Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village

by Maureen Johnson

It has fonts to drown in, vaults to be sealed in, a bell tower to fall from, and an altar to be sacrificed on. The vicar will find your body if you venture here.

If anyone offers to show you their vat, say you need to get something from your car, start the engine, and run them over. The constable understands this sort of thing. Tell him about the vat.

A village is not its buildings or its land; sadly, a village is the sum of its people. Eliminate the people and the problem is gone. Except that the problem is largely the elimination of people.

Chimneys Orphan storage.

It is usual to make lodging arrangements in advance. You must not do this. No one can know you are coming—that gives them time to plan.