, and they envelop me into their hug as we all cry. My sisters pile on, and I feel the strength of my dad holding us all together.

Brady gives his dad an odd look, but then I see him scan his gaze around the room. His eyes find me in the shadows, and worry crosses his face. I shrink back more, not wanting him to see how messed up I am right now.

“What if I do something that makes you mad?” “So what if you do? Friends always forgive and love each other no matter what.”

It bothers me when I don’t know where he is or can’t watch over him.

They won’t see that I’m dying inside.

How could anyone not fall in love with him? He’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met.

I don’t go to get my phone or backpack from Brady’s room, slipping out the patio door to walk the path to the tree house instead. It’s the only place that feels like it’s mine, and I need that right now. I curl up in a sleeping bag and cry myself to sleep.

“The next time someone says one mean word about you, I want you to come to me. Don’t run away from me. Because none of them mean to me what you do. Do you understand, buddy?”

Connor looks straight at me, and I sidle a little closer to Brady. “I’m sorry, Zach. I didn’t join in with Derek, but I should’ve defended you when I heard him. I hope we can become friends and you can feel comfortable in our group.” His brown eyes are saying he means it, and I relax, giving him a small nod.

“Don’t you get tired of taking care of me?” That earns me an are you stupid look. “I like taking care of you. If one of us is going to be the superhero, it’s going to be me.”

You’re just his buddy. He’s straight and you’re…gay. Gay.

You are who you are, and I love the person you are. If you’re gay, you’ve been gay this whole time, and I loved you then, so I’ll love you now.”

“I spent so much time this last year trying to pray this away, but it didn’t work.” “Because it’s who you are and who you’re meant to be.”

By the time he’s done, I can feel sticky blood run down the side of my hip. Something inside of me dies in that moment, and I don’t think I’ll ever get it back.

I turn to see Connor walking up with a big grin on his face. Alex and a bunch of other guys are following, all of them staring at me. I feel like a bunny surrounded by a pack of wolves eyeing me like I’m their prey.

He has this gentleness about him that I’ve honestly never seen in anyone else. Even my mom isn’t as gentle as Zach. Every touch seems measured so he doesn’t hurt anyone. Every single word from him means more than an entire conversation with someone else.

“He was upset because he thought it would embarrass me. He never wants to hurt anyone, and when he thinks he’s the cause of it, he can’t handle it.” “That’s why it makes me livid that someone would hurt him, even with words. God knows the kid has been through enough already.”

“You’ve given him a lot of space in here. Take care of your heart, Son, because that boy in the kitchen is most of it.”

I scoot over and spoon him, knowing he won’t relax otherwise. He takes my hand and holds it to his chest in this sweet way that makes me smile.

Tears stream down my face and onto the words. How could anyone hurt a dog like that? I look up to see Emily with tears in her eyes, too.

I don’t understand. “But why would you do that for me? You barely knew me.” Brady reaches over to take my hand, his face serious when he answers, “Because we loved you then, too.” His mom does this humming sound. “He’s right. You walked into our lives, and we knew you were ours even then.”

Tessa throws a ball at me, and I throw it back, glancing over at Zach again to check on him. Connor is on the lounge next to him, coating Zach’s back with sunscreen. He tosses the bottle down, lying back and chatting with Zach about something that is making Zach laugh. It irks me a little that he’s getting Zach’s time instead of me.

We walk to the door together, Connor opening it to let me through. “Eventually, he’ll tell everyone. He’s going to want to date and meet guys, have relationships.” The implied he’ll want to have sex is in there. I feel a little nauseous thinking about it. Zach is too fragile, and what if he gets hurt? “I’m not going to let him get hurt. Guys can just stay away until he’s older. For now, they’re going to have to come through me to get to him.” I sound like an ass but can’t take the words back. Connor doesn’t say anything, but I get the sense that my words bother him. I can’t explain this intense protectiveness I have for Zach, but I’m not willing to give it up.

We swim for an hour, and when I look over to check on him, Zach is gone. He comes out of the house carrying a cake to set on the patio table. Mom and Grandma are talking to him, and he smiles at something they are saying. I smile, too, because nothing is better than him being happy.

I blow out the candles, my wish being that I never lose Zach.

Dad comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder, which makes me realize I’ve been standing here for ten minutes, just staring at Zach.

He runs his finger over my chest in patterns. “I need to make money.” “Is there something you want to buy?” His soft touch trailing over my skin is sending tingles over my body. I lay my hand over his to keep it still.

“You’re welcome, buddy.” The light in his eyes dim, and he picks up his things to put in a pile, leaving my lap to carry them upstairs. Connor shakes his head, staring at me for a second before following Zach.

“Talk to me. We don’t hide things from each other.” Well, except for the fact that I’m in love with you.

He reaches over to run the back of his fingers down my cheek. “Are you getting tired?” Panic attacks suck the life out of me. “Yeah, you want to drive back?”

“Just wait and see; I’ll be dating before you know it.” My stomach cramps, and I try to force a smile. Connor puts his arms around my shoulders. “Guess it’ll be the two of us while he’s off dating. Maybe I can teach you how to longboard.” Brady frowns, popping Connor’s arm off my shoulders. “He’s not going longboarding… It’s dangerous.”

“You okay?” Connor’s brown eyes are full of understanding, and I wonder for a second if he knows I’m in love with Brady. I shrug, not sure if I can lie to him about it.

It hits me that I’ve just spotted the first gay person like me. If he really is gay.

He’s so sweet that I forget about him being just my best friend, all over again.

“If you must know…my type would be a top.” A top? Ohhhhh, Zach is a bottom.

“You might be right. Where’s Zach?” “He’s in the basement with Connor still. I think Connor brought him Mary Poppins Returns for a surprise.” Irritation skirts across my skin even though I’m being selfish. I wanted to surprise Zach with that movie; he’d been waiting for it to come out.

“I didn’t do it for you. I did it for Zach and because I wanted to spend time with him,” he says pointedly, clearly not happy with my choice of words.

I want to make my own impact, like you all have done in my life.”

Husband… My stomach feels a little nauseous, and I wonder if I’m coming down with something. Zach’s eyes dart to mine and then look down again. Mom rubs his arm from his other side, exchanging a look with my Dad that I don’t understand.

“He’s gone, baby. I promise you’re safe now. Come back to me… I promise I’ll be right here with you.” Baby. He’s never called me baby before.

“You can tell everyone you slept with two guys and had your first threesome.” Brady snorts as he crawls from the bed.

“You thought he was bossy and protective before; I have a feeling he’s going to take it to a whole new level now.” “Doesn’t bother me. I like him that way.”

“What’s your first passion?” My cheeks warm and I stammer before saying, “My soulmate.” She nods, taking me seriously. “Ah yes, love is always the first passion of a poet, and you have a poet’s heart. You fall in love with words and thoughts, written down to woo your heart and calm your mind, filling up your soul with passion.” “That’s beautiful,” I whisper, loving how she expressed it because it rings so true to me.

We spend the evening side by side, trying to ease some of the hurt from being separated.

He stays in the truck while I go up to the door to get her, and it’s not until I’m walking back that I realize he probably shouldn’t sit in the middle like he usually does when someone rides with us. Last minute, I tug her hand to my side and help her climb up to sit between us.

When Carrie leans over to kiss me, I hear Zach ask Connor to show him where to get a drink. Pulling away from the kiss, I watch Connor take Zach’s hand and tug him into the little arcade area. They stay in there through the next game of bowling, and when they come out, Zach is carrying a stuffed unicorn and talking animatedly to Connor about something.

“Zach’s everything that is good in this world, and maybe some people think he needs to grow up or should get used to the bad stuff, but he’s had enough bad stuff for a lifetime. He deals with it in his own way…and that’s by being sensitive to everyone. He feels things stronger than most, and with that, he needs the happy stuff, or he’ll drown in all the wrong kind of emotions.”